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Just turn around and walk away. Just fucking leave. And go where? Home? Molloy’s? You have nowhere else to go. You have nothing, asshole. You are nothing. With my head bowed in resignation, I walked inside.
Crying
If I could tell he was strung out back then, so could my parents. Still, Dad never fired him, and Mam never turned him away from the door. Instead, they continued to hold the door open for a boy who had never been given a fighting chance.
“Willy.” I snickered. “Say ‘dick,’ Mam.” “I will not,” she replied, flushed. “It’s a horrible word.” “For a wonderful body part.” “Aoife!”
“Because your baby’s father might be as pigheaded and stubborn as you are when it comes to admitting his feelings, but his heart has never once wandered from you, either.”
“Oh, you mean when my father tried to rape my girlfriend?” I bit out, trembling with anger again. “No, no, I’m grand, Mam. That didn’t fuck with my head one bit.”
“He didn’t rape her.” “He raped you.” Another flinch. “That’s different.” “Because he put a ring on your finger when you were still young enough to play with dolls, and that gives him automatic dominion over your body?”
“Who’s fighting?” “You are, Joey,” she said with a sigh. “Every time I try to reach out to you, every time I try to pay you any sort of attention, you immediately go on the attack.” “Maybe I wouldn’t if the experience wasn’t so fucking foreign to me.”
“I don’t understand how a boy who despises his father as much as you despise yours can follow him right down the garden path to addiction.” “I’m not an alcoholic.” “Worse, you’re a drug addict!” she cried out hoarsely.
“I’m here when I don’t want to be, when I would rather be anywhere else on this planet—and that includes a coffin—but I’m here because you called. Because you need me. Because they need me. Even though being inside this house makes me want to peel my skin off. I’m fucking here. If that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know, then I don’t know what to say. I really don’t.”
“Think about your future.” “I don’t have one of those anymore.” “Yes, you do.” “No.” I shook my head and yanked the door open. “He took her away from me.”
No, what I had needed was to remove the memory of that man’s hands from my hair, and it had cost me eighty euro for the pleasure, but she didn’t need to know the finer details.
“What I said to you when we first met,” she blurted out, stepping in front of me in what I presumed was her pathetic attempt at shielding me from his view. “About how I thought that you needed to stay away from my son? Well, I was wrong.” My brow furrowed. “You were wrong?” “Joey needs you,” she continued to say, blue eyes full of lonesome sincerity as the urgency in her tone grew. “More than he needs me—or anyone else, for that matter. For most of his life, my son has been so hell-bent on escaping his mind, that he’s never given a second thought to destroying himself in the process. But with
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“Loving your son is effortless,” I cut her off by saying, pushing my damp hair out of my eyes. “It’s getting him to love himself that’s the hard part.”
I needed to get her out of that house. I needed to get all of them out. I just… I was so fucking tired.
“God loves a trier,” Casey agreed, eyes dancing with mischief. “But Aoife loves Joey.”
I was, in fact, having a baby. His baby, my mind chorused, as my eyes looked on in horror at the boy bombed out in the cubicle. You’re having his baby. Look at him. Look at what you’ve attached yourself to.
“I can’t go through this with you again.” “Then keep walking,” he mumbled, still swaying unsteadily as he tried to straighten himself up, only to fail miserably and land on the closed toilet. “Because I am what I am.”
“I’m the bullshit, Molloy. I’m the fucking bullshit in this relationship. You bring all the good, and I bring all the bad.”
You’ll be okay.” “So will you, Molloy.” His arms tightened around my body, and even in his altered state of mind, he somehow managed to say the right thing. “Because I’ll look after the both of you.”
“Yeah, I see it. I’m not blind, and I’m far from stupid,” my brother sneered, glowering at me. “Unlike you. The fucking idiot who laid on her back and let a loose cannon like Lynchy get her pregnant.”
Fuck. Kevin.
“You know, I’m not sure I like where this conversation is heading,” I warned. “Because if this is the part where you tell me that you’re attracted to my girlfriend, I’m going to be really fucking pissed, and if you tell me that you’re attracted to me, then I’m going to be really fucking traumatized.”
“Good looks aside, you’re a fucking train wreck to deal with,” he argued. “And I should know. I’ve spent the last fourteen years watching you derail, but I’ve stuck around for the same reason she has. Because she sees the same thing I do: a good fucking person underneath all of the bullshit. But you’re blurring those lines, Joe. You crossed a line today and you need to make it right,” he said, holding a finger up. “I love you like a brother, I always have, but one of these days you’re going to slip so far off the tracks that none of us will be able to reach you.”
“Then it’s lucky for him that he knows how to use his dick, huh?” he teased, lips hovering close to mine as he dragged my body flush against his. “And his fingers.” My breath hitched when his hand slipped beneath the waistband of my knickers. “And his tongue.”
“You get why these girls target you, don’t ya?” “Because they hate me.” “Because they’re threatened by you,” I corrected. “Because goodness shines out of you, and they’re throwing shit to take that shine away. Don’t let them win, Shan.”
This wasn’t a conversation she needed to be having with her older brother. This was an older sister conversation. Or a mother and daughter conversation. Instead, she was stuck with me. Fuck. My. Life. I could feel my buzz deserting me at a rapid rate.
“You hugged.” “Uh-huh.” Desperately trying to keep a straight face, I asked, “Was it a good hug?” She sighed wistfully and clutched her chest. “It was the best hug I’ve ever had.” Now, I did laugh. “Joey!” “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Clearing my throat, I scrubbed my face with my hand and tried again.
