It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

We can begin to break intergenerational cycles of devaluation and invalidation and psychological self-harm.

Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. ELIE WIESEL

Week after week, my clients’ panic and sadness ebbed and flowed alongside the patterns and behavior within their relationships.

It became clear that the relationships were the horse and the anxiety that got them into therapy was the cart.

they censored themselves in these relationships and became progressively more numb and restrained to avoid the criticism, contempt, or anger from these challenging people in their lives.

my clients consistently shared stories of being invalidated or shamed for having a need or for expressing or being themselves.

They were blamed for the problematic behavior of these people in their lives. They felt lost and isolated.

When people are hurt, there is a preoccupation with understanding the “why”—as if this could somehow ease their pain (it doesn’t). We become so curious about the hunter in an almost obsessive zeal to understand why they do what they do.

grapple with whether it is even a worthwhile conversation to focus on narcissism, because the issue is really the harm the narcissistic person’s behavior causes you.

felt guilty and disloyal for viewing family members and people I loved as narcissistic.

Instead of learning to think differently about the person, it’s time we started learning about what constitutes unacceptable and toxic behavior.

identifying unhealthy relationship behavior and patterns.

To be given permission to disengage.

learn that understanding narcissism doesn’t mean you have to leave or end contact with people you have complicated relationships with, but instead that you can interact with them differently.

it is a basic human right to be seen and to have your own and separate identity, needs, wants, and aspirations expressed and recognized.

This is not a book about how they tick but rather how you heal.

Narcissism is about a deep insecurity and fragility offset by maneuvers like domination, manipulation, and gaslighting, which allow the narcissistic person to stay in control. The variable empathy and lack of self-awareness mean that they do not stop to consider the harm their behavior is creating for other people.

Narcissistic people need validation and admiration,

Narcissistic folks can dish it out but they cannot take it. When you give them even the mildest critique or feedback, you must be prepared for rapid, rageful, and disproportionate reactions, and it can be doubly confusing because they will frequently retaliate by criticizing you in far harsher terms.

The dance between the narcissistic reactive sensitivity to feedback, their need for reassurance and chronic sense that they are a victim, and their shame and subsequent rage at having these vulnerabilities reminds us of the essence of narcissistic relationships: you can’t win.

Their lashing out is unprocessed stuff, which is why even a mild critique or crisis can set off shame about their vulnerability or imperfection being on full display. These ego injuries then set off their rage and blame shifting, which allow them to reduce tension, maintain their grandiose facade, and feel safe. The lack of empathy and impulsivity mean that they can’t stop to catch themselves and consider how their lashing out may hurt you. Instead, they will issue a hollow apology and get frustrated if you try to hold them accountable.

They aren’t interested in the give-and-take that a healthy relationship requires, or in the needs of others.

parts of their personalities and behavior onto others to maintain their grandiose ideal of themselves and to shelter themselves from the discomfort of shame.

The moderate narcissist offers enough good days to keep you invested and enough bad days that hurt you and leave you utterly confused. Moderate narcissistic people have cognitive empathy, so they sometimes seem to “get it.” They are entitled and seek validation and have a cocky, but not menacing, arrogance. They are hypocritical and believe that there is one set of rules for them and another for everyone else. They often feel that they are the victim in situations that do not go their way. They do not take responsibility for their behavior and will shift blame onto others for anything that makes them look bad. They are deeply selfish and will choose what works for them to the detriment of you or anyone else.

They expect an almost robotic obedience to their beliefs and devalue emotion, human frailty, mistakes, and joy.

but they don’t necessarily show up because they are experiencing guilt for hurting others (in fact, most narcissistic people are more likely to think the other person is the one with the issue, not them).

There is minimal research supporting the outcome of sustained clinically significant narcissistic behavioral change, so let’s keep it simple and recognize the likelihood that the narcissistic people in your life are probably not going to be the exception to the rule.

Ironically, it’s almost always the people who are in the relationships with the narcissistic people who are getting into therapy,

The behaviors the narcissistic people engage in to dominate and protect their fragility are where the harm begins.

Oftentimes, the patterns and traits of narcissism can translate into relationship behaviors that are unhealthy and harmful, such as invalidation, manipulation, hostility, arrogance, and entitlement, and allow the narcissistic person to retain power and control in the relationship.

In other words, narcissistic people make you feel small so they can feel safe.

Rather, they’re dealing with moderate narcissistic abuse: systematic invalidation, minimization, manipulation, rage, betrayal, and gaslighting with periods of “normal” and “good” thrown into the mix.

To the world your relationship may look fine, while you live in a confused and uncomfortable haze.

erode your identity, intuition, and sense of well-being.

To grow up in a gaslighted family is to not only have endured emotional abuse but also to have the experiences of your childhood fictionalized.

Ultimately, for a narcissistic relationship to last, you must submit to their reality.

DARVO stands for deny (the behavior), attack (the person confronting them about the behavior), and reverse victim and offender (the gaslighter positions themselves as a victim—e.g., “Everyone is out to get me”—and the other person as the abuser—e.g., “You are always coming at me and criticizing me”).[3] DARVO

To be in a narcissistic relationship is to have your needs, feelings, beliefs, experiences, thoughts, hopes, and even sense of self be dismissed and invalidated.

Needing to control schedules, appearances, financial decisions, and the narrative is a classical part of narcissistic behavior.

Narcissistic abuse always entails blame shifting. Nothing is ever their responsibility or their fault because for a narcissistic person to take responsibility or accept blame means having to accept that they are accountable and imperfect.

There is no point in arguing because it will get you nowhere, as narcissistic people will hold firm to their assertion that it is anyone’s fault but their own.

Justifying and rationalizing are key elements of narcissistic abuse and are related to patterns such as gaslighting, manipulation, and denial.

Narcissistic people can argue like lawyers, finding cold and logical justifications for behaviors that hurt you just so they can win the argument.

Other sparring patterns that characterize narcissistic abuse include criticism of just about anything you do. The criticism can reveal itself as contempt for you, your habits, your life, or your mere existence,

Narcissists lie; it’s what they do.

Narcissistic folks lie to maintain their grandiose narratives, get attention, and sell an image to the world and they lie as a hedge against their shame.

future faking.

etc.—to keep you in the relationship longer, and then it never happens or the goalposts keep moving?

Narcissistic people know what you want, so they offer it to you as a manipulation to draw you back in and keep you on the hook.

“How would you know unless you give me a chance?”