Fear: Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm

by Thich Nhat Hanh

The only way to ease our fear and be truly happy is to acknowledge our fear and look deeply at its source. Instead of trying to escape from our fear, we can invite it up to our awareness and look at it clearly and deeply.

We all experience fear, but if we can look deeply into our fear, we will be able to free ourselves from its grip and touch joy. Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously.

The first part of looking at our fear is just inviting it into our awareness without judgment. We just acknowledge gently that it is there. This brings a lot of relief already. Then, once our fear has calmed down, we can embrace it tenderly and look deeply into its roots, its sources.

Fearlessness is not only possible, it is the ultimate joy. When you touch nonfear, you are free. If I am ever in an airplane and the pilot announces that the plane is about to crash, I will practice mindful breathing. If you receive bad news, I hope you will do the same. But don’t wait for the critical moment to arrive before you start practicing to transform your fear and live mindfully. Nobody can give you fearlessness. Even if the Buddha were sitting right here next to you, he couldn’t give it to you. You have to practice and realize it yourself. If you make a habit of mindfulness practice, when difficulties arise, you will already know what to do.

We were born, and with that birth, our fear was born along with the desire to survive. This is original desire.

Everyone is afraid sometimes. We fear loneliness, being abandoned, growing old, dying, and being sick, among many other things. Sometimes, we may feel fear without knowing exactly why. If we practice looking deeply, we see that this fear is the result of that original fear from the time we were newborns, helpless and unable to do anything for ourselves. Even though we have grown into adults, that original fear and original desire are both still alive. Our desire to have a partner is, in part, a continuation of our desire for someone to take care of us.

We have to look deeply to identify the original, primal fear and desire that are behind so many of our behaviors. Every one of the fears and desires that you have today is a continuation of original fear and desire.

Some of us have depression and continue to suffer even if in the present situation everything looks all right. This is because we have a tendency to dwell in the past. We feel more comfortable making our home there, even if it holds a lot of suffering. That home is deep down in our subconscious, where the films of the past are always projected. Every night you go back and watch those films and suffer. And the future you constantly worry about is nothing other than a projection of fear and desire from the past.

Our memories can cause us real suffering, both emotionally and physically, even though they are not happening in the moment. When we recognize that we have a habit of replaying old events and reacting to new events as if they were the old ones, we can begin to notice when that habit energy comes up. We can then gently remind ourselves that we have another choice. We can look at the moment as it is, a fresh moment, and leave the past for a time when we can look at it compassionately. We can make the time and space, not in a busy moment but in a quiet time, to tell the suffering, wounded child inside us that she doesn’t have to suffer anymore. We can take her hand and invite her to come into the present moment and witness all the wonders of life that are available here and now: “Come with me, dear one. We have grown up. We no longer need to be afraid. We are no longer vulnerable. We are no longer fragile. We don’t have to be afraid anymore.”

Unconditional acceptance is the first step in opening the door to the miracle of forgiveness.

The fear of death is one of the greatest fears people have. When we look directly into the seeds of this fear instead of trying to cover it up or run away, we begin to transform it. One of the most powerful ways to do this is with the practice of the five remembrances. If you breathe slowly and mindfully, in and out, deep and slow, while you say these remembrances to yourself, it will help you look deeply into the nature and roots of your fear. The five remembrances are: 1. I am of the nature to grow old. I cannot escape growing old. 2. I am of the nature to have ill health. I cannot escape having ill health. 3. I am of the nature to die. I cannot escape death. 4. All that is dear to me, and everyone I love, are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them. 5. I inherit the results of my acts of body, speech, and mind. My actions are my continuation.

Invite your fear into consciousness, and smile through it; every time you smile through your fear, it will lose some of its strength. If you try to run away from your pain, there is no way out. Only by looking deeply into the nature of your fear can you find the way out.

There’s a tendency for people to think that they can eliminate what they don’t want: they can burn down a village, they can kill a person. But destroying someone doesn’t reduce that person to nothing. They killed Mahatma Gandhi. They shot Martin Luther King Jr. But these people are still among us today. They continue to exist in many forms. Their spirit goes on.

Watering the seeds of happiness is a very important practice for those who are sick or dying. All of us have seeds of happiness inside us, and in those difficult moments when we’re sick or dying, there should be a friend sitting with us to help us touch those seeds.

