It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

The only thing you need to understand about narcissism is that in almost all cases this personality pattern was there before you came into the narcissistic person’s life and it will be there after you leave. These relationships change you, but out of that shift comes growth, a new perspective, and greater interpersonal discernment. Recognizing and coming out of these relationships can be a wake-up call to excavate your authentic self, dust it off, and take it into the world. The traditional therapeutic goal of teaching clients to understand their role and responsibilities in a relationship and to learn to think differently about situations that aren’t working doesn’t consider that the deck is stacked when it comes to managing these situations with a narcissistic person. Short of deluding yourself about the relationship, how differently can you think about someone who is manipulating you and negating your existence as a person? Instead of learning to think differently about the person, it’s time we started learning about what constitutes unacceptable and toxic behavior. I hope that this book shines a light on a simple premise that narcissistic patterns and behaviors really don’t change and you are not to blame for another person’s invalidating behavior. I want you to land on a simple yet profound truth: It’s not you.