Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

by Brené Brown

There is no vision without vulnerability.”

emphasized the importance of allowing people to make mistakes: “Our golden rule? If you screw up, you clean it up.”

Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting.

Our need for certainty in an endeavor as uncertain as raising children makes explicit “how-to-parent” strategies both seductive and dangerous. I say “dangerous” because certainty often breeds absolutes, intolerance, and judgment.

Me

But if doubt lurks beneath my choices, that self-righteous critic will spring to life in not-so-subtle parenting moments that happen because my underlying fear of not being the perfect parent is driving my need to confirm that, at the very least, I’m better than you.

But we do have powerful parenting opportunities in other areas: how we help our children understand, leverage, and appreciate their hardwiring, and how we teach them resilience in the face of relentless “never enough” cultural messages.

If Wholeheartedness is the goal, then above all else we should strive to raise children who: Engage with the world from a place of worthiness Embrace their vulnerabilities and imperfections Feel a deep sense of love and compassion for themselves and others Value hard work, perseverance, and respect Carry a sense of authenticity and belonging with them, rather than searching for it in external places Have the courage to be imperfect, vulnerable, and creative Don’t fear feeling ashamed or unlovable if they are different or if they are struggling Move through our rapidly changing world with courage and a resilient spirit

Those who feel lovable, who love, and who experience belonging simply believe they are worthy of love and belonging.

worthiness is that it doesn’t have prerequisites.

staying very mindful about the prerequisites that we’re knowingly or unknowingly handing down to them. Are we sending them overt or covert messages about what makes them more and less lovable? Or are we focusing on behaviors that need to change and making it clear that their essential worthiness is not on the table?

perfectionism is actually contagious.

Perfectionism is teaching them to value what other people think over what they think or how they feel. It’s teaching them to perform, please, and prove.

“Let your face speak what’s in your heart. When they walk in the room my face says I’m glad to see them. It’s just as small as that, you see?”

So often we think that we earn parenting points by being critical, put out, and exasperated. Those first looks can be prerequisites or worthiness-builders. I don’t want to criticize when my kids walk in the room, I want to light up!

we need to separate our children from their behaviors.

Shame corrodes the part of us that believes we can do and be better.

Shame is so painful for children because it is inextricably linked to the fear of being unlovable. For young children who are still dependent on their parents for survival—for food, shelter, and safety—feeling unlovable is a threat to survival. It’s trauma.