False Start (Straight No Chaser, #1)

by Casey Hagen

With no plan B, your mother told you this was another adventure. New places. New people. She told you that you’d love a new school. You’d have a blast making new friends. But really, your stomach gnawed on itself in the dark while you tried to keep yourself from throwing up the generic SpaghettiOs you had three hours before. You forced a smile. You pretended to be asleep so you didn’t have to lie about being excited. When really, you were one mile closer to the unknown and one mile farther from that little girl who thought she might have finally convinced her mom to let you sleep over. The girl you didn’t dare tell your mom about until you knew for sure. The girl who didn’t matter now, because you’d never see her again. My heart raced in my chest. A wave of dizziness cascaded through me.

I’d never said a bad word about my mother. I’d never confessed to anyone how many times she broke my heart. I loved her so damn much. Even after all these years without her, the thought of saying anything that stained her memory cut me to the core. So I smiled, and I buried it. And I focused on what I had the power to change. Right now, that meant saving the program for the kids. For Rylee. “Yeah, I’m good. Just tired.”

pompadours

My amusement at her climbing clean up on the counter swept away by an avalanche of bitterness for what they asked of me even without saying the words. The bitterness of what I couldn’t give them. But damn, I wanted to. Too much.

I jabbed a finger in the direction of the bar. “Get your ass inside.” She skidded to a stop, propped her hands on her hips, and arched an eyebrow. I knew that look. Every man on the planet knew that look and all the variations whether it be aimed with stunning precision at them from a girlfriend, a sister, a mother, or a grandmother. “Excuse me?” “You don’t have a jacket,” I said, marching back to her, my hands curled into fists because fuck if I didn’t want to haul her ass off somewhere warm and private. Only I couldn’t trust myself alone with her. Warm and private meant giving in and tearing off every last shred of clothing so I could fuck her until neither of us could stand.

Better to hurt her now before the stakes got higher. Before feelings got involved. Look at me pretending like they hadn’t already. We’d been nothing but feelings since our eyes met during her bout. We’d been adding good old-fashioned dry logs to that flame ever since, building the kind of heat that didn’t flash and die, but simmered, building a base of coals so damn hot it reached into the shadowed recesses of our lives.

“Goddammit.” I yanked my jacket off, wrapped it around her, and held it together so she couldn’t shrug it off. “I’ll walk you home. Which way?”

“You damn well know why not.” I growled. There was no way she didn’t know. And the fact that she did made it damn near impossible to look her in the eye at times. “You didn’t do it,” she said quietly. “What they say about you. You didn’t do it.” The calm confidence of her words only fueled a dormant rage, now burgeoning inside me again since waking up the minute I rolled into Galloway Bay. I wouldn’t stand here while she looked at me with softness, caring, the hushed tone of her voice reverent, like I was some kind of hero. Not when all I had was a legacy of mistakes that brought others pain.

“I won’t leave you alone until you agree.” I rubbed the back of my neck, doing anything I could to keep myself from reaching for her. I still didn’t know if I put my hands on her if I’d throttle her or kiss her. I was equally worried about both. “You haven’t left me alone for a single second since I saw you on that track a week ago.” “I need you to train us. Please,” she said, the plea in her voice softer, more desperate. “I can’t.” “Why not?” “My sister has always dreamed of living here. Raising her family at the farm. If this goes bad, they pay the price.” “What if it doesn’t go bad? Did you ever think about that?” “It always goes bad. If you knew me, you’d know that. But you don’t know me, Mayhem. One afternoon at a roller rink doesn’t change that.” Fire snapped in her eyes. “So, what about that? What about the kids you met today? My family,” she said, jabbing a thumb into her chest. “What happens to them when they lose the one safe place they have? How are you going to feel when that happens and you had the power to help them, but you were too damn scared to do anything about it?” Every word grew more and more raw until her voice broke. “I’m not scared.” “The fuck you’re not,” she snapped.

“You and that foul mouth. Someone should have done something about that a long time ago.”

How the hell was I supposed to say no to her? To this woman who loved those kids. A woman who couldn’t bear to throw away a frayed green shoelace because it was the last connection she had to her mother.

She raised her chin even more, despite my hold. Slim fingers wrapped around my wrist, drew my hand down, until my hand settled at her throat. Her warm, soft, tempting throat. “Show me someone strong enough to.” My fingers flexed, squeezing the column of her slim, inked neck. Defiance flamed in her eyes, and I wondered how far she’d let me go. She fucked with my head. She fucked with my heart. She fucked with everything I believed about myself. Everything I needed to believe ab...

