It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

Until the story of the hunt is told by the lion, the tale of the hunt will always glorify the hunter.

I slowly set boundaries, radically accepted that none of this behavior would change, stopped trying to change the antagonistic people in my life, and disengaged from them and their behavior.

Recognizing and coming out of these relationships can be a wake-up call to excavate your authentic self, dust it off, and take it into the world.

I want you to land on a simple yet profound truth: It’s not you.

This validation from other people or the world at large, whatever form it takes, is called narcissistic supply.

recognize that not “doing” may raise anxiety, but that is simply the process of letting go of the identity of this role. Start with small Nos and slowly work your way up.

Life is complicated and multiple things can be true. You do not, and actually should not, view these relationships through a black-and-white lens.

While in the relationship, you may also experience ambiguous loss,[1] described as loss that is ongoing, unresolved, and unclear.

Healing is an act of resistance, defiance, and rebellion.

Healing is the attempt to extract lessons from the suffering,

Having a feeling, an experience, or not agreeing with someone’s distortion of your reality is not “wrong.”

You would have better luck punching a snarling tiger in the face than trying to win an argument with a narcissistic person.

Their behavior, not your natural response, is what is unacceptable.

Try for “good enough” instead, a place where you acknowledge that what you did is fine.

Striving for good enough is a key to healing.

The more present you can make yourself, the better you are at discerning unhealthy patterns and protecting yourself.

Joy has to be on the narcissistic person’s terms, and if they are having a bad day, so is everyone else.

Allowing yourself to experience joy is a highly effective form of narcissist resistance.

Experiencing joy is an act of defiance if you are experiencing narcissistic abuse.

Start getting comfortable with taking the less popular path.

Staying is a choice and seeing it that way is powerful. There is a reason for your choice. Dig into it and be mindful about the way you choose to stay.

The truth is, healing is more important than leaving.

Healing means not judging your feelings.

You may believe that the healing path forward is to see the narcissistic person as all bad, but that may require lying to yourself, which won’t work. It’s okay to love them.

Just don’t let those days trick you into seeing this relationship or behavior in an unrealistic manner, which starts the cycle of hurt and disappointment again.

To replenish your bandwidth, you need to engage in what I term realistic self-care. This isn’t spas and massages and positive affirmations; this is recognizing when you are feeling depleted—when you have fatigue,

brain fog, physical exhaustion, self-doubt, difficulty making decisions—and then giving yourself a minute.

Catch your should-ing, recognize that it comes from a place of craving your own sense of normal and healthy, and practice self-kindness.

The key is to remember that boundaries are an inside job. It becomes less about you waiting for the narcissistic person to honor a boundary and more about you setting one for yourself that you can honor.

In narcissistic relationships, the best way to manage boundaries is to not engage, banter, spar, or take the bait.

Defend Engage Explain Personalize

Who are you? What do you want? What do you need? What do you stand for? This is not always easy, but this is the work.

Your narrative has been shaped by people who didn’t want you to be you.

The first step is to identify the old, warped narratives that have been holding you back. Write these down.

The story of the hunt, told by the lion.

Multiple studies suggest that forgiveness is not good for a person if it is not followed by an attempt to make amends or foster safety.

Most of what is written about the virtues of forgiveness does not account for narcissism and antagonism.

Forgiveness for them meant internal tension for me. Doesn’t seem very healing, does it? Some

But I don’t view lack of forgiveness as a weight I carry. I view it as a realistic assessment of the situation.

Or you may have been told that you will not be able to heal if you do not forgive. That is simply not true.

It’s about bringing forth the wise, more self-aware, authentic you.

teaching credential.” Thriving is often simply “I went through the entire day and didn’t hear their voice in my head once.”