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Started reading
July 2, 2025
“I would have done anything for you. Cheated for you, lied for you. I would have died for you. I think maybe I kind of did.”
She pulls away from me and as she does, I slip my heart in her back pocket.
My whole stomach flip-flops just watching him. I love watching him. It’s my favourite pastime.
those hands shift ever so slightly and his pinky finger links with mine.
why is this so cute !!!!!
With him. Of course with him. All my best nights, all my worst ones, all are with him and I wonder if this is the point. This is what I’m swimming towards: not just in love with him but a whole wonderful, terrifying, beautiful, painful life with him.
“Oh my God.” I walk over to him, sit down on his bed. “Are you being serious?” He shrugs like it’s nothing. “He needed to feel good enough for you. Nothing ups a lad’s confidence like fighting for the girl he loves—” “Julian—” I reach for his hand. He lets me take it. “That is . . .” I trail. “Thank you.”
“I’m in love with you, have never stopped, will always till I die, love you. And this is it—” He shrugs like it’s simple. “So we’re not going to fuck it up by rushing it.
“It’ll work out, mate,” I call after him before giving her a look. She stares up at me, a bit defiant and beautiful. “How do you know?” I give her a look, squint a bit. “We’re in the stars, Parks.”
Life is weird like that, how it lets you love to a breaking point but the breaking point is just more ways to love that person.
“You left,” he says with his chin. “You said you loved me, you said you forgave me, we said that was it—that was it for me, I was all in, done. Game over. Done fucking around, done playing the games, all the bullshit with the girls and the parties and the drugs, I was done with it and then you left—” He stares over at me with sore eyes.
“I know, Parks.” He shakes his head. “I get it. I get why you left, but when I said that it was it for me, I meant it. And I thought you meant it too.” He shrugs—his eyes look wet and I wish I could reach out for him, but I don’t know what we are. “But you left.”
“That’s all he needs from you. You know you’re in, in that insane, undoable way. You’re always going to be. You just keep staying.”
“Even when—” I start but she cuts me off. “—Even when.” She gives me a look. “Even when anything, there’s nothing you could put at the end of that sentence that would warrant you leaving.” I frown at her. “This is what it is, Magnolia. Loving him no matter what.”
How many loves do you get in a lifetime? For me it’s just the one. I’ve had more but as I float away there’s only one I’m thinking of. He is what I’m thinking of. Not how he hurt me, not what he did to me, not what we’ve done to each other. Just him.
count the colours in his eyes. I feel sad for the splittest of seconds because I always kind of thought they’d be the last things I’d see here on earth,
but at least I got to love him, and maybe now, I appear to be leaving him once again—I hope that he forgives me for this one because it wasn’t my fault.
im sobbing
Remember all of it, I tell myself. Her hand in my hair. How she smelt before. How she smells now. Her lips on my skin. Her little trembling body wrapped around mine under the stairs at Varley. Wrapping myself around her body that trembled differently that December 3rd that I hate and love all at once, and whatever happens I know I’m lucky to have had her. To have gotten to love her how I have. I wish I was better at it. Wish I could do it again, that I had more time. I’d change everything and nothing.
my heart hurts so bad
I kiss the top of her head. Kiss it a thousand times and down her face till she turns to face me. Looks up at me with those eyes I love.
Kisses me like she thought she mightn’t get to do it again. “I’m sorry,” she tells me, not moving her mouth from mine. “No, I am.” I hold her face. “I’m not your friend anymore.” She looks up at me, bright eyed with a tired smile. “You’ll be my boyfriend again?” I press my mouth into her forehead. “I’ll be whatever the fuck you need, Parks.”
I’d live in his pocket if he let me.
He gives me a little shrug. “You have to move out.” “When? Why?” I pout over at him. He scratches the back of his neck. “Because I bought us a place.” I blink at him a few times. “What?” “I bought us a four-bedder over in the Lancer Square complex—” A thought crosses his mind. “—Which reminds me—I’ve got some papers I need you to sign.” I keep blinking. “Why?” He looks at me like I’m an idiot. “So both our names are on it.” “No—” I shake my head. “Why did you buy us a house?” “Oh—” He nods. “Because I’m going to ask you to marry me in a minute, and married people usually live together,” he
...more
!!!!!!
I nod once. “Yes.” “Yes?” He bites back a smile. “You’re going to be my wife? Have my babies? Spend all my money—” I give him a look. “I have more money than you.” He snorts. “I’m sure you do after the house I just bought you.” “Put that ring on my finger,” I tell him.
OMG YAY !!!
I stare down at my hand, smiling at it proudly before I glance back at him, watching me like he’s been lost at sea and he’s just spotted land. Like I’m the shore he’s washed up against. He’s every solider pulling into the train station in 1945. We’ve returned from war.
It was more like the undertow of the universe pulling me back to her. She thinks we’re in the stars but I just think she’s the current of everything and I’m always just drifting. . . Floating home to her.
“Ah.” She nods, a bit embarrassed. “A husband’s best friend, Pinterest—” She gives me a look. “You’re not a husband yet.” “Well, if you’d just take this fucking ring I’d be one step closer.” She rolls her eyes and then her face settles a bit. Sighs, looking at the Ballentine ring.
“You played for keeps.” He smiles proudly. Love it when he’s proud of me. I nod. “Told you I would.” He nods, sitting back in his chair. “It’s been a long time coming.”
but now I know we’re tied anyway. Billie knotted us together.
because I’m marrying Magnolia Parks.
