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“If you don’t give me your name, I’m just gonna make one up,” he said, leaning against the counter. “And fair warnin’, you look like a Judith.” “I do not!” I exclaimed. “Half-dressed girls who climb me like a tree are usually named Judith,” he told me solemnly. “This happens to you often?” I deadpanned. He shrugged. “You’d be surprised.”
“If there are any greater powers up there—stop laughing.”
Coming from a family where sensible was in short supply, that was incredibly attractive. We’d heard that men like him existed, but actually laying eyes on one in person was a once-in-a-lifetime event. He was the Sasquatch of boyfriends.
If you happen across a supernatural creature you don’t understand, do not do anything to attract its attention until you’re sure it’s friendly. Unless you’re comfortable operating with fewer appendages; if that’s the case, carry on. —When, What, Witch, Were, and Why? The Five W’s of Safe Interactions with the Paranormal
“I, uh, should probably apologize for the other night. As pleasant as it was to have my hands full of naked new neighbor, my mama wouldn’t have approved of the way I behaved. My only defense is that I’m not used to ladies introducin’ themselves by climbin’ me like a jungle gym . . . Well, that’s not true; it does happen on occasion. But that’s why I stay away from bachelorette parties nowadays.”
“When you go out and buy a shirt like that, do you actually calculate the number of bicep curls you’ll have to perform in order to do it justice?”
“Why are you making that face?” “I’m trying to determine whether this dinner is good enough to put up with your nonsense or if I should abandon my bowl and storm out.” He nodded and took another bite. “Come to a decision yet?” “Curse Carol-Anne Reilly and her devil dumplings,”
When you are invited to partake in the rituals of supernatural creatures, it’s best to follow the lead of the closest human—if that human seems sane and somewhat likeable. —Miss Manners’ Guide to Undead Etiquette
Once you were accepted into the “pack,” you were in for life, and woe betide the fool who crossed you. Zeb told me it was a bit like the Mafia, only with snarky insults instead of cement shoes.
No happy story has ever included the words “Ouija board.”
“I was told keeping you caffeinated would be an important part of my survival,” he said, pressing the cup into my hand and stepping away quickly. I knew I shouldn’t have told Jane that story about punching Uncle Seamus in the throat when he tried to wake me during a fire drill at the clinic.
“Defensive and secretive, the Southern male deflects the personal question with posturing and a sexual reference intending to make the inquisitor uncomfortable,” I said in my best nature documentary narrator’s voice.
“Ow! Hey, you kissed me. Why am I gettin’ hit?” “Sorry, sorry. Instinct. I will keep my lips and my hands to myself.” “Well, let’s not go crazy. Anytime you want to make out with me in a panic, feel fr—Ow! Stop hittin’ me!”
“Shug,” he said. “It’s short for ‘sugar’; it means she likes you. Or, at least, she likes the money you’re about to pay her. If she called you by your first name, she’d be indifferent. If she called you Miss Leary, she’d have already written you off.” “Good to know.”
There is no such thing as magical glue. Any witch who tries to sell you magical glue is a lying hag. —A Witch’s Compendium of Curses
casserole, collard greens, and hush puppies, which I had never tried. “Wow, you are just throwing yourself into that plate, aren’t you?” Jed marveled. “I know, it’s probably revolting. You’ve probably spent your adult life dating women who eat the cucumber from their salad and proclaim they’re just too full to go on, but I am starving. And this is really good.”
I didn’t feel that constant nagging pressure to say the right thing or use the right fork. Because Jed had seen me having a possum-fueled panic attack wearing nothing but a towel. After that, there was nowhere to go but up.
Vampires are slow to trust and quick to attack. Do your best not to piss them off. And if you’ve already done so, run. —A Smart Girl’s Guide to Living with the Undead
