It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. ELIE WIESEL

Carolina has two children and was betrayed and cheated on by her husband several times during their twenty-year marriage, including with friends and neighbors. After he denied it repeatedly, and then after enduring his rage for her “paranoid accusations,” she was told the affairs were her fault for making him feel like he wasn’t important.

Nataliya has been married for fifty years to a man who told her that she was being “ridiculous” for expecting so much of him when she had cancer. He said it was “disruptive” and throwing him off because now he was supposed to feel sad for her and upend his busy schedule to pick her up from chemotherapy appointments.

She has struggled with ongoing health conditions, self-blame, and shame, and has become socially isolated from everyone except her close family.

Rafael’s father has compared him unfavorably to his brother since childhood, and he works constantly with the fantasy that once he makes enough money, he will get noticed. His father often perceived him as weak, would take some glee in telling him about his brother’s latest successes (Rafael had long since distanced from his brother), and had been emotionally abusive toward his wife, Rafael’s mother.

I was struck by the similarities in so many clients’ stories, yet these clients were very different people with different histories. But where they didn’t vary was that all of them felt they were to blame for their situations—they doubted themselves, ruminated, felt ashamed, were psychologically isolated, confused, and helpless. Increasingly, they censored themselves in these relationships and became progressively more numb and restrained to avoid the criticism, contempt, or anger from these challenging people in their lives. They were trying to change themselves with the hope that this would change this person and relationship.

Books about narcissism tend to talk about narcissists. We are deeply curious about these charming people who seem to get away with so much bad and hurtful behavior with so few consequences. We are compelled to understand why they are ostensibly so successful and why they do what they do. As much as we may not like narcissism, we glorify people with these personality styles—they are our leaders, heroes, entertainers, and celebrities.

We become so curious about the hunter in an almost obsessive zeal to understand why they do what they do. Why would someone lack empathy or gaslight or manipulate or lie so skillfully or rage so suddenly?

I use the term antagonistic relational stress to describe what happens to survivors of these relationships, and I prefer to characterize the behavior of the psychologically harmful person in my clients’ lives as antagonistic, which is a broader and less stigmatized term than narcissistic. This is the term I use when teaching other professionals about these patterns, because it captures the breadth of antagonistic behaviors and tactics that we observe in narcissism—manipulation, attention-seeking, exploitativeness, hostility, arrogance—but also in other antagonistic personality styles, such as psychopathy, and positions it as a unique stress that antagonistic relationships evoke. But the narcissistic cat is out of the bag, and the term narcissistic abuse is familiar to most of you, though I will also use the term antagonistic throughout this book to capture the full breadth of these patterns.

I lost relationships that once mattered to me and faced criticism for violating ancient cultural norms about family loyalty and current norms about needing to figure out a way to get along with people who have sharp elbows.

The clients I have worked with have gone through divorces that spanned years; been doubted by the leadership in their company when they made documented claims of harassment and abuse and watched the workplace perpetrator be moved to a new post in a different location; been cut off by their families when they set a boundary; had grandchildren withheld as punishment; watched elderly parents be financially abused by narcissistic siblings; survived invalidating childhoods just to have to survive invalidating adulthoods; had narcissistic friends start online smear campaigns when they didn’t get their way; and had narcissistic parents manipulate them from their deathbeds. I have worked in organizations where gaslighting was the preferred mode of communication, and I witnessed the most toxic people be enabled by the systems they worked in, to the detriment of the best and brightest in those places.

The only thing you need to understand about narcissism is that in almost all cases this personality pattern was there before you came into the narcissistic person’s life and it will be there after you leave.

It’s not you.

But he has often made light of her career, has called her sadness after a miscarriage “drama,” and has reactive tantrums if she asks him to help around the house, then criticizes her for wasting money when she hires a cleaner. He will often be quite dismissive of her desire to spend time with friends and family, calling her friends “parasites” and her family a “swamp of domestic boredom,” which deeply hurts her, and he is very selfish with his time.

Narcissism is the word of our time, and yet it’s deeply misunderstood.

