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“Both ways, but you’re shutting me out while I’m trying my damnedest to open up to you.” Says the man who’s never so much as told me he loves me. If he does. Gods, I’m so sick of having to make the first move when it comes to this man. And today isn’t the day to open myself up to that rejection, too.
“You weren’t there!” My anger slips from the box I painstakingly built for it, and power whips through me, scalding my veins. “You didn’t hold him, watch the light fade out of his eyes, knowing that there wasn’t a physical thing wrong with him but he was dying because Deigh lay eviscerated just a few feet away. Nothing I did in those moments before mattered! Gods, I held on to him so tightly!” My hands curl into fists, my nails biting into my palms. “My shoulders almost dislocated, he was so damned heavy, but I held on! And it didn’t matter!”
“And the look on his face?” My voice breaks and my eyes burn with the memory of Liam’s head in my hands. “You don’t see it every time you try to sleep. You don’t hear him begging you to take care of Sloane. You sure as hell don’t hear Deigh scream…” I lace my fingers on top of my head and look away, waging war with the grief, the pain, the never-ending guilt, and as usual, I lose. There’s only that box and the blessed emptiness I know is achievable if I can get a little control, but the words won’t stop coming. It’s like my mouth has disassociated from my brain and my emotions are running the
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In the years after my father died, I forgot what it felt like to be loved. Then I entered the quadrant and became the monster everyone needed me to be, and I never regretted it. But then you gave those words to me, and I remembered…and nearly lost you, too. I’m striving to be better for you just like I promised, but I need you to know that monster is still there, screaming to use every ruthless part of me to get your words back. —Recovered Correspondence of Lieutenant Xaden Riorson to Cadet Violet Sorrengail
“We’re all dead if you fall off my back and break your impatient neck.” “Because I’m the impatient one.” I swing my small pack onto my back, then place one of the heavier packs on each of my shoulders. “I can’t believe you allowed someone up here to secure the bags. I’m impressed with your restraint.” “The section leader attached the bags to the saddle before I put it on, naturally.” “And here I was thinking you’d evolved.”

