It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

Narcissism is not about high self-esteem or low self-esteem as much as it is about inaccurate, inflated, and variable self-appraisal. The narcissistic person always harbors a lurking sense of inadequacy that is close to the bone, since they are unable to reflect on what they sound like or how their behavior impacts others.

If you come from a narcissistic family, the regrets can feel insurmountable. You may regret missing out on critical developmental social and emotional needs. You may regret that you never stretched your wings because you felt as if you were not enough. You may regret never receiving the encouragement you needed to pursue your dreams or not having a safe, unconditional space to turn to, even as an adult. You may also regret never having had a template for a healthy relationship.

If you grew up in a narcissistic family, trust was either distorted, misplaced, or never developed. The second-guessing can also mean that not only do you not trust the world but you do not trust yourself. It can be exhausting to regard the world with chronic mistrust and suspicion.

To clearly see and accept a pattern that is painful to acknowledge yet be willing to make realistic choices and protect yourself is the height of fearlessness and resilience.

Express whatever you’ve been ruminating over, because believe it or not, that expressed rumination will slowly help you digest your experience and ultimately step away from it.

Discovering who you truly are and accepting yourself may be the strongest radical acceptance tool you have, because the more you know and accept who you are, the more you don’t sacrifice and subjugate yourself.

Healing is an act of resistance, defiance, and rebellion. It requires a commitment to breaking out of long-standing cycles of self-blame and away from the existing narratives from the world at large. It means ending intergenerational cycles of trauma and toxic relationships.

Unfortunately, remaining in a constant state of physiological arousal is terrible for your health and can culminate in “survivor” patterns that are designed to keep you safe but can cause harm over the long run: walking on eggshells, not expressing your needs, being distracted, feeling dysregulated, or even experiencing symptoms of panic.

I wish we had a pop-up window that warned us right before we were about to share vulnerable information with the wrong person (“Are you sure you want to share your greatest fear?”) so we could check ourselves before we move forward.

Healing is possible regardless of whether you leave the narcissistic relationship or not. However, and I cannot sugarcoat this, living with or regularly interacting with a narcissistic person is like living with a person who smokes cigarettes. Even if you have air filters, open the windows, and keep the house clean, you will still get a little sick over time.

Setting boundaries becomes a revelation on what your relationships are made of—if you do “lose” someone or must contend with them becoming passive-aggressive or angry in the face of your boundary, this exposes some uncomfortable truths about these relationships. You may avoid setting boundaries if you are concerned about losing social support as you navigate this process of healing. However, pay attention to those uncomfortable truths that you do learn about others; this ties back to discernment, and perhaps a relationship you believed was “healthy” only worked because you had not set boundaries before.

Why do childhood stories matter? Because they become the tropes for how adult romantic stories are constructed (pursuit, rescue, happily ever after). Most of us were raised on fairy tales, which basically reinforce gender roles, punish individuation, and glorify everything about narcissistic relationships: love bombing, forced narcissistic relationships, forgiveness, obedience, grandiosity, and future faking.

Denying your history, story, and yourself can mean you remain self-judgmental and fractured. Have compassion for all of you. Invite those harmed parts of you in, recognize that what seemed like weakness was often patience, empathy, and strength.