Unruly: The Ridiculous History of England's Kings and Queens

by David Mitchell

I rather like the image of William the Conqueror tearing a strip off Henry VIII for closing down Battle Abbey, and all the other abbeys for that matter. Or possibly roughing him up, like Michael Caine does to Bryan Mosley in Get Carter. Henry VIII seems all broad-beamed and martial, but in reality he was a pampered prince – born to a reigning king. Good at sport and jousting in his youth, but his later life was dominated by relationship troubles and a gammy leg. He wasn’t a proper warrior like his Norman ancestor, who was born illegitimate, became duke of Normandy as a child, somehow managed to hold on to the duchy and then made himself a king. ‘You’re a big man,’ the Conqueror would say, ‘but you’re out of shape. With me, it’s a full-time job. So behave yourself.’ Slap.