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For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it? —LUKE 14:28–29
When I turned to see her standing on the front porch, my stomach dropped. She was smiling that same smile the world has seen for years—a smile that’s pure innocence but protects like a shield—and her voice was full of sweetness and joy. But I knew that voice well. By that point in my life I’d been obeying it for twenty-three years.
I made sure that when I said yes, the film crew got the shot just how they wanted it. I couldn’t see my life from the outside.
“If you’re shaking part of it, where do you think people will be drawn to look?” We’d all chorus the answer together: “The part you’re shaking.” “That’s right. And you don’t want people looking at your bottom, do you? You don’t want people thinking bad thoughts about you, right?” “No, ma’am.” “Remember what happened when King David was dancing in the street after returning with the Ark of the Covenant?” “His wife despised him.” “That’s right. He was dancing and he was immodestly dressed, and his wife despised him for it. Let’s all remember that. When we are having fun, let’s make sure that we
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He loved spending time with us and told us often that we were his number one hobby.
That trip to the beach was my first time seeing so many people wearing bathing suits in public. Even though my parents had been careful to take us to the quietest corner of the quietest beach, I could still see people in the distance wearing what looked to me like practically nothing—a few couples, lots of families. I didn’t want to get any bad thoughts into my head, so I tried not to stare. But it was hard not to, and I worried for Pops and my brothers. Us girls had been told often how much harder it was for boys to keep their thoughts pure. I couldn’t imagine the battles they were fighting
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I told myself that whenever we were in situations like that where we stood out, it was an opportunity to be a positive example to others just by living life and showing others how true, conservative Christians should live—set apart and unpolluted by the world.
“You’ve got the world over here,” he would say during Bible time, holding his left arm far away from his body. “And then,” thrusting his right hand far out in the other direction, “Christianity is over here. There’s a line between them. Do you want to get as close to that line as you can? Do you want to walk so near to it that you might possibly be pulled into the world? Or do you want to steer as far away from it as you can get?”
Ahead of each conference, families could audition for the privilege of being invited onstage and perform a musical number in front of everyone. Some sang a cappella like this family, others brought their instruments and played along. The music was always impressive, but it was only a part of what made a Model Family special. They had to be modestly dressed, have a lot of kids, homeschool all of them, and play the right kind of music to the right kind of standard. But there was more to it than that. Model Families had to demonstrate the values that Mr. Gothard was preaching.
They told us that sin came in many forms, like lying, stealing, disobeying our parents, or being a tattletale (which my parents called “stirring up contention among the brethren”).
we had grown up being constantly reminded not to “stir up contention among the brethren.” It was a way for our parents to keep us siblings from talking badly about each other, or putting anyone down, but over time it became something else—something more sinister. By preventing us from discussing anything controversial or sensitive with each other, the instruction not to “stir up contention among the brethren” became a tool for silence, for control, for guilt.
when the days were long and the waiting was longer, it was good to be involved, especially when he won an initial term and then re-election. As kids, we had purpose. We weren’t stuck in a classroom, exposed to all the perils of public school. We were out in the real world, helping Mom and Pops serve God within it.
“Election to the United States Senate has never been something I have ever sought. It’s not me that wants to run,” he explained one day. “But I really feel like God wants me to do this. I’ve prayed about it and have done something that I only do for the most important decisions ever.” One of my siblings asked the question that we were all thinking. “What, Pops?” “I flipped a coin three times,” he said, his eyes growing wider, and a smile of amazement forming on his mouth. “And all three times it landed on heads. So I said, ‘Okay, God, you want me to run, so I will run.’ ”
“You know,” said Pops to all of us later at Bible time, “when I ran for senate, I didn’t see God’s ultimate purpose in it. But with the article and now this TV documentary, I’m beginning to see that God had something bigger and better in store for us. This is a window of opportunity that God has given us to show people what a Christian family can look like. This is our chance to share with the world that children really are a blessing from the Lord.”
At one point the woman wearing pants announced that the TV crew was going to follow us to the store for groceries. As we pushed our five shopping carts around Aldi, I heard a whisper that the crew was going to be paying for everything. So, for the first time ever, Mom wasn’t directing us to buy our usual stocks of canned beans, ramen noodles, and forty-eight-cent frozen beef and bean burritos. Instead, we were allowed to fill our carts with boxes of Lucky Charms and Honeycomb cereals, ice cream sandwiches, frozen pizzas, and all-beef chimichangas. Our carts were heavier than ever before, and
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Neither Mom nor Pops had hobbies outside of us, and I was thankful for that. They were devoted to each other and devoted to us.
my elder sister Jana was personally invited by Mr. Gothard to visit IBLP headquarters in Chicago and work there for a while. We were new to the inner workings of IBLP, but we knew enough already to understand why it was only Jana who was invited. She was the only elder Duggar girl who was blond, and everybody knew that Mr. Gothard liked blond girls. We’d joke about it, calling Jana one of “Gothard’s Girls.” It didn’t occur to me at all how strange, unsafe, and unwise it was.
