Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship

by Stan Tatkin

The eighth principle in this book is that partners who want to stay together must learn to fight well. When you and your partner are relating within a strong and secure couple bubble, fights don’t threaten your partnership. You are able to pick up on each other’s distress cues and manage them posthaste. You don’t ignore problems and let them fester. Rather, you quickly error correct, repair, or wave the flag of friendliness. Here are some supporting principles to guide you: Losing is not allowed. Of course, no one wants to lose. I’m sure you and your partner are no exceptions. At times, it may be tempting to assert your will, to try to pick up a few wins for yourself. But honestly, what value will your pro-self interests have if a fight results in your partner being knocked out, on tilt, or otherwise non–compos mentis? Not much. That would be a Pyrrhic victory. So, you have to retrain yourselves. You have to rewire your ways of fighting. Think in terms of defusing conflict that turns ugly, rather than necessarily resolving it entirely. Most importantly, when you fight, both of you have to win…or you will both lose. And that’s not an acceptable outcome. Giving up isn’t allowed, either. Let me be clear: smart fighting is not about abdicating your position or giving up your self-interests. It’s about wrestling with your partner, engaging without hesitation or avoidance, and at the same time being willing to relax your own position. You go back and forth with each other, until...