The Scattered Bones

by Nicole Scarano

But I cannot die. Not yet. This is only the first trial of my impossible journey. The Sivatag is merely the beginning of a daunting quest I refuse to fail. Worse fates await me if I escape this desert, but I must survive… for him. This is all for him. A thief who’s only sin was stealing my heart and offering his in return.

I’ll find the rest of his scattered bones. I don’t care how long it takes, how far I have to travel, or how much evil I must battle. I’ll recover every severed limb, and then? Then I’ll learn if The Stranger was telling the truth. If he’ll keep his promise, or if I’m simply a foolish girl so desperate for hope that I’ve placed my trust in a madman.

People smiled at me, but never like he did. I was a body destined to house a goddess. I was my parents’ pride and a sacred object of our religion. But Kaid’s smile reached past my skin and found the walled-off parts where I kept Sellah buried, and she blossomed to the surface.

“I’ve never seen anyone as beautiful as you. I mean this in the most respectful way, but you are divinely lovely. I’m almost ashamed to share the same air as you.”

Even as a child, my family isolated me. I didn’t remember the warmth of my mother’s embrace or the tenor of my siblings’ laughter. For as long as I could recall, it was only me and my destiny. I was Hreinasta’s from birth, and it took a thief with a voice like a demon to show me how alone and starved I was.

I’m no swordsman. I was not bound to Valka and his love of war. I wasn’t raised by Lovec and his demands for bloodshed, but I was baptized in the fire of despair and heartache. Reborn in torture and anguish. Come, oh ancient evil. Take my head from my body. I will return the favor.

Revenge is in the beast’s gaze. Revenge is in my entire body, woven through the cells that build my being. We are not the same. I have a reason to survive, to kill, and steal, and hurt, and rage. It consumes me. Owns me. Drives me. I need to live more than this creature needs to feed. It was born of evil. I was born of love. We are not the same.

Everything from his scarred lips to his hardened muscles to his gold-flecked eyes sang of danger, wove tales of darkness. Yet I could watch him for the rest of my days and never be afraid. He’d become my favorite part of my existence, breathing life into parts of my soul that had died. In such a brief acquaintance, this breathtaking man had carved a jagged hole in my heart and buried himself inside it.

“I won’t let you fall.” Desperation brimmed in his eyes as he begged me to trust him, and for the first time, I had the distinct impression that Kaid needed me far more than I needed him.

“I’m afraid,” I blurted before his black hair dipped from sight. “This…” I gestured between us, “...is not who I am. I’m meant for Hreinasta, and every time you offer me your friendship, I feel my soul being pulled in two. The goddess has already claimed me. I can’t give anything to you.”

“I don’t want to take anything from you.” Conviction fortified his voice. “I want to give everything to you. I’m not here to break your vows. A lonely girl simply helped a lonely boy, and I love the light in your eyes when we’re together. How can that be a sin? How can wanting to be your friend be wrong?”

“Why do you visit me?” I searched for any reason to accept his offer. To send him away and forget his scarred lips and sunshine smile. “There is cruelty in this world. Cruelty you’ve never seen, but I have. Hatred and death and destruction, but there’s peace too, and I find it with you. You’re the first real friend I’ve had.”

“You call it slumber, but in the end, it’s all the same. The women vanish for decades. One day they are, and then next they aren’t.”

“All gods demand sacrifice,” I said. “To serve the primordial requires all of oneself. If Hreinasta demands that of me, then it will be an honor to gift her my body.”

“I’ll help you live an entire lifetime in the coming seasons,” he whispered. “I’ll make them the best days of your life.”

“I would hug your pain away if I could,” I whispered. “I would like that.”

“I have scars from those who tried, but as the cycles passed, less and less could wound me, but your tears? They hurt worst of all. Out of everyone in my life, you have the power to hurt me the most.” “Why?” His words alarmed me. “Because I finally found a soul that sings to mine, a friend unlike anyone I’ve ever met, and I made you cry. I can’t take you away from here. I cannot touch you, and in a cycle, I’ll lose you.”

