The Problem with Pretending

by Emma Hart

ME: Past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour, so get used to anal.

I want anecdotes for dinner parties to shut up my stepmother when she goes on her factually incorrect social justice crusades.

Nobody has asked if you’re my girlfriend.” “Have you told them I’m not?” William stopped in front of a large Range Rover with a normal plate—not a rental—and glanced at me. “Nobody has asked.”

“She’s a prime bridezilla with his temper,” he admitted. “He threatened to cancel the wedding three times in two hours, she threatened to disinvite him, to which he replied, “What bloody wedding, I’ve cancelled it!” so Grandma decided it would be best if Freya stayed elsewhere.”

“Haven’t you heard? Everyone’s a winner these days.” William snorted. “If I was told that in school, I’d have cracked the egg from the egg and spoon race over someone’s head.”

“What do you think is going to happen? Do you think a murderous snowman is going to take advantage of a power outage, climb through a window, and take us all out if we dare venture outside the room?” “Well, I do now!”

I’d never have agreed to this… this… shenanigan.” His lips tugged to one side. “Shenanigan. Just the singular.”

When I say I don’t do the aristocracy, I mean it. I avoid it at all costs. It’s not so crazy to ignore a largely patriarchal class when you were tossed aside for your younger sibling just because he had the good sense to be born with a penis.”

“You know the two of you are far too comfortable for this fake relationship trope you’re living out, don’t you?”

“Why would a snowman be sleeping?” “I don’t know. Maybe he’s tired of your shit.”

“I don’t cause carnage,” Granny called over. “Carnage finds me.”

“I’m not sure I should answer that after two glasses of wine.” “Two? Is that the first two, or the second two?” “Both. All two glasses.”

“I’m your only sister, and no. The last time you did that willingly was when you were four and I had the TV remote.” “Actually, it was last year when I bought you lunch.” “That was a bribe to buy you alcohol,” I reminded him. “If she won’t, I’ll do it,” Granny interjected. “I’ll take free food.”

“No, you should marry for love,” Eva agreed. “But spite is an excellent secondary reason.”

“You shouldn’t let the past dictate your future. Other people’s choices and actions, especially ones you had no control over, should not impact yours today.”

“I think I need to talk to Dad about this.” “I agree. And if he wants to talk to me, do me a favour and tell him my plane crashed. I’m not in the mood for his bitching today.”