Next to You

by Hannah Bonam-Young

He puts the car into park and turns to me with a loaded expression. I’ve gotten a handful of these looks over the past few weeks, and each time, I can feel my heart harden in resistance. His eyes turn sincere and focused, his smile light and wistful. Then he says something that makes me look for an emergency exit. “I am private, Lane. You’re the only one who knows half that stuff.”

“Manamea…” he says too softly. Too sweetly. “You have to know that. We’ve been together every single day for over a month, and I’m not the least bit sick of you.” He forces a laugh. “Of course you’re my best friend.”

“Matty?” Willow pats his shoulder as he leans on the countertop, holding her to his hip. “Yeah, baby?” “Why you yove Auntie Yane’s toys?” I choke on air. Matt turns to me and then to Chloe, who is suddenly occupied with the wood stain on the table and the feel of it under her hand. Her lips twitching to laugh gives us away, though. “Is that what you’ve heard?” he asks Willow, grinning ear to ear. “Yup! You pyay with her toys and you yove them.” “Oh my god,” I mutter under my breath. Matt fights a laugh so hard I think his jaw might snap. “Well, she’s got great toys. Probably the best toys I’ve ever played with.” “Mattheus!” Chloe chastises in a higher pitch than I thought possible for humans. “Let the man talk!” I add, my laugh breaking through.

“You’re a pain in my ass is what you are.” He pretends to be deep in thought, recounting something with his pointer finger against his chin. “No, I don’t think we’ve done that yet.” My jaw hits the floor. “Mattheus! What has gotten into you today?” He smiles like a schoolboy. “I don’t know. I think I’m just really happy.”

“Can I show you something?” he asks softly. I nod, releasing him slightly so he can look up at me. “It’s not a knife collection, right?” “What?” Matt laughs. “Or teeth? A collection of taxidermy?” “What sort of vibe do I give off?” He laughs in disbelief. “No one can be this perfect,” I say, and he rolls his eyes in such a way where they might strain.

He looks like he wants to say something, but instead, he moves quickly, wrapping his arms around me and squeezing me tight. I hear him sigh over the top of my head. His shoulders tense then relax, as if he was fighting something and has resigned himself to lose. “I love you, Lane. I want you to know that, even if it changes nothing. It should change nothing. But it matters to me that you know. I know you don’t want me to wait—but I can’t imagine a world in which this feeling just goes away.”

“He tends to…” I choose my next words carefully. “He tends to prioritise the other people in his life above himself.” “He’ll probably always be that way, like his mother. She’d give you the coat off her back before you even asked.” He crosses his arms. “Matt tell you about how we met?” “Yeah.” I nod, smiling. “Ever since that day, she’s been reminding me to slow down, give more, be kinder, all the while building me up, and I need that, of course—we all do. But what she and Matt both need is someone who’s willing to do the same. Natural caregivers like that, they burn out. They give and give until they’re emptied and have nothing left for themselves.” “How do you… how do you do that?” “She doesn’t make it easy, hence the reason we have nine children.” He laughs. “But it’s the little things. I tell her everyday how grateful I am for her. I do my fair share, I make her rest, I remind her that her worth isn’t what she’s giving away—but who she is.”

“Thank you. For bringing me here.” I smile and try not to let the butterflies in my stomach escape through my mouth when he studies me and gives me the most sincere smile I’ve ever seen. “You fit here nicely.” He tilts his head, brings an invisible camera to his face, and “takes” my photo, then looks at his feet, as if he’s suddenly shy.

“Yes, spend time with your old man!” she calls back towards him, emphasising the last two words with a cheeky grin. Simon scampers over, flinging a cloth over his shoulder, and pulls his wife to him with a devious grin. “You never minded me being older before, manamea. You going to trade me in for a younger man?” She giggles and quips back in response, but my attention turns to Matt, who’s staring up at me—wondering the same thing I am. Do I mind that my pet name is what his father calls his mother? The answer is that my heart skipped a beat, but my brain doesn’t know. As usual, my body is ten steps ahead of my logic.

And I realise that I haven’t felt anxious for a moment since we arrived. That loud hum in the back of my mind that plays constantly like elevator music has ceased. Because Matt is my own personal comfort. A walking hot-water bottle. A favourite blanket. A cosy hoodie. A cup of tea delivered with a kiss on the forehead. Warmth builds and builds inside my chest, and I realise suddenly, clearly, and certainly—I’ve never felt like this about anyone else. I think I’m in love with Matt.

“No, Lane. Not the shorts. Laughing with my family, taking walks arm in arm with my mother towards her place of solitude, singing along to my father’s old folk music, the looks—” He stops himself. “The looks across the campfire that almost made me walk straight through it.” I hear him rub his face and breathe through his palms. “Sorry. I’ll stop. I’m sorry.” “No, I’m sorry, Matt. I didn’t think it would be this hard.” “I didn’t either,” he says, almost whimpering. “If you want, I can leave tomorrow. You can drive me to the closest car rental place, and I can go to the wedding. You can stay and visit—” “I do not want that. Trust me, I thought about it. I’ve thought about every possible option here. And the only thing that’s worse than being around you and not being with you—is the idea of not being near you.”

