Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship

by Stan Tatkin

If one person is having a bad day, the other steps up. And vice versa. You track each other’s moods. In a heated dispute, you pay attention to how much is too much and how long is too long. You know when to quit or when to change the subject or distract one another. Sometimes it’s best to give things a rest so you both have a chance to cool off. However, don’t just leave the room, hang up, or turn away. If you do that, your partner may interpret your actions as dismissive. Rather, make sure the time out is mutually acceptable—say, twenty to thirty minutes to cool off—and not unilateral. Taking responsibility in this way is what I call smart fighting. Smart fighting is of the ambassadors, by the ambassadors, and for the ambassadors. It ensures that they will still be standing at the end. Remember, only ambassadors can be influenced, persuaded, cajoled, or seduced. Primitives aren’t concerned with maintaining relationships; all they care about is not being killed. Therefore, your and your partner’s primitives better not be the only ones left standing at the end of a fight. Couples who fight smart seek an outcome that allows both partners to be winners. They aim for a win-win solution. They say to each other, “We both have to feel good about this,” or “I’ll be happy only if you’re happy, too,” or “We’re in this together.” At the same time, they aren’t afraid to tell each other: “We are okay, but what just happened is not,” or “You’re a dear, but I’m going to get my way on thi...