Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship

by Stan Tatkin

When I say 24/7, I mean it literally. Each partner must enjoy a 24/7 hotline to the other. In other words, if one partner wants to call the other in the middle of the day simply to report an itch on the nose, his or her partner is expected to answer cheerfully—as in “It’s great to hear from you!” This privilege can be enjoyed by both partners at any time. So, for example, if you are my partner, and we’re in bed, and I can’t sleep because I’m anxious about the day, I can wake you up, and you will be there to help me without any feeling of resentment. Why? Because I must do the very same for you, if not in that situation, then in other circumstances when it likely will be inconvenient for me. That is our agreement. It is our assurance to one another that we aren’t alone, that we have a tether to one another. We do this for each other because we want to. We do it because we can. And because we appreciate how loved and secure it makes us feel. We wouldn’t ask it of anyone else, and nobody else would want to do it for us. Now, does this mean everybody should expect to be able to instantly contact his or her partner each and every time? Of course not. If you have that itch on your nose and your partner is high over the Atlantic on a business trip, you’re unlikely to phone the airline. However, the point is that couples should feel secure in knowing they can reach out to their partner at any time, anywhere, and their partner will be receptive. Moreover, this availability works bo...