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t sit here and wait for you to leave me. Every time I look at you, I see the end of the greatest thing in my life. You’re my best friend, my confidant, my heart. I love you, Sellah.

“I’m filled with broken and jagged edges, but your softness and warmth fit perfectly between those sharp pieces. You make me whole. You’re what my life was missing, and the longer I stay at your side, the more I love you. Varas may be the god I’ve pledged to, but you’re who I want to swear my future to. You’re the altar I pray at, the deity I worship, and I would sacrifice my life for you, but you don’t belong to me. You never have, and you never will. You’ve belonged to Hreinasta since birth, and I can’t watch the person I treasure most in this world lose herself to a selfish goddess.”

I resolved to close off my heart. I was a shell, my soul with the thief who stole it. It was for the best. I was already empty for Hreinasta to invade.

“You don’t understand how badly I want to taste you,” he confessed, his face twisted as if he wasn’t speaking but ripping out his heart. “You don’t understand how desperately I crave your lips on mine, your body pressed against me. My control teeters dangerously on the precipice, and the only way I can stop it from plunging over that edge is by keeping my distance. I refuse to take something from you that I can’t return, and while I believe your vows were forced upon you, I won’t be the one to break them. You’re pure with me. Safe with me. Protected with me, but please, don’t push. I won’t be able to resist if you push.”

“Loving you isn’t a sin, nor will it make me unworthy. Loving you is the only choice I’ve ever made for myself, so when I say this, understand it’s with my whole heart. I choose you, and I cannot go into my future without knowing what loving you tastes like. You’ve filled my heart so completely, there’s no room for anything else.”

“You are my goddess.” His low admission rumbled through his ribs, vibrating against my skin. “You are what I pray to, what I worship, what I adore.” “Then show me,”

“I love you, Sellah,” he whispered into my hair. “You own me. All of me. Forever.”

The Stranger’s been my only companion, my only constant. If not for his voice, I would have descended into silent madness. This cloaked and hooded man I’ve barely seen tethers my voice to this earth. The more of his bones I find, the closer I get to discovering if the Stranger is capable of his promise, and it’s a true testament to my brokenness that I dread our time together ending even if he’s lying. I don’t want him to leave me.

“Are you sure?” he asked. “With every fiber of my being.” “I don’t want to hurt you.” “I don’t care. Hurt me. Love me. Undo me. Take everything because you own me.” “No.” He kissed my mouth with a fire that would never die. “You own me, and I’ll worship you until your pleasure is so great, you can’t contain it. I want you to scream for me, my goddess. No one can hear you, and I need to know what you sound like when you come undone wrapped around me.”

“Gods, Sellah. You feel like death and salvation and euphoria all at once.”

“I don’t love you,” he growled as he angled his hips to hit the spot that unleashed the stars. “This isn’t love. Love is too simple a word for what I feel. The world could end. Ages could pass. The gods could die, and I would still adore you. You’ve been braided so deeply into my heart that I no longer exist without you.”

“I will love you until my death,” Kaid promised. “And then I’ll love you from the grave until I’m dust. When your consciousness returns after she abandons your vessel decades from now, I’ll be here waiting for you.”

“I’ll want you even in death, Sellah. There’s no afterlife, but that doesn’t matter. I’ll love you until I’m dead in the dirt, then I’ll love you until my body is nothing but bones. And when my bones fade to dust coating the earth, I’ll still want you.”

What if he returns and cannot love the broken girl I’ve become? What if he never returns, and this madness was for nothing?

What if our marriage was only meant to burn for a moment? It was more than I ever expected, but it wasn’t enough. It will never be enough. I’m forgetting him instead of spending my life memorizing him, and I want to drown in that pain. If The Stranger cannot return Kaid to my arms, I worry it’ll hurt worse than his death. Hope is dangerous when left to fester.