Last Night I Sang to the Monster

by Benjamin Alire Sáenz

“I’ve been hurting most of my life. I tried to pretend I wasn’t. I even believed my own lie. I’ve lived my entire life trying to avoid pain, Zach. That’s a terrible way to live. I don’t care any more if it hurts.” “Will it ever stop hurting?” “I don’t think so, Zach. If I’m working on a painting, and it doesn’t hurt, then the painting won’t matter. And if it doesn’t matter, then it isn’t real—then I’m not real.” “But why does it have to hurt?” “I don’t know.” And then he got this look and I knew he was thinking and so I waited for him to stop thinking because I knew he wanted to tell me something. “I have a new theory,” he said, “and the theory is this: if I develop a great capacity for feeling pain, then I am also developing a great capacity for feeling happiness.”