It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

From the very beginning of her life, she had internalized the message that her wants, dreams, and needs weren’t worthy of being seen, and that she wasn’t enough.

Narcissistic people are egocentric, but this goes beyond mere selfishness. It is selfishness with a devaluation chaser. For example, a selfish person will choose the restaurant they want, but a narcissistic person will choose the restaurant they want and tell you they had to do that because you are too dumb about food to choose one.

Narcissistic folks are motivated by dominance, status, control, power, and the desire to be special.

Relationships exist largely for the narcissistic person’s benefit and pleasure.

they know that empathy is valued but they may only deploy it as a tactic.

In other words, narcissistic people make you feel small so they can feel safe.

For people who grew up with a narcissistic parent, gaslighting can mean that experiences of abuse within the household were denied and bullying by siblings was glossed over. Adding insult to injury, when people from gaslighted families grow up, their difficult experiences of childhood are denied even when they inquire about them in adulthood.

Ultimately, for a narcissistic relationship to last, you must submit to their reality.

Another framework for more wholly understanding gaslighting comes from Dr. Jennifer Freyd, a renowned psychologist best known for her work on betrayal. She conceptualized the DARVO model to explain the response any abuser, but certainly a gaslighter, will engage in when confronted about their behavior. DARVO stands for deny (the behavior), attack (the person confronting them about the behavior), and reverse victim and offender (the gaslighter positions themselves as a victim—e.g., “Everyone is out to get me”—and the other person as the abuser—e.g., “You are always coming at me and criticizing me”).[3]

SIGNS YOU MAY BE BEING GASLIGHTED

Being overreliant on other people’s feedback to determine how you are feeling.

Giving long preludes before you say something.

To be in a narcissistic relationship is to have your needs, feelings, beliefs, experiences, thoughts, hopes, and even sense of self be dismissed and invalidated.

it can slowly feel like you do not exist.

They want life to be a kaleidoscope of perfect ease, validation, and entertainment.

The narcissistic parent is simply not attuned to the child as a distinct person with needs, identity, and personhood separate from them,

they will often find themselves feeling abandoned or guilty when the parent either gives them the silent treatment or behaves like a victim. Then these children find they are in the caregiving role of having to attune to the bruised parent’s needs and silence their own.