“No witnesses. See? I called it, you’re scared,” she panted out. Fire glittered in her eyes, the breathless words sliding from her lips taunting me, despite the power I wielded with the hold I had on her. “Shut up.” I backed her up to the wall, with my hand locked on the vulnerable spot where her neck met her jaw. Her blood pumped heavy under her delicate skin, her rapid pulse fluttering under my pinky. “Make me.” Oh how she gleefully taunted me, judging by the smirk on those bare, pink lips. She instinctively knew which buttons to push, and she did so without hesitation. Without an ounce of self-preservation. The brazen little shit. I crushed my mouth to hers, the kiss every bit as raw and punishing as it was seductive. I plundered the warm places behind those sharp teeth I wanted her to sink into me.

I took and took, stealing her breath for my own, exploiting her willing mouth. I needed her to steal it back. To be selfish. To push me away. Anything. As long as she didn’t give. Don’t give one damn part of yourself to me.

“You want a confession, Mayhem?” I said as I tore my mouth from hers, my lungs heaving as I dragged my lips along the curve of her jaw, to the soft spot just behind her ear. “Yeah, I’m scared,” I admitted, biting the soft flesh of her neck, making her hiss. “Of this.” I licked her skin, memorizing her taste, making her gasp. “Of you.” I dragged my teeth over the rise of her collarbone, the sound of her jagged breath echoing in my head. “Of me.” Dragging her sweater lower, I pressed a series of hot kisses over the curve of her shoulder, her fingernails carving into my skin as she sank her fingertips deeper into my flesh. “Of what this thing between us will unleash,” I said as I returned to her wet mouth. Her eyes fluttered closed, and I swallowed the moan that slipped from her lips.

As I handed her the power to my surrender, praying she wouldn’t use it against me. “I need you,” she confessed in a broken whisper against my mouth. “Please. These kids won’t have anywhere to go. I won’t have anywhere left to go.” She tore her mouth away and dropped her forehead to my chest, her words muffled, but no less desolate. “Don’t you get it? Crossroads saved me when my mom died. It still saves me in a town where I have no roots. No family. Nothing of my own. And nowhere in this world to go.” Her words twisted into my heart and echoed there. There was no way out. No right choice. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. “Dammit,” I said quietly as I wrapped my arms around her to keep her warm. To keep me warm. To hold on as our lives collided and everything spiraled out of control. Pressing my lips to the top of her head, my heart slammed against my ribs—not with the lust building between us that finally bubbled over, but with dread. Cold, sharp barbs hooking into tender flesh dread.

“If you’re not the enemy and we’re not friends…what is this?” I laughed, the sound completely devoid of any humor as a lump of fear lodged in my chest right by the part of my heart she’d managed to grip in her tight little fist without knowing it. I brushed her lips with mine, lingering there, not knowing when I’d have her in my arms again. If I’d have her in my arms again. I found her lust-filled eyes and held her unfocused stare. “Post-apocalyptic Galloway Bay in the making. Without a doubt.”

Two days had passed since that night at Banked Track. Since the kiss I could still taste even now. Since I caved. I caved so fucking hard.

I’d become the bastard they hated to need. They’d resist. They’d challenge me. I would break down their defiance until they complied. Then I’d build them back up. That was the only choice with the little time we had.

interlopers.

Their competitors would be downright merciless. But they would also dismiss them. I was counting on it. Their mistake would be the key to a shot at victory. They’d never expect a flat track team to skate into a banked track exhibition and have a chance.

I had attitudes to curb. I had personal weaknesses to hammer out. And a love triangle. A first for me. Only I would end up dealing with a love triangle as one of the three.

She knocked me right on my keister from day one, son. Day one. I never even knew what hit me; I just knew I wanted it to hit me again. Yeah. That sounded about right. Mayhem. She’d done the same to me. And here I was, working on a track for her. Just like my grandfather.

She had a goal, and all I brought to the table was endless scrutiny. And I wouldn’t throw Lana under the bus to save myself. She’d paid plenty already. My silence was the final nail in my own coffin. Happy endings were for everyone else.

Lilith started to wander in after a while. She never got on the track herself. She wasn't into roller-skating, the way we were, but she loved to watch, to play music, and God could the girl cheer. Even when I didn’t deserve it.

For just a second, I saw that young girl. The one who’d been hurt over and over by my mistakes. The one who’d learned to laugh and cheer again despite them. I wondered what she saw when she looked at me.

“There are kids involved.” “And a woman from what I hear.” “Fourteen of them,” I said without looking at her as I dropped another bolt in the bucket. “Galloway Bay is only talking about one of them, though.” “Galloway Bay needs to mind its own business.” “They are.” “Yeah? How’s that?” I crouched under the track to slide in another bolt. I squinted up at her as sweat trickled in my eye. “By gossiping about her or by running their mouths about me?”

“Is it really worth the pain?” “Pain’s kept me company for how long now? I’ll be fine.” She crouched down next to me, wincing as she settled in. Just like that, I felt like an asshole for climbing under here. “Not your pain…hers.”

“Word around town is Beautifully Brutal is training to save Crossroads,” Tilly said from the door. “I want in.”

