It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

abuse is about domination, which counterbalances the inadequacy and insecurity that are at the core of the narcissistic personality. Needing to control schedules, appearances, financial decisions, and the narrative is a classical part of narcissistic behavior. Their control may also feel spiteful and simply serves as a way to show you that they are in charge. This may happen when a narcissistic person refuses to go to an event that matters to you, which may mean that you don’t get to go, either. They will use money to control you; for example, by paying your rent in order to keep you living nearby, or offering to pay a family member’s medical bills so you then feel silenced and indebted. The control extends to isolation. Narcissistic abuse often consists of the narcissistic person criticizing your family, friends, and workplace, and when you are with those people, the narcissist will behave in a manner that is insulting and rude. A narcissistic person may also tell you falsehoods about people close to you so you question their loyalty and friendship. The result is that you slowly have less contact with people you care about, or those people just no longer come around. The more isolated you become, the easier it is to control you. Revenge and vindication are another common feature of narcissistic abuse, and narcissistic people can be tenacious.