Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship

by Stan Tatkin

The fifth principle of this book is that partners with busy lives should create and use bedtime and morning rituals, as well as reunion rituals, to stay connected. As I’ve stated, this book is less about helping yourself and more about helping your partner. Of course, in a truly mutual relationship, your needs will be met, as well, because both of you will take care of one another. However, the burden for finding opportunities to take care of your partner rests upon you. Two such opportunities are available each day: one at bedtime and the other upon rising in the morning. Here are some supporting principles to guide you as you develop launching and landing rituals: You both benefit when you put your partner to bed. Although going to sleep together every night would be nice, that isn’t always feasible. One or the other of you may have work to do on a given night. Or, as we discussed, one of you may be a night owl. Nevertheless, you can find the time to put your partner to bed. Make this a habit. And take turns on different nights so both of you have the experience of being put to bed. Variety is the spice of ritual. Create lots of bedtime and morning rituals for yourselves. For example, sometimes you may like to watch a TV program or movie together, as a way to wind down from the day. Of course, this easily can become an isolating activity (islands, I’m talking to you). Don’t let that happen. Be sure to make contact at regular intervals during the program or movie. Talk ab...