Narcissism is an interpersonally maladaptive personality style that encompasses a wide spectrum of traits and behavioral patterns that present in different ways, from mild to severe, vulnerable to malignant. What separates a narcissistic person from someone who is self-centered or vain or entitled is the consistency and sheer number of these traits in one person. Just being superficial doesn’t mean someone is narcissistic. It is also looking at the function of these traits—which is to protect the narcissistic person.

Narcissism is about a deep insecurity and fragility offset by maneuvers like domination, manipulation, and gaslighting, which allow the narcissistic person to stay in control. The variable empathy and lack of self-awareness mean that they do not stop to consider the harm their behavior is creating for other people.

Narcissistic people need validation and admiration, and this need motivates much of their behavior. They seek out status, compliments, excessive recognition, and attention, and this may happen through ostentatious wealth, physical appearance, friends who fawn over them, or social media likes and follows. This validation from other people or the world at large, whatever form it takes, is called narcissistic supply. Their moods can turn rather dark, and they can become irritable, resentful, sullen, and aggrieved when they do not get the validation or supply they feel entitled to. Anyone around them must bring supply or face their wrath.

Narcissistic people are egocentric, but this goes beyond mere selfishness. It is selfishness with a devaluation chaser. For example, a selfish person will choose the restaurant they want, but a narcissistic person will choose the restaurant they want and tell you they had to do that because you are too dumb about food to choose one. In short, a narcissistic person’s needs will always come first in any relationship.

Delusional Grandiosity A defining characteristic of narcissism is grandiosity, which shows up as exaggerated beliefs about the person’s importance in the world, fantastical beliefs about ideal love stories and their current or future success, a sense of superiority over other people and of a uniqueness and specialness about themselves not observed in others. Grandiosity also means that the person believes they are better than others. It is “delusional” because for most narcissistic people, there is little to no evidence supporting any of these beliefs, and they hold on to them despite the discomfort or harm this stance is causing to other people.

The confusion comes from the narcissistic person going between charming, fun, and charismatic, or at least normal and regulated, to abusive, sullen, and enraged. Their self-appraisal is high when things are going their way, and when things are not, they blame the world and shift to viewing themselves as a victim. As a result, you can’t always anticipate which version of the narcissist you will be dealing with—the grandiose and cheerful one or the dejected, victimized, and angry one. Makes for a bit of a wild and uncomfortable ride.

Entitlement is a core pattern of narcissism, and one of the most problematic. Theories of narcissism suggest that entitlement may be the core pillar of this personality style and that all other dynamics tie back to it.[1] Narcissistic people believe that they are special, must be given special treatment, can only be truly understood by other special people, and that the rules should not apply to them. If rules are applied to them or they are held accountable, narcissistic folks become quite angry and push back because those rules are for ordinary people! If they have to follow the rules, then they aren’t so special. They feel entitled to doing and saying what they want, whenever they want. Their entitlement serves as a way for them to create a reality in which they can exert their specialness, and it drives their anger when they don’t feel they are being regarded as a VIP.

This takes us to the bedrock of narcissism, which is insecurity. Narcissism is not about high self-esteem or low self-esteem as much as it is about inaccurate, inflated, and variable self-appraisal. The narcissistic person always harbors a lurking sense of inadequacy that is close to the bone, since they are unable to reflect on what they sound like or how their behavior impacts others. This can be confusing—how could someone who seems so sure of themselves be so fragile? All of this narcissistic stuff—the grandiosity, entitlement, arrogance, charisma—is a defensive suit of armor designed to protect the narcissistic person, a sort of adult superhero cape they can tie around their fragile psyche.

Narcissistic folks can dish it out but they cannot take it. When you give them even the mildest critique or feedback, you must be prepared for rapid, rageful, and disproportionate reactions, and it can be doubly confusing because they will frequently retaliate by criticizing you in far harsher terms. This is often juxtaposed against their chronic need for reassurance: they will not ask for it, but despite their arrogant exteriors, it’s clear they need to be soothed and told that everything is going to be okay.

