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Finally, the good part, he always finds himself thinking. It’s the moment when a room full of relative strangers becomes a room full of people who have speed-run through the motions of friendship—they know things about each other that their own partners and parents and friends don’t know, or at least haven’t heard told like this.
“I promise no one’s thinking about anything you’ve said as much as they’re thinking about themselves and how they’ll impress everyone tomorrow.”
He looks up and she feels the full intensity of his stare for the first time today. She thinks suddenly of a time when she was young and running inside from the winter weather: a rush of warmth, followed immediately by the unpleasant jolt of falling against a cold, hard floor.
There’s a bitter twist to his smile, and she wonders what he thinks she’s trying to do here. She has the distinct impression that he believes she’s in control of this—whatever it is that’s come up between them. And she feels more like a pilot realizing miles after takeoff that the navigation system is on the fritz and they’re flying into a storm.
Heat flames her face as he pulls away to look at her. She’s painfully aware it sounds like she’s fishing for a compliment and decides the best way through this is to reassure him quickly, “Forget I said that. I love my body. You’re very lucky to be here. Come back.”
She thinks sometimes if she ever wanted to pivot, she could still write an entire book of poems about all the ways she breaks her mother’s heart in a day.
“I know what I want,” he says slowly. “I want you to throw a birthday party—a dinner party—at my house. Invite everyone from the room. Come early to help set up. Stay late to break it down. And I get to touch you whenever I want, until you walk out the door.”
He exhales and follows her into the kitchen. She’s cleaning up, putting dishes in the dishwasher, her hair in a messy, frustrated ponytail. He’s so in love with her it hurts.
Then she looks up and sees some flicker of nerves in his eyes, despite his casual posture, and her heart seems ready to collapse with the weight of loving him.