“Done,” he says, as if he’s signing his name on a contract. “But…” Shit. “I can give you all the time you need, so long as we’re together, in whatever way. Just… stay close.” And I hear him. What he said and what he means. Don’t close up on me. Don’t leave me behind while you go fight those dragons. Let me fight next to you. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I was doing some thinking. The night after you left my place.” He sighs. “I stayed up all night thinking, if I’m being honest…” “Dangerous,” I tease, nuzzling into him. “Maybe, as scary as it is, time running out is a gift.” He drags a lazy hand down my back. “If we were infinite beings, I wouldn’t worry about holding you like this every second I could. I’d know I’d get to do it again. The love I have for you is urgent. It’s a needy thing. Maybe it wouldn’t be if we had eternity. I’d get lazy with it.” I groan, furious with myself. “Fuck you,” I whisper, tears breaking free. “Let me have better words once.” I joke through ragged breaths.

“So, Matt…” I hear my mother say behind me as Matt grabs our luggage from the trunk. “Where are you from?” “Dear lord in heaven,” I mutter under my breath. “Mom,” I yell. “My mother is Samoan.” He nods politely, wearing an unforced smile, then catches up to my side. “Friendly reminder, you once asked me why I was so tan,” he whispers. “I was drunk and didn’t remember you being so tan the first time we met.” Matt snickers. “What?” I ask snidely. “Nothing, just—you also asked my name and introduced yourself to me.” “Why’s that funny?” “Because I only went to that party to see you.” I stop. Liz’s meltdown can wait. “Shut up.” “We met at Willow’s first birthday party six months earlier. You were taking photos and waltzing around the room with such ease that I couldn’t believe it when Chloe said you were taking off early and didn’t love socialising all that much. When she later told me you’d agreed to go to their New Year’s party, I suddenly became available. I got there early to help set up, just in case. I waited for hours to work up the courage to talk to you. When I thought you were speaking to me, you were mumbling to yourself.” “Oh my god… then I introduced myself.” “Yep.” He pops the P. “I’m such an asshole,” I whine. “I like that that’s your take-away and not that I’m some stalker.” “Well, now that you mention it…” I tease.

“Hi, Matt.” “Hi, Liz.” He matches her crisp delivery. She bites her fingernails with the hand that isn’t gripping me to the point of searing pain. “It is so you to bring a hot date to my wedding.” Matt nods and runs a hand through his hair as I check my sister’s temperature with the back of my hand. “Are you okay? You’re sweating.” “I’m hosting an event for two-hundred people with little to no help, and the goddamn weather app can’t decide if it’s going to rain or be blazing hot.” “Umbrellas?” I offer. “A universal solution?” “Why didn’t I think of that?” She almost stomps her foot. “Hi, Matt,” she says again, as if she’s suffering from short-term memory loss. “Uh, hi, Liz.” “Sorry for calling you hot.” “Don’t be.” He shrugs. “You seem nice.” She turns to me. “Is he nice?” “The nicest,” I clarify, leading her to a stool at the counter. “Let’s sit.” I pet her hair. “What needs to be done? You’ve got brains and brawn here. Put us to work.” I look at Matt, who’s nodding his agreement. “And beauty, apparently,” he says with a cheeky grin.

“Honey, are you positive?” my mom asks. “Did Sam just get in your head?” “No… No. I mean, I don’t know if it’s Sam I want either, but I knew before then—Phillip is the safe choice. Bet small, lose small… you know?” “You were scared,” I mumble. “Of finding something real.” “We’ve seen how that can end, right?” She curls in on herself. “Right.” I nod thoughtfully. God… we’re more alike than I’ve ever realised. “Liz?” I say softly. “Yeah?” “I’m really proud of you. It may be the most last-minute decision of all time… but I’m really proud of you.” “He’s going to be so mad.” “He is.” I nod, lowering into her lap and hooking my arms over her shoulders. “But you are going to be so happy.”

“You know, when you asked me to be your date—I really just imagined free food and dancing.” “But this is so much more fun?” I ask. “Obviously. Fuck that guy. Nobody puts Kathy in a corner.” “Did you just quote Dirty Dancing at me?” I clutch my metaphorical pearls. “I’m so proud.”

The last letter, by total chance, is my favourite. No poetic prose or details. He’s not trying to impress me, and he’s not trying to earn me. It’s only ten words on a full sheet of paper—not even signed. Fuck, I miss you. You’ve ruined me. Do it again.

“Was this… was this your dad’s?” I nod, looking up to the ceiling to avoid another rush of tears. But Matt’s choked-out sob ruins that entirely. “I asked my mom for it before I left,” I croak. “I didn’t want to come empty-handed, and it felt right.”

“I think this might be the best day of my life. I’m not convinced it’s all real. That you’re real. Here, in my arms, my grandmother’s ring on your hand. It’s too good to be true.” “I’ve missed you so much,” I reply tenderly.

He licks his lips, his eyes narrowing softly like he’s capturing a moment. I match his stare, fighting the urge to shy away from his intense focus. “What?” I laugh with only breath. “You’re the most beautiful person in the entire world.” He says it so bluntly, so earnestly, I can’t help but believe him. “You’re everything,” he whispers, shaking his head.

I’ve been trying out new pet names. So far, the only one that feels right is gorgeous, but it makes Matt blush—which I love, but he doesn’t.

our home, Benedict Cumberbus.

“Are you and Auntie going to have a baby?” She puts her little hand on my stomach, and I wonder if I appear pregnant and laugh. “I don’t know.” I pat her hand and gently remove it. “Maybe don’t. Then I can stay your favourite forever,”