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December 27, 2023 - January 2, 2024
Prologue Growing Roses from Concrete
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If they were singled out by their coaches, it was not for unusual aptitude but unusual motivation. That motivation wasn’t innate; it tended to begin with a coach or teacher who made learning fun. “What any person in the world can learn, almost all persons can learn,” the lead psychologist concluded, “if provided with appropriate . . . conditions of learning.”
What look like differences in natural ability are often differences in opportunity and motivation.
Potential is not a matter of where you start, but of how far you travel. We need to focus less on starting points and more on distance traveled.
People who make major strides are rarely freaks of nature. They’re usually freaks of nurture.
ambition is the outcome you want to attain. Aspiration is the person you hope to become.
What counts is not how hard you work but how much you grow. And growth requires much more than a mindset—it begins with a set of skills that we normally overlook.
Character is more than just having principles. It’s a learned capacity to live by your principles.
The true measure of your potential is not the height of the peak you’ve reached, but how far you’ve climbed to get there.
PART I Skills of Character Getting Better at Getting Better
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Character is your capacity to prioritize your values over your instincts.
If personality is how you respond on a typical day, character is how you show up on a hard day.
Chapter 1 Creatures of Discomfort Embracing the Unbearable Awkwardness of Learning
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Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved. —Helen Keller
“The more mistakes you make, the faster you will improve and the less they will bother you,”
Chapter 2 Human Sponges Building the Capacity to Absorb and Adapt
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When they have helpful input, people are often reluctant to share it. We even hesitate to tell friends they have food in their teeth. We’re confusing politeness with kindness. Being polite is withholding feedback to make someone feel good today. Being kind is being candid about how they can get better tomorrow. It’s possible to be direct in what you say while being thoughtful about how you deliver it. I don’t want to embarrass you, but I realized it would be a lot more embarrassing if no one told you about the broccoli sprouting from your gums.
Instead of seeking feedback, you’re better off asking for advice. Feedback tends to focus on how well you did last time. Advice shifts attention to how you can do better next time. In experiments, that simple shift is enough to elicit more specific suggestions and more constructive input.[*] Rather than dwelling on what you did wrong, advice guides you toward what you can do right.
Being a sponge is not only a proactive skill—it’s a prosocial skill. Done right, it’s not just about soaking up nutrients that help us grow. It’s also about releasing nutrients to help others grow.
Chapter 3 The Imperfectionists Finding the Sweet Spot between Flawed and Flawless
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Tadao Ando is the only architect ever to win all four of the field’s most prestigious prizes. Known as the master of light and concrete, he’s revered for pioneering minimalist, sturdy structures—from homes to temples to museums—that amplify the natural world around them. His buildings have been described as earthquake-proof, and his designs have been called visual haikus.
If you’re not fastidious about getting every element right, your designs will be flawed and your buildings could collapse. But then I learned that to be uncompromising, architects have to make compromises. And I kept hearing that no one did this better than Tadao Ando.
We usually associate aesthetic and technical prowess with a drive for flawless results. As I’ve studied the habits of great designers, dancers, and divers, though, I’ve come to understand that unlocking hidden potential is not about the pursuit of perfection. Tolerating flaws isn’t just something novices need to do—it’s part of becoming an expert and continuing to gain mastery. The more you grow, the better you know which flaws are acceptable.
In a meta-analysis, the average correlation between perfectionism and performance at work was zero. When it came to mastering their tasks, perfectionists were no better than their peers. Sometimes they even did worse. The skills and inclinations that drive people to the top of their high school or college class may not serve them so well after they graduate.
perfectionists tend to get three things wrong. One: they obsess about details that don’t matter. They’re so busy finding the right solution to tiny problems that they lack the discipline to find the right problems to solve. They can’t see the forest for the trees. Two: they avoid unfamiliar situations and difficult tasks that might lead to failure. That leaves them refining a narrow set of existing skills rather than working to develop new ones. Three: they berate themselves for making mistakes, which makes it harder to learn from them. They fail to realize that the purpose of reviewing your
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Wabi sabi is the art of honoring the beauty in imperfection. It’s not about creating intentional imperfections. It’s about accepting that flaws are inevitable—and recognizing that they don’t stop something from becoming sublime.
