Kasher in the Rye: The True Tale of a White Boy from Oakland Who Became a Drug Addict, Criminal, Mental Patient, and Then Turned 16

by Moshe Kasher

“I really think I can fuck that Leah chick,” Corey said one day, so excited that we were all made uncomfortable by the erection he undoubtedly had in his pants. “Congrats,” I said. “Your mother must be very proud.” DJ, having the same mother as Corey, and being unable to understand the nuances of my joke, punched me in the chest yelling, “Cave Chest! Don’t talk about my mama!” Cave Chest was a charming game that DJ liked to play. The rules were simple—DJ yelled “Cave Chest!” and punched you in the chest. Presumably to cave your chest in. No one seemed to enjoy this game but DJ. “I’m a virgin,” Corey declared flatly with a humility that was rare for a teenage boy virgin. Corey began a rousing speech that would have made any army grab their rifles and follow him into battle. It went something like this: “I really think I could finally make this happen. Now I don’t know if I can do it alone, but with your help, I hope to take advantage of this crazy girl and to, once and for all, be able to declare myself a non-virgin. It won’t be easy. But I can’t think of a group of guys I’d rather engage in a sad attempt to fuck a mentally ill girl with!” As he said this, a Union drummer boy played the fife and drum. We all shed a tear at his courageous speech. We saluted. Of course we would help.