Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship

by Stan Tatkin

Here are some supporting principles to guide you in soothing and pleasing your partner: Learn to rapidly repair damage. Being an expert on your partner means you are continually alert to his or her mood and feelings. If your partner is bothered, you know it immediately. It doesn’t matter whether your partner is bothered because of something occurring between the two of you or because of something outside the relationship. In either case, you are enough of an expert that you can speedily make an educated guess about which of his or her three or four bad things has been touched off. There is no reason to let any problems fester. Seeing your partner in distress should be the signal to “stop the presses” before continuing on with anything. For example, if you think you caused your partner pain, you might say, “That didn’t go well, did it?” or “I’m so sorry. Did that just hurt you?” The worst thing you can do is ignore what you see on your partner’s face or hear in your partner’s voice. Let your partner know he or she can count on you to step up and say or do whatever is needed to repair the damage. And the same applies to you. You can rely on your partner to be there for you, to know your vulnerabilities and soothe you when you’re upset. It’s as though when you formed your relationship, you took out a policy that would ensure your comfort, and now because you’ve kept up with your premiums (that is, by being there for your partner), you’re able to relax and cash in whenever som...