The Buddha said, “I have looked deeply into the state of mind of unhappy people and have seen hidden under their suffering a very sharp knife. Because they don’t see that sharp knife in themselves, it is difficult for them to deal with suffering.” Your fear is buried deep in your heart, a sharp knife covered over by many layers. That sharp knife is what makes you behave in such an unkind way. You do not see the knife or the arrow in your heart, but it causes you to make other people suffer. You can learn to recognize that knife inside. And once you’ve found it, if you can remove the knife in your own heart, then you can help find and remove the knife in the heart of another. The pain caused by that sharp knife has been there for a long time. As long as you continue to hold onto it, your pain magnifies and grows so large that you want to punish those you think are the cause of your suffering.

We do not like feeling afraid. Often, if we hold on to our fear, it turns into anger. We are angry that we are afraid. We are angry at whatever or whomever we perceive as causing our fear and keeping us afraid. Some people spend their whole lives trying only to take revenge on whatever or whomever they think caused their suffering. This kind of motivation can only bring suffering, not only to others but also to the one who feels it. Hatred, anger, and fear are like burning fires that can be put out by compassion. But where do we find compassion? It isn’t sold in the supermarket; if it were, we would only need to bring it home and we could dissolve all the hatred and violence in the world very easily. But compassion can only be produced in our own heart, by our own practice.

Responding to violence with violence can only bring more violence, more injustice, and more suffering—not only to the ones we seek to punish but also to ourselves. This wisdom is in every one of us. When we breathe deeply, we can touch this seed of wisdom in us. I know that if the energy of wisdom and compassion in all people could be nourished for even one week, it would reduce the level of fear, anger, and hatred in the world. I urge all of us to practice calming and concentrating our minds, watering the seeds of wisdom and compassion that are already there in us, and learning the art of mindful consumption. If we can do this, we will create a true peaceful revolution, the only kind of revolution that can help us out of this difficult situation.

“Terrorists” are everywhere. They’re not only the people who blow up buses and markets. When we are angry, when we behave in a very angry, violent way, then we are not so different from the terrorists we demonize, because we have that same knife of anger in our hearts. When we’re not mindful in our words, we say things that can hurt others and cause a lot of pain. That is a kind of intimidation, a kind of terrorism. Many people use hurtful words against children. That knife of hurt may twist in a child’s heart every day for the rest of his life. In our family, in our society, on our planet, every day we create more people with knives in their hearts. And because they hold knives in their hearts, their suffering and rage overwhelm their families, their society, the world.

Compassionate, deep listening means that the other person, or the other nation, has a chance to say what they have never had the chance or the courage to say, because no one ever listened deeply to them before. At first, their speech may be full of condemnation, bitterness, and blame. Do your best to continue sitting there calmly and listening. To listen in this way is to give them a chance to heal their suffering and misperceptions. If you interrupt, deny, or correct what they say, you will cut off the process of restoring communication, of reconciliation. Deep listening allows the other person to speak even if what he says contains misperceptions and injustice. When listening deeply to the other person, not only do you recognize his wrong perceptions but you also realize that you too have wrong perceptions about yourself and the other person. Later, when both of you are calm and the other person feels more trust and confidence in you, you can slowly and skillfully begin to correct their wrong perceptions. Using loving speech, you can point out how they have misunderstood you or the situation. Using loving speech, you can also help the other person understand your difficulties. You can help each other release those wrong perceptions, which are the cause of all anger, hatred, and violence.

The intention of deep listening and loving speech is to restore communication, because once communication is restored, everything is possible, including peace and reconciliation. I have seen many couples successfully practice deep listening and loving speech to heal difficult or broken relationships.

Since the so-called war on terror began, we have spent billions of dollars but have only created more violence, hate, and fear. We have not succeeded in removing fear, hatred, and resentment, either in their outward expressions such as terrorism or, most importantly, in the minds of the people. It’s time to contemplate and find a better way to bring peace to ourselves and the world. Only with the practice of deep listening and gentle communication can we help remove wrong perceptions that are at the foundation of fear, hatred, and violence. You cannot remove wrong perceptions with a gun.

The most precious gift you can give to the one you love is your true presence. So the first mantra is very simple: “Dear one, I am here for you.”

