It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

Your mere presence, without you even saying a word, may evoke shame in the narcissistic parent. Maybe you dropped a zinger like “Mom doesn’t like it when people don’t think she is smart,” and it quickly made you into a scapegoat. While the narcissistic parent will often attempt to silence your truth telling, they can’t stop you from seeing what is happening.

As a psychologist, I struggle to balance how I talk about the importance of knowing your backstory, vulnerabilities, and past family roles while ensuring that I don’t prop up a narrative that places the responsibility solely on the survivor—for example, that you got into a narcissistic relationship because you are a fixer. This is why we must also understand how people, families, and society at large enable narcissism and magnify our vulnerabilities and self-doubt.

the first time something happens is a blip, the second time is a coincidence, the third time is a pattern.

Although he managed one hundred team members, there were three people who took more time, effort, and energy than the other ninety-seven. Because of the hassles raised by these three, he was burned out, anxious, distracted, and exhausted.

workarounds are more work but less anguish;

The vast majority of us stay in at least one narcissistic relationship.

Some folks will share that the abuse got so much worse after a relationship ended that they almost wanted to go back in just to make it stop.

Maybe the narcissistic person in your life would throw a tantrum when you would cook with garlic, or they refused to watch films with subtitles, or they made fun of you for wanting to make crafts during the holidays, or they berated you for having soda in the refrigerator.

When Clare developed cancer a few years later, she told Maria it was caused by the stress of having an ungrateful daughter.

there is no second attempt at childhood.

relieved after the death of a narcissistic person, and that relief brought a cascade of emotions, especially guilt, shame, and even the sense that they were a bad person for having those feelings.

Dates such as actual anniversaries, birthdays, and relationship milestones can be unsettling and heartbreaking, and can magnify your process of grief. Attending events such as weddings or other gatherings where people from your past will be assembled may also be taxing. Be prepared for those days. You may deliberately plan alternate activities, spend time with friends, take a quiet day by yourself, or build in rest on the back end of these days.

A core belief for you may be that life is fair, so when these relationships repeatedly show that it is not, it can be unsettling and uncomfortable.

Healing in the absence of justice is difficult.

If you have been or are currently in a narcissistic relationship, you have been told how you feel, whether you are hungry or not, or even that “You can’t be cold, this room is warm enough.”

The freeze response may have been something that happened to you during childhood if you had a particularly rageful narcissistic parent and flight or fight weren’t possible (which they often are not). The freeze response can foster shame and self-blame, because you may feel as if you are partially responsible, have let yourself or others down, or are foolish or weak for not responding.

Enduring narcissistic abuse, especially during childhood, means feeling on edge most of the time. You may live in a state of chronic tension, waiting for the narcissistic person’s explosive rage, manipulation, or threats of abandonment.

the jingle of the narcissistic person’s keys as they came to the door, they would have a series of physical reactions.

our SNS responses reflect our histories.

It is not useful to approach someone experiencing narcissistic abuse and tell them that the person who is the source of their pain is narcissistic. It’s not that simple and can often result in someone who doesn’t understand what narcissism is becoming defensive and justifying their relationship even more.

The more contact you have with a narcissistic person, the worse you feel.

Joy has to be on the narcissistic person’s terms, and if they are having a bad day, so is everyone else.

Watch how they treat other people (and don’t justify it).

Healing means not judging your feelings.

It’s about figuring out what you are comfortable with and setting limits in a relationship accordingly—and after years of enduring narcissistic abuse, you may not even be sure what is okay anymore.

They may push harder, bait you more, and multiply their insults. You will likely hear things like “What are you doing? You think you’re too good to talk to me now? What, are you in therapy now? Did your therapist tell you to be like that?”

Don’t personalize. This can feel tough to abide by because the narcissistic person’s behavior feels personal—and it is personal, because you are hurt and having real emotions. Many people think, Maybe it is something about me, that is why they are treating me like this. But remember: it’s not you! You aren’t the only one the narcissistic person is treating this way,

Healing while staying requires caring less about what happens to them.

If you stay or have ongoing contact with a narcissistic person in your life, therapy is crucial.

Luna found herself stuck between a fantasy of wanting to prove her father wrong and shut down his minimization and mockery, while simultaneously believing that she was a mediocrity who was ridiculous for wanting to strive for more.

The final steps to healing from a narcissistic relationship require recognizing that so much of your perception of yourself has been warped by the perspective of the narcissistic person, as if they made you wear a pair of distorted eyeglasses, and you now need to learn to see yourself without them.

Evolving past narcissistic abuse means owning and stating needs clearly without entangling them into the confusion of the relationship. Instead of “I want to be a mother, and I will show my mother how it’s done because she was so bad at it and messed me up,” we connect with our wants, separate from how the narcissistic person saw us or what they did, and simply say, “I want to be a mother.”

Reflect on How You Felt Instead of What Happened If you tell your story enough, over time it can be easy to get separated from the emotions. As a therapist, I believe the stories are the “B-side” of a therapy session—the most important part is how a client felt in the moment and feels now.

Hold space for you, the person who was confused, hurt, gaslighted, devalued, and still managed to have the strength to get out, or got through school, or survived a painful breakup. Denying your history, story, and yourself can mean you remain self-judgmental and fractured. Have compassion for all of you.

Remember that the world needs you—your true, whole, authentic you—so please don’t hold back.