I just wanted to lay here after my shift and bask in the Christmas lights from the two-foot tree on my end table. I wanted to shove my face so deep in their glow I’d need sunglasses and SPF50. Was that too damn much to ask?

I didn’t point that part out just yet. I decided to vent my doses of reality to my team in manageable nuggets. They were already on edge. Even the people who’d readily agreed to Priest’s involvement were fidgeting like they were fifteen again, storing contraband in the form of a half-naked varsity football player in their closet, sporting 100% activated boy peen.

What was it like to have this connection to a place? To people? To a town? To have generations of family, traditions, and memories to cherish when life kicked you in the tits? And once you had it, how the hell did you ever walk away?

I gulped back an embarrassing wave of longing and tightened my hands on the wheel.

“You’re Maisy,” she said. No question and not quite accusation. But salty. “And you’re Lilith.” “Cain’s sister, yes.” Ahhhh, gotcha. You’re something to him, I’m nothing to him, and this is you letting me know where we stand when it comes to YOUR brother. Got it.

Outsider. Always an outsider. I might have been an outsider, but then…so was he.

He hadn’t cared that I stood there on the sidewalk with no jacket. He cared that I’d found a crack to burrow into. A weak spot in that aloof armor he’d clutched for a decade. And he hated that he couldn’t run. This was what he wouldn’t let others see. But it lingered behind the shimmering threadbare parts of his defense. If you turned to him fast enough, caught him off guard for just a split second—you could spot the turmoil simmering below the surface.

He raced around the banked track, his mask gone, a mountain of complications revealed. I should have turned away and given him his privacy in this moment. Or at the very least, announced my presence. But I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the mysteries swirling around him. Taunting and unfinished, as though they ached to murmur truths he refused to let slip past his lips. They wanted to be set free. This track was his confidant, the outlet for his pain, and—his lover. He might have abandoned it over time, but he always came back. They had secrets, the two of them. Secrets they whispered between one another with every glide of his skates over the Masonite, and I was the outsider here too. This was more than agreeing to help a youth center survive. This was so much more than acting on mutual attraction. These were living, breathing wounds he struggled against. There was safety in the familiar, even if it brought you excruciating pain.

I shrugged like I didn’t care what she thought of me, but I did. More than I wanted to. But only because of him.

Confidence—the fickle fucker—abandoned me, and the words came out as little more than a croak.

“Mayhem, the Red Sox making it to the World Series is great. Grilling the ribeye to medium rare every single time, also great. But that kiss”—he stared at my mouth while he bit his bottom lip. It snapped black slowly, glistening now from where he brushed it with his tongue—“was enough to make me forget my past while daring me to rewrite the future fate carved out for me a long damn time ago.”

“I’ve never kissed anyone in this barn.” Because this barn is your sanctuary and the track—your lover.

There was no point in going down this road with Mayhem because I had a job waiting in Boston. And she had the world to save. I wouldn’t stay. And I wouldn’t ask her to leave.

Good. My girl was up for the challenge. I froze. Not mine. She couldn’t be mine. Christ.

I just had to harness it. Make that determination impenetrable. I had to stack her against her biggest weakness. And she might just hate me for it.

No more riding this whole life is just too full right now and I’m not looking for anything serious, but it’s been fun excuse. I needed to make it abundantly clear that while I love her, I just didn’t think in the end either of us would be happy.

“She,” Priest said, his unyielding gaze on mine, “is your fifteenth player.”

My stomach ached; a band squeezed my chest like a vise—everything hurt. Body…and heart. He’d found the one part of me that just wouldn’t heal no matter what, and he’d poured acid into it. I blinked back tears, grateful for the sweat burning my eyes to hide the way he cut me deep. I wouldn’t let him have that power over me. It was bad enough I let Tilly.

Here I stood, paralyzed with betrayal, with my team defending me. I never realized we’d arrived at this place where they saw me as weak, too weak to speak up for myself. I thought this was between me and Eve. Maybe not. Maybe what was going on between Eve and me had bled onto the team as a whole. We had work to do to change the dynamic—and very little time to do it. To start, I needed to defend myself. Just not like this. Not in some dressing down in front of everyone. “Guys…stop.” When their chatter died down, but didn’t stop completely, I raised my voice. “Just stop!” My voice almost broke—almost. And the way Priest cut a glance at me made me think he heard it.

Ass kisser. But then, she’d always been. It wasn’t how she behaved when everyone was looking. It was the words she’d sharpened and delivered on her cruel tongue when no one else was listening that had been the problem.

“No warnings. You know the rules, you know what I expect. No second chances.” His mouth had thinned into a hard, angry line. His eyes narrowed, irritability in the set of his rigid shoulders. A complete one eighty from how he dealt with us even in the beginning when Eve pushed his boundaries. Maybe he wasn’t as comfortable with this addition as he let us all believe. Or maybe he was one hell of an actor.