“But I wanted it to be more than just a hug because I just… I really like him, Joe. And then, today at lunch, he literally punched Bella’s boyfriend in the face because she was saying those mean things about me. But that scares me because you know how I feel about violence, but I’m not scared of him like that, you know? He’s a good person. I mean he’s a really, really good person. Excellent, in fact. I can tell. And I like him, Joe. I like him so much it’s hard to breathe when he’s near me. But I just… And he won’t… And I don’t… Oh god, help me!” Jesus, I needed another smoke for this.
“What would you do if you were me?” Yeah, I wasn’t going to tell her what I’d do. “Or Aoife? What would she do in this position?” And I definitely wasn’t going to tell her what Molloy would do.
“Just take your time. Be his friend and just let whatever happens come naturally,” I finally settled on, knowing it was lame as fuck, but unwilling to give my baby sister tips on how to seduce a fella.
“Yeah, the first time can hurt for a girl,” I replied, resisting the urge to crawl into the corner of her room and rock myself. “But it shouldn’t hurt after that, and if it does, he’s doing it wrong.”
“What if his, you know, is too big? What if it doesn’t fit in, um, well, you know?” “It fits.” I dropped my head in my hands and groaned. “It always fits.” “But how?” “Magic.” “Joey.”
“Yeah, like touching and tasting and…ugh, you know what?” Slapping my hands on my knees, I stood up and paced the floor. “You should stick to the hugging. Hugging is perfect. Hugging is plenty close enough until you’re twenty.”
“It’s not just about love. It’s about respect.” “And compatibility.” “And friendship.” “And loyalty.” “Exactly.” “Wow,” Shannon murmured. “You’re very sweet under that prickly exterior, aren’t you?”
“Want to make your favorite brother something to eat before he has to go to work?” “Okay.” Sighing heavily, she climbed off her bed and walked right up to me, wrapping her skinny arms around my waist. “But only because you are my favorite brother.”
“Lynchy?” I heard Rambo call out, dragging my attention from my girlfriend’s fantastic rear end.
Resisting the urge to swing the door shut on her ass, I ground my teeth together and followed after the girl who had a firm hold on my heart—and my nuts.
“Got herself a fella.” “One of those preppy rugby-heads?” “Yep.” “Well, shit.” He chuckled. “Do we need to give him a warning?” “Nah, he seems like a decent enough lad.” “Must be if you’re not stringing him up by the bollocks.”
Awww
“Got herself a fella.” “One of those preppy rugby-heads?” “Yep.” “Well, shit.” He chuckled. “Do we need to give him a warning?” “Nah, he seems like a decent enough lad.” “Must be if you’re not stringing him up by the bollocks.”
Awwww
“Once he’s good to her, he won’t have any hassle from me.” “Well, if he isn’t good to her, there’ll be a queue waiting to take his place.” He slapped a hand on my shoulder. “Because I hate to break it to ya, Lynchy, but that sister of yours is a ride.” “Jesus Christ,” I groaned, unable to stop the shudder rolling through me. “Why do you have to ruin my life by saying shit like that?”
“She’s my baby sister, you fucking pervert.” “She’s no baby, lad,” he said with a chuckle. “Shannon Lynch is sweet sixteen and looks like a wet dream.” “I will kill you.” “I’m only saying.” “Well, don’t say it.” I shuddered again. “Don’t even think it. Jesus.” “She has epic blue eyes.” “I have an epic right hook.”
Picking it up, I discreetly popped it in my left ear, and listened as Puddle of Mudd’s “She Hates Me” drifted into my ear. Lovely. What a sweet way to serenade your boyfriend. Fuck. My. Life.
“Your penis, plus her vagina, equals a baby.” Everyone in class went deathly silent. Aside from a few sharp intakes of breath, you could have heard a pin drop. Meanwhile, my heart thundered in my chest as my entire fucking world came crashing down around me.
I watched with my heart in my mouth and a horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as my girlfriend pressed the heel of her hand to her forehead and strangled out the words that would forever turn my world on its axis. “I’m pregnant.”
“Exactly how pregnant are you?” “Joe.” “Tell me.” “About three and a half months.” “Three and a half months!” My eyes widened and the panic I was feeling multiplied by about three and a half months’ worth.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, so, let me get this straight.” Pressing my fingers to my temples, I strived for calm while my entire fucking world shattered around me. “You, Casey, and Trish have been walking around for the past few weeks, knowing that we’re going to have a baby when I didn’t?”
“I’m not shouting at you,” I shouted, throwing my hands up. “I’m having a panic attack.” “Then calm down, Joey.” “I am calm. This is about the calmest a fella can get when he discovers that he’s the last to find out that his girlfriend is having his baby,” I practically roared.
Pregnant. She was pregnant. With a baby. With my baby. Get the fuck up and take care of her. Stop thinking about yourself, you fucking pussy. Don’t even think about pretending that you don’t care. It’s yours and you care. She’s yours and you care. It does matter and you do care.
“What are you talking about?” “Aoife’s pregnant!” Kev roared, jabbing a finger in my direction, and with those words, he blew my world to smithereens. Again. “Off that piece of shit that you’re so hell-bent on seeing the best of.”
Eenie weenie teenie weenie shriveled little short dick man
“I tried to tell you about him,” Kev continued to shout, aiming his pain at our father now. “But you wouldn’t be told. I warned you about what kind of person he was, but you insisted on hiring him—on treating him like the son you always wanted but never got with me!”
She was supposed to go out in the world and leave her neon-colored mark on it. Instead, I had saddled her with a baby.