The only comfort I could find was thinking about Mom. I knew she didn’t like her birth being filmed, but she went along and did it anyway. If she put up with it, so should I.
Chad’s email referenced a contract that I signed, and that the contract was fixed for five years. I was confused. Derick was suspicious. “Do you remember ever being part of any contract deals with the network?” “No,” I said. “Never. Pops always handled all communication with the network.” I was upset, confused, and immensely disturbed by the idea of there being some kind of actual contract out there that might obligate me to things beyond my control—a contract of which I had zero recollection of ever signing.
commit to making not just ourselves but our children, and any children yet to be born, available to any show that Mad Family Inc. created or participated in. We would be paid for that work as well, but at a rate that we would have to accept without negotiation. We would also have to sign an NDA which would remain active for the rest of our lives. Eighty thousand dollars was a lot of money, but these strings were tight
All my life I’d been taught that suffering was good. For anyone doing the Lord’s work, pain was to be accepted, even embraced. “Many are the afflictions of the righteous,” I was told often by my parents, quoting Psalms 34:19. “But the LORD delivereth him out of them all.” And I believed them. When people criticized us in the press, it was a sign the ministry was working. When filming was hard and demanding, it was a privilege to serve the Lord. Even when it felt like the whole world was peering at us through paparazzi lenses, there was a voice inside me saying, Tough it out, Jill, this is what
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This is it, Jill. This is where you and the baby die. This is the end. There’s no more need to tough it out.
In 2014 Mr. Gothard had stepped down after being accused of sexual harassment and molestation by thirty-four women.
“Kinda,” I said, keeping my voice low. “But it was rough. I don’t know whether I’m going to be able to have any more kids.” My friend reached out to put an arm around me, but before she could say anything, Pops’ voice filled the corridor. “We don’t know for sure now, do we?” I turned. He was looking right at me, smiling. He meant well, I guess, but in that moment I was mad. I wanted to ask him why he thought he had the right to comment about my uterus, but I bit the words back.
I’d always been taught that most people who were saying they’d stopped having children on the advice of their doctor were using it as a cop-out. IBLP’s view was that a lot of people with small families were basically lazy. Feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or like you couldn’t cope with having more kids was no excuse. In fact, the only acceptable approach to the matter was to leave the decision up to God and trust that he would provide the grace required to cope. Anyone who wasn’t coping just wasn’t relying on God fully enough.
What if trusting God doesn’t only mean trusting him with more kids than I feel I’m able to handle? What if it means being content with only two kids?
Growing up, having the world divided into thou shalls and thou shalt nots by Pops or IBLP ideology made life appear easier. I had grown up believing that if I just followed the rules, I would be okay.
From that point on, my relationship with Pops was nearly all hornets and garter snakes. It seemed to me that he was realizing that he was losing control of me. He’d text verses reminding me to “honor thy father and mother,” and every conversation we had just heaped more guilt on me, leaving fear gripping my throat even tighter. Often he would text me and apologize, but the messages were often followed up by more words condemning our actions or calling us out. His apologies felt insincere and invalid. Hardly a day would go by without some barbed message from him—either directly or from one of
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Ever since he got a smartphone Pops had been taking videos of anyone he’d met who complimented him on the show and how it had made a positive impact on their lives, then he’d share it with the rest of the family on the group text.
I checked the note on my phone for the things we wanted to discuss. That it’s not sinful for a woman who fears the Lord to wear pants, have a nose ring, or cut her hair. That Pops wasn’t just disorganized or forgetful when he had me sign the contract without seeing it. It was a deliberate deception. We want Pops to be fully transparent by finally sharing the 2014 contract with us and telling us about any other agreements that affect us. Pops can make things right by paying us the full amount that his accountant has reported on my tax returns. Total $130,249.98.
That’s why I’m crying, Daddy. I’m evolving and changing, just like that girl out there, but you can’t see it. You treat me like I’m a prodigal who’s turned her back on you. You treat me worse than you treat my pedophile brother.”
Israel’s birth had been the focus of two special episodes, earning Pops another six-figure sum. Yet when we’d asked him to cover our $10,000 deductible and out-of-pocket expenses from the hospital stay, he’d pushed back. Over the years Pops had bought more and more properties, and his fleet of private aircraft now contained multiple airplanes, including one with ten seats. There was no denying that he was a generous man who had helped a lot of people, but it was also true that he’d grown rich off the show and had fought hard to keep that under wraps.
IBLP had put a lot more energy into teaching me to fear the world beyond its doors than it had put into teaching me to trust God and discern for myself how to reach a good and wise decision on any given issue.
Deep down I knew that I didn’t want to bail on my faith. I was aware that people had used the Bible to manipulate me and press on the nerve of my guilt in order to make me conform to what they felt was acceptable, but I didn’t hold that against God.
