It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. ELIE WIESEL

Until the story of the hunt is told by the lion, the tale of the hunt will always glorify the hunter. The person who holds the narrative holds the power.

To be in a narcissistic relationship is to have your needs, feelings, beliefs, experiences, thoughts, hopes, and even sense of self be dismissed and invalidated.

Narcissistic people may imply that you “owe” them something, with parents even implying you “owe” them because they fed and housed you. The exploitativeness means that there will be a psychological debt that is created if you ever accept a favor,

Narcissistic people have high rejection sensitivity, and any experience that smacks of rejection or abandonment is met with reactive rage.[5]

They will use money to control you;

Hell really hath no fury like a narcissist scorned. Their vindictive behavior may range from spreading damaging workplace gossip or stealing business leads to major things like quitting a job so they don’t have to pay you spousal support or cutting you out of a family trust because you set a boundary.

Narcissistic abuse always entails blame shifting. Nothing is ever their responsibility or their fault because for a narcissistic person to take responsibility or accept blame means having to accept that they are accountable and imperfect.

humiliation. It may be framed as mockery in front of others, and downplayed as a joke, but it may also be indirectly communicated through non-verbals such as eye-rolling. Shaming and embarrassing you is an unconscious way for the narcissistic person to eliminate their own shame by pivoting it to someone else.