Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship

by Stan Tatkin

The ninth principle in this book is that partners can rekindle their love at any time through eye contact. You do this by calling on your and your partner’s primitives and ambassadors to intentionally engage in the same ways as when you were first enamored. This may sound deceptively simple, yet the results can be profound. What you are doing is tantamount to short-circuiting your brain’s predisposition to war. If you haven’t already attempted to rewire in this way, I suggest you reserve judgment until you have given it a fair try. In the meantime, here are some supporting principles to guide you: Don’t be shy. Some people are naturally bashful when it comes to someone—even a loved one—looking freely into their eyes. This is especially true of islands, but some anchors and waves also are unaccustomed to extensive eye contact. I encourage you to push your limits with this. At the same time, allow yourselves to ease into it if one or both of you feels shy. If the discomfort persists, investigate what is keeping you from feeling safe and secure with each other. Vary your approach. I stress eye contact because of its great potential to rekindle love. But the other near senses are powerful, as well. You may want to turn the I See You exercise into I Touch You, or even try it with the senses of smell and taste. Don’t wait. If you wait to try rekindling love through eye contact until a fight has erupted with your partner, it may be too late, at least for that instance. You want t...