It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

Moderate narcissists have just enough insight to know that their behavior is not okay—but not enough regulation, mindfulness, or empathy to stop themselves.

narcissism is a personality style, not a disorder.

most narcissistic people are more likely to think the other person is the one with the issue, not them).

We all have a personality; some are just easier to get along with than others.

Milder narcissistic abuse may feel like being taken for granted and being chronically disappointed,

Narcissistic abuse always entails blame shifting.

Other sparring patterns that characterize narcissistic abuse include criticism of just about anything you do.

Narcissists lie; it’s what they do.

When you are narcissistically abused you are told how to feel and what to think,

instead of embracing forgiveness as a call to be better, narcissistic people view it as a sign that there will not be consequences for their behavior.

the first time something happens is a blip, the second time is a coincidence, the third time is a pattern.

Start small by simply staying in touch with healthy people, then slowly start prioritizing these relationships

not sharing good news with them because they will minimize and take the joy out of it

there are more people like this in your world than you initially recognized.

say “No” to that phone call you know will be a one-sided time suck.

Robert Frost once wrote, “The best way out is always through.”

disenfranchised grief,[2] which is grief that is not acknowledged by others or socially sanctioned and supported as a loss or grief experience.

The ubiquitous nature of the narcissistic personality style and the fact that society rewards it means that you will continue to encounter it—in potential partners, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, or parking-lot bullies.

you have been or are currently in a narcissistic relationship, you have been told how you feel, whether you are hungry or not, or even that “You can’t be cold, this room is warm enough.”

“You have no right to feel that way.

the cardinal rule of narcissism: they aren’t listening.

Forgiveness is narcissistic supply, one more thing that emboldens the narcissistic person’s entitlement,

forgiveness is not good for a person if it is not followed by an attempt to make amends or foster safety.