It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

narcissistic

person

n...

control, domi...

p...

admir...

and

valid...

narcissistic abuse may feel like being taken for granted

chronically

disappo...

wi...

viol...

exploit...

stal...

coe...

contr...

Rather,

they’re dealing with moderate narcissistic abuse: systematic invalidation, minimization, manipulation, rage, betrayal, and gaslighting with periods of “normal”

and “good” thrown into the mix. To the world your relationship may look fine, while you live in a con...

tactics, strategies, and behavioral go-tos that a narcissistic person uses to get their narci...

Gaslighting

isn’t

disagre...

lying. Anyone who has ever tried to show a gaslig...

mes...

video footage, knows that it doesn’t lead the narcissistic person to take responsibility. Ins...

they

may twist the situation by making it a reality smackdown. “Well, maybe that’s your reality,” they might say, even when you are holding the signed document or the email that undermines what they are saying.

Ultimately,

for a narcissistic relationship to last, you must submit to their reality. When the narcissistic person implies that your desire to be acknowledged within the relationship means that you really don’t want it, you may stand down, put the evidence away, and give in to keep the relationship

af...

An...

framework for more wholly understanding gaslighting comes from Dr. Jennifer Freyd, a renowned psychologist best known for her work on betrayal. She conceptualized the DARVO model to explain the response any abuser, but certainly a gaslighter, will engage in when confronted about their behavior. DARVO stands for deny (the behavior), attack (the person confronting them about the behavior), and reverse victim and offender (the gaslighter positions themselves as a victim—e.g., “Everyone is out to get me”—and the other person as the abuser—e.g., “You are always coming at me and criticizing me”).[3] DARVO is a punctuation mark to gaslighting, and it helps ...

SIGNS YOU MAY BE BEING GASLIGHTED Feeling the need to send long explanatory emails or text messages to the gaslighter. Providing an “evidentiary base” for feelings (e.g., showing them old text messages).

Recording conversations either overtly or secretively so you have proof of what they said. Being overreliant on other people’s feedback to determine how you are feeling. Giving long preludes before you say something. Feeling compelled to put all communication in writing as “proof.” Giving in and going along to get along. The DIMMER Patterns Dismissiveness, invalidation, minimization, manipulation, exploitativeness, and rage These are specific behavioral patterns that encompass the devaluation you experience in narcissistic relationships. I use the acronym DIMMER to describe this set of patterns because the narcissistic relationship can be viewed as a switch that dims your sense of self and well-being. To be in a narcissistic relationship is to have your needs, feelings, beliefs, experiences, thoughts, hopes, and even sense of self be dismissed and invalidated.

may

be

as

simple as the narcissistic person not listening or contemptuously dismissing something you say (“That’s just ridiculous, nobody cares about what you are saying”). Over time this can feel dehumanizing because anything you bring up is written off as unimportant or is simply not attended to, and it can slowly feel like you do not exist. The experience of dismissiveness and invalidation can occur gradually, and what initially may feel like a difference of opinion can evolve into a large-scale brush-off. Dismissiveness often foreshadows contempt and an absolute disregard and disdain for you and anything that matters to you. Invalidation is not being seen, felt, heard, or experienced. Where the dismissiveness is a brush-off, invalidation is a negation. Dismissiveness is ignoring a concern or need you may be having; invalidation is having your needs chronically shamed and denied (“Don’t be a baby and make me waste a day sitting at your doctor’s appointments, I can’t change your disease by sitting there, and I can’t stand hospitals”). Ov...

not...

but when you w...

Minimization

is

when the narcissistic person plays down your experience to the point where they might outright deny it. Narcissistic abuse often entails having your feelings minimized with statements such as “It’s not that big a deal” or “I don’t understand why something so small is bothering you.” It’s a minimization not only of your feelings and experience but also of your achievements, for example, trivializing a promotion you received or the difficulty of completing your degree at school. There is a hypocrisy to the minimization: when something happens to the narcissistic person, they feel entitled to it being as big an issue or feeling as they want, but they will diminish the same experience in you. Minimization may even put you in harm’s way, particularly when narcissistic people minimize your health concerns, which may result in a delay in getting support or treatment. Narcissistic people use manipulation to control or influence you to ac...

anxiety, or fear...

Exploitativeness

refers to the process of taking unfair advantage of another person. It involves playing on existing vulnerabilities or creating vulnerabilities, such as isolating you or making you financially dependent, and taking advantage of that situation. It may also mean taking advantage of the money, people, and other resources you brought to a relationship. Narcissistic people may imply that you “owe” them something, with parents even implying you “owe” them because they fed and housed you. The exploitativeness means that there will be a psychological debt that is created if you ever accept a favor, and in the future if you feel uncomfortable with something the narcissistic person is asking of you, they will remind you of what they have done for you in the past. The narcissistic person’s rage may be the most frightening aspect of narcissistic

Narcis...

p...