It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

a narcissistic parent does not love bomb a child. However, the child will grasp onto idealized moments that will alternate with periods of devaluation and detachment, which the child will attempt to offset by being “better” so the parent will come back around. The idealization or love bombing is actually the deep desire of the child for a loving parent and the parent capitalizing on that willingness. When a narcissistic relationship begins in adulthood, the relationship cycle, and particularly the love bombing, are more transparent, with the seduction and idealization being an active process that hooks you and brings you into a confusing alternating cycle of both good and abusive patterns and experiences. These narcissistic relationship cycles can repeat for adult children of narcissistic parents, and set up a pattern of getting stuck in toxic cycles with a parent or a partner (or any narcissistic person) constantly pulling the other person back into a self-serving and invalidating process.

For many of us, the cycle becomes a reenactment of trying to win over our unwinnable parent, so it feels familiar to be rejected and exciting and reassuring to be idealized. Or you feel a loyalty to people you love and don’t want to impugn their character by labeling them or the relationship as toxic (so you end up blaming yourself).

In narcissistic relationships, the trauma bond is a deep and distracting sense of love or connection that blocks you from seeing the toxic cycles of the relationship clearly.[8] Nobody stays in a narcissistic relationship because it is abusive and uncomfortable, and describing survivors of adult narcissistic relationships as “masochists” or “gluttons for punishment” is an inaccurate and unfair characterization. The good moments are what draw you in and what you want to sustain; the bad moments are confusing and unsettling.

Experiencing an invalidating childhood creates a relationship template that consists of hoop-jumping to earn love, feeling guilty for expressing your own needs, and believing that abuse and invalidation are a part of a loving relationship,

But radical acceptance is not a disavowal of a narcissistic person; it’s a rejection of their behavior and a recognition that this unacceptable behavior will not shift.

That mental trap of “I need to be forgiving, I know they don’t mean it” or “I am as bad as them if I give up on them” can keep people stuck and impede the process of healing. Instead, focus on framing narcissistic abuse as behavior, because it can feel less dehumanizing than viewing it as “This is a bad person.”

Seeing the narcissistic behavior doesn’t make you “bad” but rather quite courageous. To clearly see and accept a pattern that is painful to acknowledge yet be willing to make realistic choices and protect yourself is the height of fearlessness and resilience.