This Book Is Full of Spiders: Seriously, Dude, Don’t Touch It (John Dies at the End, #2)

by David Wong

For Carley, who was a better person than I am even though she was a dog

You know how sometimes when you’re drifting off to sleep you feel that jolt, like you were falling and caught yourself at the last second? It’s nothing to be concerned about, it’s usually just the parasite adjusting its grip.

Boom. Therapy accomplished.

But in my mind, between the titanium spine and a robot hand, she’d be like 10 percent of the way to a cyborg, an idea that I found more than mildly arousing.

(a bully kept fucking with me until I snapped and gouged out his eyes—you know how kids are).

The screen changed. An image appeared. Penis.

More shots from inside. John, possessing a genetic defect that makes him walk toward danger, strode down

If you fail English again I think they can kick you out of the country. I think it’s in the Patriot Act.”

“Hey, aren’t you going to be late for your court-mandated therapist appointment?” “Fuck you.” I glanced at my watch. He was right.

made the engine growl and told the headlights to fuck the night.

pulling frozen breaths around the cigarette butts piled up in his lungs.

Molly barked. She bounded toward us, past us, out the door, into the yard, into the distance, barking the whole way. She was not going to get help.

“Put some pants on.” “Fuck you. This is my house. I make the rules. You take your clothes off. John, get the Twister mat.”

“Are you high?” “A little.”

Halfface Firefighter

Halfface Firefighter Scissorarms

Halfface Bloodyhead

Halfface Firefighter Bloodyhead Spinbones

“I have zero dollars. You might have to blow him.”

behind all of your pretty songs and stained glass, this is what you really are. Shambling meat.

panic has a way of multiplying when you have two people’s fear flowing back and forth, creating a feedback loop.

This is a part of the country that created a nationwide ammunition shortage the day after they saw a non-white president won an election. They’ve been waiting for this shit.

prefaced by the anchor warning that the following scenes were very disturbing, and that you should leave the room if you were a giant pussy.

defend to the death their right to stay in childhood until age thirty-five.

desperate getaways were what other people did in Falconer’s world, while Falconer chased them and told them they had the right to remain silent.

Somehow, I suddenly just knew that Molly was eating my beans.

denim-wrapped ass

“We simplify tens of millions of individuals down into simplistic stereotypes, so that they hold the space of only one individual in our limited available memory slots.

I would ask you what you are doing but I fear you would actually tell me.”

“We could have relocked that door but somebody blew a hole in it.” “I’m sorry, princess.”

Amy’s abilities came and went, she had never taken the Sauce but I think she caught some effects from me due to, uh, transfer of bodily fluids.

speculated that the gun could react to your thoughts somehow. We fired it at the third bottle and it immediately turned into a double-ended dildo. A black one. John said this confirmed this theory.

When things had stopped, she ran, from wherever she was, and she ran as fast as her paws could take her, knowing where she needed to be and what she needed to do. And what she needed to do was to steal my goddamned hero moment.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the salon to have my pubic hair straightened and dyed white so that my dick looks like Santa Claus.” He closed the door, farting loudly all the way to his car.

I had no idea if I could actually sit down with a blank Word document and write a whole novel from scratch on a deadline. I’d never done it, or anything like it, unless you count the 1,200-page manifesto that became all but moot once Comcast agreed to just refund part of my bill.