Wabi sabi is a character skill. It gives you the discipline to shift your attention from impossible ideals to achievable standards—and then adjust those standards over time. But finding beauty in imperfection is often easier said than done.
I learned that even when I wasn’t satisfied with my diving, there was a version of me that could be. There’s another technique that I’ve found helpful for dumping perfectionism. In psychology, it’s known as mental time travel. Yes, that’s a thing.
Appreciating progress depends on remembering how your past self would see your current achievements. If you knew five years ago what you’d accomplish now, how proud would you have been?
Ultimately, excellence is more than meeting other people’s expectations. It’s also about living up to your own standards. After all, it’s impossible to please everyone. The question is whether you’re letting down the right people. It’s better to disappoint others than to disappoint yourself.
PART II Structures for Motivation Scaffolding to Overcome Obstacles
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Scaffolding unleashes hidden potential by helping us forge paths we couldn’t otherwise see. It enables us to find motivation in the daily grind, gain momentum in the face of stagnation, and turn difficulties and doubts into sources of strength.
Chapter 4 Transforming the Daily Grind Infusing Passion into Practice
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Research reveals that the actual number of hours required for excellence varies dramatically by person and activity. What’s clear is that deliberate practice is particularly valuable for improving skills in predictable tasks with consistent moves—swinging a golf club, solving a Rubik’s Cube, or playing a violin.
The monotony of deliberate practice puts them at risk for burnout—and for boreout. Yes, boreout is an actual term in psychology. Whereas burnout is the emotional exhaustion that accumulates when you’re overloaded, boreout is the emotional deadening you feel when you’re under-stimulated. Although it takes deliberate practice to achieve greater things, we shouldn’t drill so hard that we drive the joy out of the activity and turn it into an obsessive slog.
Harmonious passion is taking joy in a process rather than feeling pressure to achieve an outcome. You’re no longer practicing under the specter of should. I should be studying. I’m supposed to practice. You’re drawn into a web of want. I feel like studying. I’m excited to practice. That makes it easier to find flow: you slip quickly into the zone of total absorption, where the world melts away and you become one with your instrument. Instead of controlling your life, practicing enriches your life.
In deliberate play, you actually redesign the task itself to make it both motivating and developmental.
research suggests that the people with the most discipline actually use the least amount of it. My colleague Angela Duckworth finds that instead of relying on willpower to push through a strenuous situation, they change the situation to make it less strenuous.
deliberate play can amplify your motivation and accelerate your development.
research reveals that when we work nights and weekends, our interest and enjoyment in our tasks drop. Even just reminding you that it’s Saturday is enough to reduce your intrinsic motivation—you realize that you could be doing something fun and relaxing instead.
breaks unlock fresh ideas. In my own research with Jihae Shin, I’ve found that taking breaks boosts creativity when you feel harmonious passion toward a task. Your interest keeps the problem active in the back of your mind, and you’re more likely to incubate new ways of framing it and unexpected ways of solving it.
breaks deepen learning. In one experiment, taking a ten-minute break after learning something improved recall for students by 10 to 30 percent—and even more for stroke and Alzheimer’s patients. Once about 24 hours have passed, information starts to fade from our memories—we fall down a forgetting curve.
Relaxing is not a waste of time—it’s an investment in well-being. Breaks are not a distraction—they’re a chance to reset attention and incubate ideas. Play is not a frivolous activity—it’s a source of joy and a path to mastery.
“Worthwhile practice is where progress is made. It’s about quality, not quantity. You need to feel there’s a shift—something is different when you walked out of the room.”
Before, her practice time was focused on “an outcome of being judged,” Evelyn says. Deliberate play taught her that “the real outcome is her enjoyment.” Without enjoyment, potential stays hidden.
Chapter 5 Getting Unstuck The Roundabout Path to Forward Progress
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A rut is not a sign that you’ve tanked. A plateau is not a cue that you’ve peaked. They’re signals that it may be time to turn around and find a new route. When you’re stuck, it’s usually because you’re heading in the wrong direction, you’re taking the wrong path, or you’re running out of fuel.
