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Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. ELIE WIESEL
Instead, our work became about teaching them what constitutes acceptable and unacceptable behavior and what healthy relationships are about, while creating a safe space for them to explore their feelings, these relationships, and their true selves.
this personality pattern was there before
you came into the narcissistic person’s life and it will be there after you leave.
who is manipulating you and negating your existence as a person?
To learn that understanding narcissism doesn’t mean you have to leave or end contact with people you have complicated relationships with, but instead that you can interact with them differently.
A friend who is forever a victim and drones on endlessly about what’s going on in their life with little interest in yours but who has been in your life since you were thirteen.
It’s like the aphorism “Never wrestle with a pig—you end up dirty, and the pig likes it.”
The harm of love bombing is that it gives you the ammunition for the justifications you make when the relationship becomes unhealthy.
You may call the narcissistic people out on their behavior or argue with them about taking responsibility.
During this phase you may spend more time ruminating about what is happening in the relationship, playing the narcissist’s words over in your head and justifying their behavior.
You may also try to change yourself to make the relationship work, largely by appeasing the narcissistic person, detaching from your own needs, and giving in.
Dissociating through numbing (e.g., mentally checking out, overworking, engaging in unhealthy behaviors)
It’s time to talk about recovery, healing, growth, and thriving.
We delight in the beauty of the butterfly but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty. MAYA ANGELOU
What does healing mean to you? You may believe that healing would mean being at peace; no longer doubting or blaming yourself; not ruminating; feeling whole; trusting your instincts; and forgiving yourself. You want the narcissist to be held accountable, to be unmasked, to take responsibility for what they did, and you may feel that to heal, you need justice.
Healing means being kind to yourself, even when you get hoovered back in or burned after giving the narcissistic person a second chance.
It is about radical acceptance and living with the painful realization that narcissistic patterns do not change.
It is about no longer blaming yourself and wondering if you are enough. It is about finding meaning and purpose and learning to breathe after years or a lifetime of walking a tightrope of appeasing and validating them while censoring yourself.
Healing is an active process.
Narcissistic people are noisy storytellers, and they tend to infect you with their limiting narratives for you. Ultimately, healing is about taking yourself back, revising the stories you were told, and rewriting them on your own terms.
You find the silver linings, turn lemons into lemonade, and see those half-full glasses. You genuinely believe everyone has potential and anyone can change. You believe in fairness, justice, and everything working out. You may also believe that if you just give someone another chance, then maybe they will change. But if you are very optimistic and positive, it can be challenging to get your head around the idea that narcissistic people don’t change.
This played upon her inner rescuer and her sense of empathy, and she may have been addressing her core wounds by being there for him.
It’s quite likely she didn’t take note of how unhealthy his behavior was because it had become so normalized for her, and this may have not only made her less discerning in the beginning, but also kept her stuck because it was so familiar.
However, you may also thrive. You may be quite good at boundaries, have good instincts, and be able to see unhealthy situations, step back, and not engage. If your family discards you at the behest of the narcissistic parent, there can be tremendous grief, which is when therapy to manage these feelings as well as cultivating healthier sources of social support (a “chosen family”) becomes essential. You have a gift. Value your ability to see toxic patterns and act accordingly.
first time something happens is a blip, the second time is a coincidence, the third time is a pattern. That rule of three can allow you to give someone a chance and then give yourself permission to recognize and step back when something is revealed to be a problematic pattern.
Pay attention to how you feel after you spend time with narcissistic people in your life—emotionally, mentally, physically, even energetically.
Do the same after you spend time with healthy people. After time with a healthy person, you may find that you feel energized, inspired, happy, and clearheaded. After time with a narcissistic person, how do you feel? My guess is fatigued, frustrated, disgusted, or angry.
Discernment doesn’t mean that you have to run away from people, either; it may mean you just take a few steps back and continue to monitor how you feel.
If being forgiving is who you are, then pay attention to whether your forgiveness leads the relationship to grow and the behavior to change or whether you keep pardoning the same sins and errors. If someone keeps behaving badly and you keep forgiving them, then bring discernment into your forgiveness cycle.
(e.g., justifying narcissistic behavior on the basis that you are always being too sensitive).
This is part of your process of identifying that your experience in this narcissistic relationship wasn’t you just passively going along but actively surviving.
Healing doesn’t mean that all narcissistic relationships magically fade from your life. Instead, healing means that you continue the process of growing yourself outside of these narrowly defined toxic spaces while preparing for the other narcissistic and manipulative people you will inevitably meet as you move forward.
Growth and individuation mean facing the core of healing from narcissistic abuse, and that is radical acceptance.
Despite the charm, flattery, promises, and false reassurance, the narcissistic person will not change, and they will sting you.
Acceptance doesn’t mean you are a doormat. Radical acceptance is acknowledging the reality of the narcissistic relationship landscape and, above all else, that their behavior is not going to change. Radical acceptance gives you permission to heal, because you stop channeling your energy into trying to fix the relationship and instead focus on moving yourself forward.
There is grief in having to accept that your relationship cannot improve, that there will be no phoenix rising from the ashes, and that the narcissistic person will never really attempt to see and understand you.
Healing is a difficult enough journey as it is, and healing in the absence of radical acceptance is like trying to walk on a broken leg the day after you broke it.
However, radical acceptance is not a magic pill—you also need to accept that even if you do radically accept that they won’t change, their ongoing hurtful behavior, even if you are prepared for it, still hurts.
but rather that you knew it was coming, and you get better at being prepared for it and experiencing your feelings about their behavior without judgment.
Finally, radical acceptance is critical because it allows you to stop framing your assessment of your life based on how things are going in this relationship. Once you accept that the unhealthy patterns in the relationship are a constant, you can shift your focus to you and the people and activities that matter to you. The day you stop waiting for the narcissistic situation to change is the day you take back the psychological resources and time that you expended on hope, avoidance, trying to make sense of it, and trying to change yourself to make it work.
Radical acceptance does not mean you have to end the relationship; it simply means you must see it for what it is.
When a day comes when they are bringing the charm, charisma, and some performative empathy, enjoy it for the sunny day it is, but don’t burn your umbrellas—it will soon rain again.
It’s the knowing without the engaging.
Realistic expectations mean knowing what will happen if you try to engage or wait for a different outcome. Radical acceptance is living it.
“Okay, the narcissistic person isn’t going to change.”
They read it and either respond with an obscene emoji, send an eviscerating and scathing response, or gaslight you (again).
taking fishing trips,
But trying to fight rumination is like trying to sidestep gravity.
First, go through your list of contacts in your phone—and this is going to sound a little childish—and put a little symbol or emoji next to the names of the people who aren’t good for you.
