Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

by Brené Brown

Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being all in.

we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen. This is vulnerability. This is daring greatly.

“No data and no homework. No assignments or gold stars in here. Less thinking. More feeling.”

Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.

We humans have a tendency to define things by what they are not. This is especially true of our emotional experiences.

Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.

Love and belonging are irreducible needs

Those who feel lovable, who love, and who experience belonging simply believe they are worthy of love

they have developed practices that enable them to hold on to the belief that they are worthy of love, belonging, and even joy.

Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.

What we know matters, but who we are matters more.

Being rather than knowing requires showing up and letting ourselves be seen. It requires us to dare greatly, to be vulnerable.

For example, when I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary.

I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose. Sometimes the simple act of humanizing

What are the messages and expectations that define our culture and how does culture influence our behaviors? How are our struggles and behaviors related to protecting ourselves?

How are our behaviors, thoughts, and emotions related to vulnerability and the need for a strong sense of worthiness?

Soul of Money, she refers to scarcity as “the great lie.” She writes:

Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we’re already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something.

Scarcity thrives in a culture where everyone is hyperaware of lack. Everything from safety and love to money and resources feels restricted or lacking. We spend inordinate amounts of time calculating how much we have, want, and don’t have, and how much everyone else has, needs, and wants.

we’ve survived and are surviving events that have torn at our sense of safety with such force that we’ve experienced them as trauma even if we weren’t directly involved.

Worrying about scarcity is our culture’s version of post-traumatic stress.

culture is always applying pressure, and unless we’re willing to push back and fight for what we believe in, the default becomes a state of scarcity. We’re called to “dare greatly” every time we make choices that challenge the social climate of scarcity.

The opposite of scarcity is enough,

worthiness: facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough.

To foreclose on our emotional life out of a fear that the costs will be too high is to walk away from the very thing that gives purpose and meaning to living.

To let ourselves sink into the joyful moments of our lives even though we know that they are fleeting, even though the world tells us not to be too

happy lest we invite disaster—that’s an intense form of vulnerability.

when we don’t acknowledge how and where we’re tender, we’re more at risk of being hurt.

I want to experience your vulnerability but I don’t want to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is courage in you and inadequacy in me. I’m drawn to your vulnerability but repelled by mine.

Give me the courage to show up and let myself be seen.

“What’s worth doing even if I fail?”

It’s courage beyond measure. It’s daring greatly. And often the result of daring greatly isn’t a victory march as much as it is a quiet sense of freedom mixed with a little battle fatigue.

We can’t opt out of the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure that’s woven through our daily experiences. Life is vulnerable.

When we pretend that we can avoid vulnerability we engage in behaviors that are often inconsistent with who we want to be. Experiencing vulnerability isn’t a choice—the only choice we have is how we’re going to respond when we are confronted with uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.

Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them. Being vulnerable and open is mutual and an integral part of the trust-building process.

The good news is that the answers to these questions emerged from the data. The bad news is that it’s a chicken-or-the-egg issue: We need to feel trust to be vulnerable and we need to be vulnerable in order to trust.

Trust is built one marble at a time.

The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples

One such moment is not that important, but if you’re always choosing to turn away,

then trust erodes in a relationship—very gradually, very slowly.

I’m talking about the betrayal of disengagement.

Trust is a product of vulnerability that grows over time and requires work, attention, and full engagement. Trust isn’t a grand gesture—it’s a growing marble collection.

Across the course of my research, participants were very clear about their need for support, encouragement, and sometimes professional help as they reengaged with vulnerability and their emotional lives.

“Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment

to giving help.” We all need help. I know I couldn’t have done it without reinforcements that included my husband Steve, a great therapist, a stack of books a mile high, and friends and family members who were on a similar journey. Vulnerability begets vulnerability; courage is contagious.

After running from vulnerability, I found that learning how to lean into the discomfort of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure was a painful process.

performed until there was no energy left to feel.

Slowly I learned that this shield was too heavy to lug around, and that the only thing it really did was keep me from knowing myself and letting myself be known. The shield required that I stay small and quiet behind it so as not to draw attention to my imperfections and vulnerabilities. It was exhausting.

Nothing has transformed my life more than realizing that it’s a waste of time to evaluate my worthiness by weighing the reaction of the people in the stands. The people who love me and will be there regardless of the outcome are within arm’s reach.

‘Only when we’re brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.’”