Listen for the Lie

by Amy Tintera

Let this be a lesson to all the men out there who can’t handle conflict—man up and dump your girlfriend, or you might end up living with a suspected murderer indefinitely.

He may be a deeply average dude, but he has great taste in dogs.

I really should try to be less of an asshole.

Telemarketers and Grandma—the only people who use the phone in the way it was originally intended.

“I think we’re supposed to pretend to like them anyway.” “Well. I can’t have a birthday party with only the assholes.”

We might all be dead soon, but that seems like too much to hope for.

Men are such babies. They’re too scared to actually break up with you, so they just get mean or fade away until you get mad and dump them.

“Bold of you to assume I have standards.”

They’re usually some version of “How do you live with yourself, you heartless bitch?” or “You’re going to hell,” except almost always with the wrong your, which is extremely distracting. An insult doesn’t have the intended impact when spelled incorrectly. I’d reply to let them know, but, in my experience, dumbasses don’t appreciate having their spelling corrected.

Texans hate California. It’s one of the reasons I made it my home.