Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

by Brené Brown

When I see the people I care about struggling, and I can’t fix it or make it better.

Connection is why we’re here.

Cultivating Authenticity: Letting Go of What People Think Cultivating Self-Compassion: Letting Go of Perfectionism Cultivating a Resilient Spirit: Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness Cultivating Gratitude and Joy: Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith: Letting Go of the Need for Certainty Cultivating Creativity: Letting Go of Comparison Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth

Cultivating Calm and Stillness: Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle Cultivating Meaningful Work: Letting Go of Self-Doubt and “Supposed To” Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance: Letting Go of Being Cool and “Always in Control”

Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.

Love and belonging are irreducible needs of all men, women, and children. We’re hardwired for connection—it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The absence of love, belonging, and connection always leads to suffering.

The main concern of Wholehearted men and women is living a life defined by courage, compassion, and connection.

The Wholehearted identify vulnerability as the catalyst for courage, compassion, and connection. In fact, the willingness to be vulnerable emerged as the single clearest value shared by all of the women and men whom I would describe as Wholehearted. They attribute everything—from their professional success to their marriages to their proudest parenting moments—to their ability to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.

the need for clarity of purpose.

If we want to reignite innovation and passion, we have to rehumanize work.

When failure is not an option we can forget about learning, creati...

what makes children happy doesn’t always prepare them to be courageous, engaged adults.

I constantly find myself needing to change course. And even though I’m trying to follow a map that I’ve drawn, there are many times when frustration and self-doubt take over, and I wad up that map and shove it into the junk drawer in my kitchen.

What we know matters, but who we are matters more.

The first step of that journey is understanding where we are, what we’re up against, and where we need to go.

we’re sick of feeling afraid.

Labeling the problem in a way that makes it about who people are rather than the choices they’re making lets all of us off the hook: Too bad. That’s who I am.

understanding the root cause so we can address the problems.

when I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.

vulnerability and worthiness: facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough.

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.

Experiencing vulnerability isn’t a choice—the only choice we have is how we’re going to respond when we are confronted with uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.

Being vulnerable and open is mutual and an integral part of the trust-building process.

trust is built in very small moments,

One such moment is not that important, but if you’re always choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship—very gradually, very slowly.

Trust is a product of vulnerability that grows over time and requires work, attention, and full engagement. Trust isn’t a grand gesture—it’s a growing marble collection.

the vulnerability journey is not the kind of journey we can make alone. We need support. We need folks who will let us try on new ways of being without judging us.

learning how to lean into the discomfort of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure was a painful process.

I controlled things. I managed situations and micromanaged the people around me.

Sometimes our first and greatest dare is asking for support.

If you want a culture of creativity and innovation, where sensible risks are embraced on both a market and individual level, start by developing the ability of managers to cultivate an openness to vulnerability in their teams.

I realized that I wasn’t alone—that my experience was human.

I gave myself permission to feel these things for a couple of hours or days, then I reached out, talked through my feelings with people I trust and love, and I moved on. I

To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of daring greatly.

I am enough (worthiness versus shame).

I’ve had enough (boundaries versus one-upping and comparison). Showing up, taking risks, and letting myself be seen is enough (engagement versus disengagement).

Joy comes to us in moments—ordinary moments. We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary.

Be grateful for what you have.

Most perfectionists grew up being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule following, people pleasing, appearance, sports).

The fear of failing, making mistakes, not meeting people’s expectations, and being criticized keeps us outside of the arena where healthy competition and striving unfolds.

For others, perfectionism is compulsive, chronic, and debilitating—it looks and feels like an addiction.

Connection: Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment.

true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.

Living a connected life ultimately is about setting boundaries, spending less time and energy hustling and winning over people who don’t matter, and seeing the value of working on cultivating connection with family and close friends.

we have to consider how our numbing behaviors affect the people around us—even strangers.

I’m not suggesting that we engage in a deep, meaningful relationship with the man who works at the cleaners or the woman who works at the drive-through, but I am suggesting that we stop dehumanizing people and start looking them in the eye when we speak to them.

Sharing yourself to teach or move a process forward

can be healthy and effective, but disclosing information as a way to work through your personal stuff is inappropriate and unethical.

Why am I sharing this? What outcome am I hoping for? What emotions am I experiencing? Do my intentions align with my values? Is there an outcome, response, or lack of a response that will hurt my feelings? Is this sharing in the service of connection? Am I genuinely asking the people in my life for what I need?