Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship

by Stan Tatkin

The parts of the human brain that specialize in survival have been around for a long time—actually, since the dawn of our species. I like to call these warring parts our “primitives.” You can think of your primitives as your beasts within. The primitives operate without your permission. They are first in the chain of command with respect to survival reflexes, and function to trump all your other needs and wants. They are agents of war (fighting and running away) and defeat (surrendering and playing dead). Fortunately for us, we also have a more evolved, social part of our brain. In contrast to our warring brain, this functions as our loving brain. We can legitimately say it has been wired for love. I like to think of this part of the brain as the “ambassadors.” Unlike the primitives, the ambassadors interact with other brains in a refined, civilized manner. You can think of your ambassadors as your diplomats within. In reality, some of our primitives function as ambassadors at times, and some of our ambassadors have primitive functions, as well. But for our purposes in understanding couple behavior, it is useful to oversimplify a bit and view them as opposing camps.