Leslie F*cking Jones

by Leslie Jones

(It was the first time I’d ever gotten drunk. We ended up hanging out with the water polo team. Right before I passed out, I remember asking one of them, “How do y’all get the horses in the water?”

The Scientologists were forever promoting me at that job, but one of the ladies wanted to “hat” me, too, one day (meaning, move up the Scientology ladder). “No, bitch, I’m a Christian. Fuck that hat shit.”

That’s how you learn. Reynaldo Rey made me sit next to him one night, right by the door, so everyone could pass me and tell me how bad I was, or say “oh next time…” or “you were good, but…” Bombing will always happen—you will get better, but as long as you perform there will be times when you bomb. So use it.

Jamique came over to me and I thought he wanted to shake my hand, but actually he was sliding me money. When I looked down, it was $150. I ran over to Dean Edwards. “Dean,” I said, “I think dude just gave me money by mistake. I ain’t giving it back. Let’s go!” Dean looked at me like I was out of my mind. “They pay you for your work out here, Leslie,” Dean said. That was the first time I realized I could have a job as a comic.

Next morning, he let me sleep in for a little while, then he presented me with one last gift: he’d gotten me a AAA map book. These were the days before Google Maps, so that was great—he had planned my whole trip, stops and all. One thing I knew: I wasn’t going to drive through Texas. You can thank Thelma & Louise for that. Never drive through Texas.

“Wait a minute, you had ten dollars of weed on you?” the judge said. “Yes, your honor,” I said. “Am I ever gonna see you again?” he said. “Not unless you see me on TV.” “Give her a subway token so she can get home,” he said, annoyed at what a waste this all was. “That’s very kind of you, sir,” I said.

When it came time to say something at the funeral, I looked out at the few friends my brother had, and I knew I had to say words that would matter. “I miss my brother,” I said, “and I love my brother, but my brother made a lot of mistakes, and you muthafuckas need to grow up. He’s dead because of the fucked-up mistakes that he made. Look at the consequences of what you do, look at the choices you make. That’s all I can say.” I was just so angry at him for not fighting. He left me alone.