The dance between the narcissistic reactive sensitivity to feedback, their need for reassurance and chronic sense that they are a victim, and their shame and subsequent rage at having these vulnerabilities reminds us of the essence of narcissistic relationships: you can’t win.

Narcissistic people cannot manage their emotions. They don’t know how to express them because that would be too shameful and vulnerable, and so they cannot regulate them. The narcissistic person isn’t saying, “Hey, I am going to cover my insecurity with some grandstanding,” nor are they rubbing their hands together wondering, “How can I hurt you?” Their lashing out is unprocessed stuff, which is why even a mild critique or crisis can set off shame about their vulnerability or imperfection being on full display. These ego injuries then set off their rage and blame shifting, which allow them to reduce tension, maintain their grandiose facade, and feel safe. The lack of empathy and impulsivity mean that they can’t stop to catch themselves and consider how their lashing out may hurt you.

Narcissistic folks are motivated by dominance, status, control, power, and the desire to be special. Affiliation, intimacy, and closeness are not motivating for them. Thus they are always going to need to have the upper hand in any relationship. This means if your relationship motivation is deep emotional connection or intimacy, the two of you are dancing very different steps. Relationships exist largely for the narcissistic person’s benefit and pleasure. They aren’t interested in the give-and-take that a healthy relationship requires, or in the needs of others.

It’s not accurate to say narcissistic people are devoid of empathy. Their empathy is hollow and variable. Narcissistic people have cognitive empathy—they may understand what empathy is and why someone feels a certain way, and they may use it to get what they want. Once they get what they want, or they can’t be bothered, the empathy fades. Narcissistic empathy can also be performative—to look good to other people, to win someone over—and it can also be transactional, mustering it to get what they need from someone else. This can feel really galling because it shows you that they know that empathy is valued but they may only deploy it as a tactic.

Projection is also a common pattern in narcissism. It is a defense—which means it operates unconsciously to protect the ego—and manifests as a person projecting unacceptable aspects of themselves onto another person. For example, a person who is lying accuses another person of lying, then the “projector” gets to continue to view themselves as honest after psychologically flinging their bad behavior onto someone else. Narcissistic people project the shameful parts of their personalities and behavior onto others to maintain their grandiose ideal of themselves and to shelter themselves from the discomfort of shame. It can be confusing because the narcissist may accuse you of the hurtful things they themselves are doing (e.g., you are out together at a coffee shop and they accuse you, out of the blue, of flirting with the barista, but in reality the narcissistic person is the one cheating on you).

Narcissistic people are skilled shape-shifters and chameleons. They have an uncanny ability to camouflage themselves, get close, and then behave badly.

Most of us think of narcissism as a binary: either you are or you’re not. We can get caught up in the zeal and idea that if it is an either-or, then there is a way to identify narcissism clearly and steer away from people with these traits. But nothing in the world of psychology or mental health is that simple. The reality is that narcissism is on a continuum.

The moderate narcissist offers enough good days to keep you invested and enough bad days that hurt you and leave you utterly confused. Moderate narcissistic people have cognitive empathy, so they sometimes seem to “get it.” They are entitled and seek validation and have a cocky, but not menacing, arrogance. They are hypocritical and believe that there is one set of rules for them and another for everyone else. They often feel that they are the victim in situations that do not go their way. They do not take responsibility for their behavior and will shift blame onto others for anything that makes them look bad. They are deeply selfish and will choose what works for them to the detriment of you or anyone else.

Grandiose narcissism is the classical depiction of the narcissistic personality style.

The grandiosity is this narcissistic person’s suit of armor against deep-seated inadequacy and insecurity. They believe their hype to a seemingly delusional, albeit convincing, level, which can make it easy to get sucked in.

People with vulnerable narcissistic styles will attribute your success to good luck and their own lack of success to life being unfair to only them.

