It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. ELIE WIESEL

you also need to accept that even if you do radically accept that they won’t change, their ongoing hurtful behavior, even if you are prepared for it, still hurts.

Narcissistic people rarely genuinely apologize, face meaningful consequences for their behavior, take accountability or responsibility, or meaningfully acknowledge your pain.

The longer you focus on the injustice, the longer you remain in the narcissistic person’s abusive system and frame your healing around them (If they suffer, I will feel better).

Healing is an act of resistance, defiance, and rebellion. It requires a commitment to breaking out of long-standing cycles of self-blame and away from the existing narratives from the world at large.

gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that involves the gaslighter denying reality and dismantling a person’s sense of self by denying their experiences, perceptions, emotions, and, ultimately, reality.

It is not useful to approach someone experiencing narcissistic abuse and tell them that the person who is the source of their pain is narcissistic.

Supporters should never force a survivor over to their point of view about a narcissistic situation, but rather should be there to validate their experience.

Narcissist resistance is about past, present, and future: to start chipping away at those trauma bonds, to be present so you can identify unhealthy behavior, and to make sure you don’t keep going down the rabbit hole.