Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship

by Stan Tatkin

The sixth principle in this book is that partners should serve as the primary go-to people for one another. I have observed that partners who create and maintain a tether to one another experience more personal safety and security, have more energy, take more risks, and experience overall less stress than couples who do not. When you commit to serving as a go-to person for your partner, you open the door for your partner to do the same for you. Then you both can enjoy free and unencumbered access to one another in terms of time and of mind. In this way, you build synergy in your relationship, such that you are able to operate together in ways that are greater than if you each lived as essentially separate individuals. If you recall, this notion of “two can be better than one” was our descriptor of an anchor in Chapter 3. Our sample anchor couple, Mary and Pierce, acted as go-to people for each other and explicitly stated that they could tell each other everything. Similarly, by agreeing to become go-to people for each other, you and your partner can take a giant step toward ensuring that you become anchors for one another. Here are some supporting principles to guide you: Make a formal agreement to be available to each other 24/7. Couples often find that formally stating their agreement gives it added oomph. It is easier to hold to an agreement later, in the heat of the moment, when it has been explicitly made and both of you have bought in. This also gives you a chance to...