It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

Keep in mind that it’s not you who is boring; they get bored and contemptuous of everyone and live in a world that is never enough for them. They want life to be a kaleidoscope of perfect ease, validation, and entertainment.

The narcissistic parent is simply not attuned to the child as a distinct person with needs, identity, and personhood separate from them, and these are not things a child can ask for directly.

Pain is important: how we evade it, how we succumb to it, how we deal with it, how we transcend it. AUDRE LORDE

Identifying a narcissistic person is far less important than understanding what qualifies as unacceptable behavior and what it does to you.

One of the great traps of the narcissistic relationship is that the narcissistic folks actually believe they are nice people.

Narcissistic folks are more likely to feel inconvenienced by your health issues—they do not like infirmity or other reminders of human frailty or mortality, and they are too selfish and impatient to engage in compassionate and sustained caregiving.

Sadly, we don’t always get justice and accountability, or even an apology.

There is no schedule to healing. It takes as long as it takes, and it varies depending on the nature of the relationship, whether you stay or go,

You can’t change your backstory, but you can harness it to better understand when to slow down, pay attention, be kind to yourself, and let go of self-blame.

Start by slowing down, talking to yourself, and being aware of how you respond.

Discernment is a lifelong process of calibration and a willingness to see narcissistic behavior patterns as consistent, unchanging, and not good for you.

The things that may have drawn the narcissistic person to you—creativity, laughter, intelligence—are all still there, perhaps more hidden now, but there. Write out the strengths that you developed to survive and the strengths you have always had.

Narcissistic people do not like being left. They are highly sensitive to rejection, so as a result, if you leave, they may become punitive,

By setting boundaries, ending relationships, disengaging, and radically accepting what narcissistic relationships are really about, you can start extending those boundaries to the other unhealthy people in your life. If

To become more narcissist resistant, you also need to become more gaslight resistant.

Over-apologizing is usually a response to gaslighting, and it causes you to gaslight yourself.

Healing is a slow evolution of being in harmony with your body, understanding that your body has been trying to keep you safe all this time, and intentionally bringing some relaxation into your life.

Learn their tells—watch how they behave under conditions of stress, frustration, or disappointment.

If it’s a toxic workplace, remain aware of what can be derived from the job, such as connections, technical skills, benefits, or retirement plans. Being

Gray rocking entails being as uninteresting as a gray rock, with minimal response, flat emotion, and simple answers. It’s as close to no contact with a narcissist as you can be while still having some contact.

When you practice not going DEEP you do not: Defend Engage Explain Personalize

It means saving your depth for the people who reciprocate.

When we do account for repeat offenders and disagreeable

personalities, research suggests that it would be better for your well-being if you didn’t forgive.[3]