Typically, narcissistic people get their validation and other narcissistic needs by focusing on themselves (“I’m so rich/attractive/a great person/smart”). But the communal narcissistic folks get those same narcissistic needs met in a collective way, resulting in a grandiose identity based on what they do for others (“I’m so giving, I always put others first”). They participate in activities that seem generous, like raising money, volunteering, organizing fundraising galas, going on humanitarian trips, helping a neighbor, or even just proclaiming positivity on social media, but the behavior is designed to allow them to maintain a grandiose sense of themselves as a saintly person and to receive validation for that.[2] Their “do-gooding” can range from small-ticket actions, such as going to a beach cleanup (and making sure they post to Instagram when they do it), to much bigger ones, like creating large nonprofit foundations (but treating the staff horribly). Regardless of how they do their humanitarian deeds, they make sure the world knows how much good they are doing, drink up the praise and recognition they receive, and get indignant if it doesn’t come.

Communal narcissists also occupy spiritual and cult-y spaces where they can pontificate about self-improvement and positivity, such as religious, new age, or yoga communities where abuse and shame are used to control anyone who opposes the narrative or goes against the charismatic communal leader.

Self-righteous There is a right way and a wrong way, and I’m disgusted by the people who do not understand that. I work hard, I save my money, I maintain tradition, and I don’t have time or patience for people who cannot live in a responsible way. When I see people out there who say they are struggling, I know it’s because of their bad choices. It’s not my responsibility to help them out. If you can’t do it my way, then don’t waste my time with your problems. Figure it out.

Self-righteous narcissists are hypermoralistic, judgmental, coldly loyal, extremely rigid, and almost black-and-white in their worldview and belief systems. Their grandiosity is related to their almost delusional belief that they know better than everyone, and they truly believe that their opinions, work, and lifestyle are superior to others’. They imperiously stand above people and have contempt for them.

The reason I’m always in control is because people fear me, and I’m good with that. If anyone messes with me, I will make them and anyone around them regret it for the rest of their lives. If anyone gets in my way, or doesn’t give me what I want, I will make sure I get it.

Malignant narcissism represents the dark tetrad, which is the crossroads of narcissism, psychopathy, sadism, and Machiavellianism or the willingness to use and exploit other people.[3] The malignant narcissist is only differentiated from the psychopath in that the malignant narcissist still has that nagging insecurity and sense of inadequacy, which they compensate for through domination, while the psychopath doesn’t experience the anxiety we observe in narcissism. When they feel threatened or frustrated, the malignant narcissists’ vindictive rage can escalate and become noisy and bombastic, while the psychopathic person is able to remain calm and composed even when they are angry. There is an almost sadistic glee malignant narcissistic people derive from exacting revenge. They malign people publicly, or harm their reputations. They are highly manipulative, transactional, and judge everyone based on how useful they are—whether for power, profit, pleasure, or validation. In the simplest framing, the malignant narcissist is a bully: mean, menacing, unrelenting, and overpowering. This is the most dangerous form of narcissism—a sort of last stop on the personality train before it veers into psychopathy station. They have a willful disregard for your needs and safety and exploit and manipulate just about everyone. Their aggressiveness can be manifested physically through violence and abusive displays of anger, insults, and interpersonal cruelty. They have a heightened sense of s...

There has been backlash about using the term narcissist to describe people. People are using this word to describe jerks, politicians, celebrities, toxic family members, and ex-partners.

There is, however, a danger in overusing the term narcissism, not only because it might erroneously label someone, but because it loses its descriptive potency.

There is also the pervasive yet misleading idea that narcissism is a diagnosis or an illness.

The descriptor narcissism will reflect a personality style and not a clinical diagnosis.

Arrogance is pretentious superiority.

All narcissistic people are arrogant, but the narcissistic person isn’t content to just believe they are better than everyone else—they generally also have to leave the other person feeling “less than” through contemptuous dismissal and criticism or snobbery and confused through manipulation and gaslighting.

Arrogance is tripping the person; narcissism is laughing at them when they fall.

Unlike people who have personality styles that are more uniformly dysregulated and will yell at you in front of your friends, clients, and strangers alike, narcissistic people tend to be much more tactical and less disorganized. Narcissistic people know what looks good and bad, and how to choose their audience to maintain a public image while privately using those closest to them as punching bags and pacifiers.

Are you introverted? If you are, could you morph into wanting to go out four nights a week and spend lots of time in big groups?