The Shadow and the Draw (Shadow Drawn #1)

by R.D. Baker

“Sorry, just needed to get some shit done before I could party,” I reply, “how’s the party going?”

I see what the author is trying to do here, but this is punctuated incorrectly. When you have a complete sentence in your dialogue, you still need to use a period somewhere. Then you can restart your dialogue with a new quotation mark. You can use two commas here when you have a continued sentence with a interruption for a verb of speaking. Should look like this instead: “Sorry, just needed to get some shit done before I could party,” I replied. “How’s the party going?” (These are two complete sentences with a change in topic, thus should be separated by a period)

Sorry, just had to use the bathroom.” She says, smiling up at Finn.

This is punctuated incorrectly. When you have a verb of saying, you need to have a comma not a period. Only use a period when you use the verb “spoke.” Should look like this: “Sorry, just had to use the bathroom,” she says, smiling up at Finn

“Really wish you wouldn’t call me Runt, Vale.” I say jovially as I reach him.

Same typo with your punctuation here. Should be a comma and not a period. Looks like this is incorrect throughout the whole novel.

“I got someone for you to meet.” Vale says to me,

Incorrect punctuation. Should be a comma, not a period.

She gives me a smile, and extends a hand.

Don’t need a comma in this sentence. When you have the same subject doing both verbs, don’t have a comma. With the comma, this makes the second half of your sentence miss a subject grammatically. Without, the subject is doing both verbs. Should look like this: She gives me a smile and extends a hand.

“Maybe you could go and get Sass a drink,” Vale offers, snorting as he tries to suppress a laugh.

This is punctuated correctly. Any verb of saying should have a comma inside the dialogue like this.

“So you’re the Draw, huh?” She asks me.

This is a verb of saying. Should look like this instead (with the lowercase pronoun): “So you’re the Draw, huh?” she asks me.

“Oh, it feels so nice,” she says with a sigh.

So this is punctuated correctly, so it looks like the dialogue punctuation is not consistent. Did this have an editor?

I raise my face to hers, and give her a grin.

Same comma issue here. No need for it because it’s the same subject doing both actions

“That just makes it all so much more fun.” She murmurs,

This is a verb of speaking. Should be a comma and a lowercase following pronoun

“Just having some fun.” I reply,

Verb of speaking. Should be a comma instead

“But -“ she

Backwards quotation mark here. Also should be an em dash without a space for American English, not a space and hyphen. I know the author is from Australia, but it looks like this is written to be American English in style.

Lordain sighs, and narrows his eyes a little.

No comma needed here

I don’t want anymore lectures.

This is the incorrect any more. When using a quantity, you need to have it with a space. “Anymore” is an adverb that is about time. So if you wanted to use it without the space, the sentence should have been “I don’t want lectures anymore.” In the current sense, he doesn’t want to hear one more lecture, so it needs to be with a space

I pass Vale, and shoot a fireball at his feet with my hands.

No comma needed here. Makes this grammatically incorrect.

I keep walking,

This needs to be a period/full stop because it ends a sentence.

I jam my hands in my pockets, because I know if I touch her I’ll be fucking her against the nearest tree before I know it.

Punctuation issues. When you have an “if statement” beginning a clause, it must have a comma. Also, because typically doesn’t take a comma unless the meaning of the sentence could be misconstrued without it. There are plenty on sources online that explain this. It’s probably okay here since you have that if statement here. Should look like this: I jam my hands in my pockets, because I know if I touch her, I’ll be fucking her against the nearest tree before I know it.

I just want to feel like I’m a regular guy, who can do those things, you know?”

Comma before who is incorrect here

“I have to watch you, with Finn, all the time.

No commas around “with Finn” are needed here. Adding commas here makes this information secondary and able to be removed. But removing this info makes the sentence different. (It is painful to watch you all the time) Is it painful to just watch Cora, or is it painful to watch Cora being with Finn?

I can hear is rain against my window, and not the thumping in my head.

No comma needed here

realising that soon her little girl will be a married woman, and won’t be at home anymore.

Comma not needed

and smoke curls from some the chimneys

Missing word. “Some of the chimneys” is correct here

“Thankyou

Thank you as a phrase is two words. It is one word or hyphenated when it is a noun. Like as in "I offered him a thankyou." BUT "Thank you, Mom" is correct. ALSO: whenever you address someone, you need to have a comme before their name or name replacement, as I have demonstrated above. This is not happening anywhere

“I mean, why didn’t you just come and bust us out, immediately?”Elise sighs heavily,

No comma before immediately needed. Space needed after quotation mark.

Three men, emerge from the hall,

remove comma after three men