When you love someone, the best thing you can offer that person is your presence. How can you love if you are not there? Come back to yourself, look into his eyes, and say, “Darling, you know something? I’m here for you.” You’re offering him your presence. You’re not preoccupied with the past or the future; you are there for your beloved. You must say this with your body and with your mind at the same time, and then you will see the transformation.

The second mantra is, “Darling, I know you are there, and I am so happy.”

“Dear one, I know that you are there, and it makes me very happy.” This is real meditation. In this particular meditation, there is love, compassion, joy, and freedom—the four elements of true love as described by the Buddha.

The third mantra is what you practice when your beloved is suffering: “Darling, I know you’re suffering. That’s why I am here for you.”

If we are suffering and the person we love ignores us, we suffer more. So what you can do—right away—is to manifest your true presence to your beloved and say the mantra with all your mindfulness: “Dear one, I know that you are suffering. That is why I am here for you.” And already your loved one will feel better. Your presence is a miracle, your understanding of his or her pain is a miracle, and you are able to offer this aspect of your love immediately. Really try to be there, for yourself, for life, for the people you love. Recognize the presence of those who live in the same place as you, and try to be there when one of them is suffering, because your presence is so precious for this person.

The fourth mantra is a little bit more difficult: “Dear one, I am suffering; please help.” This mantra is for when you are suffering and you believe that your beloved has caused your suffering. If someone else had done the same wrong to you, you would have suffered less. But this is the person you love the most, so you suffer deeply, and the last thing you feel like doing is to ask that person for help. You prefer to go to your room, lock the door, and cry there all alone. So now it is your pride that is the obstacle to reconciliation and healing. According to the teaching of the Buddha, in true love there is no place for pride.

The four mantras work to remove fear, doubt, and isolation. They are not complicated or difficult to understand. And you don’t have to say them in Sanskrit or Chinese—English will do just fine. You should learn them by heart, and you must have the courage, the wisdom, and the joy to practice them. The practice of mindfulness, of meditation, consists of coming back to ourselves to restore peace and harmony. The energy that enables us to do this is mindfulness, an energy that also carries with it concentration, understanding, and love. If we come back to ourselves to restore peace and harmony, then it will be much easier to help the other person and restore communication in our relationships.

When I met Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. in 1966, during the Vietnam War, one of the things we discussed was the importance of building community—or, as we call it in Buddhism, sangha. Dr. King knew that community building was vital. He was aware that, without a community, little could be accomplished. A solid sense of brotherhood and sisterhood gives us strength when we feel fear or despair and helps sustain our power of love and compassion. Brotherhood and sisterhood can heal and transform our lives. Dr. King spent much of his time building a community that he called “the beloved community.” Our beloved community, our sangha, is a group of people who together practice generating mindfulness, concentration, and insight. Everyone feels embraced and supported by the collective energy generated by the practice. Often, our feelings of loneliness and isolation feed our fears and encourage them to grow. In the sangha, there are people who are solid enough in the practice that they can sit with us and share their energy of mindfulness.

Many of us have lost our capacity for listening and using loving speech in our families. It may be that no one is capable of listening to anyone else. So we feel very lonely even within our own families. We go to a therapist, hoping that she will be able to listen to us. But many therapists also have deep suffering within. Sometimes they cannot listen as deeply as they would like. So if we really love someone, we need to train ourselves to be deep listeners. We also need to train ourselves to use loving speech. We have lost our capacity to say things calmly. We get irritated too easily. Every time we open our mouths, our speech is sour or bitter. We have lost our capacity for speaking with kindness. Without this ability, we cannot succeed in restoring harmony, love, and happiness.

You have to practice breathing mindfully in and out so that compassion always stays with you. You listen without giving advice or passing judgment. You can say to yourself about the other person, “I am listening to him just because I want to relieve his suffering.” This is called compassionate listening. You have to listen in such a way that compassion remains with you the whole time you are listening. That is the art. If halfway through listening, irritation or anger comes up, then you cannot listen deeply anymore. You have to practice in such a way that every time the energy of irritation and anger comes up, you can breathe in and out mindfully and continue to hold compassion within you.

All of us need to change for the better. It is our responsibility to take care of each other. We are the gardeners, the ones who help the flowers grow. If we understand, the flowers will grow beautifully. Goodwill is not enough; we need to learn the art of making others happy. Art is the essence of life, and the substance of art is mindfulness.