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“I’m not stupid, and I’m not Joey. I won’t stop just because Shannon says so.” Light-headed and exhausted from the exertion it was taking to keep my heart beating, I swung my bleary-eyed gaze to where my little brother had a knife against our father’s throat, with the sharp tip pressed precariously close to his jugular.
“It’s not okay, Joe.” With tears streaming down his cheeks, he shook his head. “None of this is okay.” “What are you going to do, boy?” the stupid prick taunted. “Stab me?” “Yes.” The old man moved for the knife, but my baby brother doubled down and stepped closer, still wielding the knife.
“This ends now,” Tadhg growled, holding the knife a lot steadier than any boy of eleven should. “Get off my brother, and get out of this house for good, or I’ll slit your fucking throat.”
“Joseph, may I be frank?” “Be whoever the fuck you want, Doc. I’m not your keeper,” I mumbled, enjoying the feel of Molloy’s fingers in my hair so much, I leaned in closer and rested my chin on her shoulder. “You be Frank and I’ll be Joey.”
“Quite frankly, it’s a miracle he’s sitting here.”
“So, you went there anyway and threw your hat in the ring, Joe?” he mused, this time addressing my boyfriend. “Well, no one could accuse you of being fleeting.”
“Joey,” Marie sobbed. “I’m your mother.” “And she’s the mother of my kid. So, don’t even think about pulling that card,” he sneered. “Because she wins. Every damn time.” “Yeah.” Nodding vigorously, I folded my arms across my chest and gave his mam a ha look.
Furious, I turned my glare on his brother. “And as for you? Well, I don’t really know you that well yet, but I’m feeling like this is a fuck-you kind of moment. So, fuck you.”
“Tell me something,” Darren decided to interject. “If you knew my brother was in such a bad way, why didn’t you do something to protect him?” “Fuck you, Darren,” I spat out. “You don’t know a damn thing about either one of us.” “I know my brother isn’t well,” he countered evenly. “And so do you. So, why the hell would you trap him into fatherhood?” “I didn’t trap him.” I stiffened, feeling my hackles rise and my heart crack in one breath. “I hardly got pregnant on purpose, did I?” “Didn’t you?”
Fuck darren, fuck hij fuck hij fuck hij
“No, I love my brother, Aoife,” he argued hotly. “So, make no mistake about it when I tell you that I’m willing to do whatever it takes to protect him.” “What are you saying?” “I’m saying that if you love my brother as much as you say you do, then you’ll do the right thing for him and make this go away.” “This being your niece or nephew?”
Holy fucking shit, evil incarnate
As the fog in my mind lifted, and I slowly registered my surroundings, I realized that I was bollocks naked in Johnny Kavanagh’s bathroom, with his creepy bastard of a flanker lifting me out of the shower.
Johnny Kavanagh was standing here, in the middle of all of my family’s bullshit, and he wasn’t running. Something about him reminded me of Molloy and I frowned.
I absorbed his words like an addict would crack cocaine because in this moment, whether he meant it or not, Tadhg Lynch was giving me everything I needed. He believed in his brother in the same way I did. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t yet a boy of twelve; the fact of the matter was that he got it. He saw the same person I did and was prepared to fight for him. It gave me hope. It gave me comfort.
“Tadhg, hold up—” “I’ll be seeing ya,”
Wishing I was anywhere but back in this house, I looked on as Shannon and Mam battled it out for the title of Ballylaggin’s loudest screamer. While Darren the dildo tried to wave a white flag between them. Fucking eejit.
If he was expecting a coherent answer from the woman that birthed us, then he was about to be sorely disappointed. She didn’t have it in her. She was incapable of thinking beyond the fourteen-year-old version of herself that had been thrust into motherhood.
The urge to break through the walls of this house and escape was so strong, I could practically taste it. I would never have it, though. I couldn’t physically break the chains that shackled me to this house. To these children. To this woman.
“I’m your mother,” she sobbed, voice slurring. “Why do you hate me so much?” “I’m your son,” I replied, giving her back her words. “Why do you hate me so much?” “Because you’re him,” she slurred, twisting away from me. “Yeah,” I deadpanned, standing up, feeling nothing. “I’m him, and you’re worse.”
We were so far away from each other, even though we were lying side by side, with a baby we’d made together growing in my belly. He had never felt more detached from me.
If Joey didn’t get a handle on things, he was going to end up forcing my hand. The thought of what might happen when that day came caused my heart to shrivel up and die. Because I couldn’t do this without him, but I refused to repeat past mistakes. I refused to subject our baby to the same ordeal their father had been exposed to. I wouldn’t be Marie Lynch. My baby would come first.
“Look at my face, Joe,” she told me, and I did. Fuck, I did. “This is what hurting the person who loves you most in the world looks like.” She sniffled, tears dripping down her face, mirroring mine. “Remember this moment,” she added quietly. “Remember what I looked like the day you broke my heart.”
Every day I walked into class, right before my will buckled and I freewheeled into hell, and I sought her out. Still chasing after the girl from the wall. Still wanting her more than I wanted to live.
“He’s coming for me,” he whispered against my lips, and I felt his tears mix with mine. “He’s coming for a-all of us. We’re going to die in that house, Molloy.” “No, you’re not. Don’t say that, Joe.” “He won’t let her go. He’ll n-never let her go.” “Your mam?” He nodded sadly. “He’ll kill her before he lets her leave h-him.”
“If anything happens to me, I want you to m-move on,” he mumbled, pressing a kiss to the curve of my neck. “I want you to be s-strong for our s-son.” “Joe, nothing’s going to happen to you.” I took a breath, hating every second of this morbid conversation. “And we don’t know if we’re having a boy.” “We are.” He reached a hand between us and cradled the swell of my stomach in his trembling hand. “You’re growing my son.”
“I’m not like the rest of them, you know. I’m not ever going to give up on you.” Sniffling she added, “Remember that, Joe.” “Why tell me that?” I asked, thoroughly fucking rattled by her words. She looked me dead in the eyes when she said, “So you can stop disappointing me.”
I felt very little these days, but every single emotion I did feel was evoked from, directed at, and aimed toward her. I loved her, and no number of drugs could change that. Neither could the depression that was eating me from the inside out. Because it had to be depression, right? Wanting to die wasn’t something an eighteen-year-old fantasized about.
“I love you,” I added, knees bopping restlessly as I chewed on my nails. “More than life.” “Yeah,” she replied, voice thick with emotion. “I love you, too.” How she could say that and mean it was something I’d never understand. How could she continue to love me? I wasn’t worthy.
“Joey!” I called out, pushing through the large crowd that had built up around…yep, around my boyfriend. He was lunging for Johnny Kavanagh. But being held back by Gibsie Gibberson?
Clearly noting Joey’s withdrawal, Gibsie released him and took a few steps backwards, offering me a knowing wink as he went. If he only knew. If Joe only knew how much that boy had helped us.
“Nails?” I spat out, deftly pinning her arms to her sides with my knees—a skill I’d honed to perfection after countless battles with my asshole twin. “You think nails are going to do it?” I reared my fist back and hit her again. “Rule number one, you boundary-absent, morally lacking, conniving bitch: If you put hands on another girl’s fella, make damn sure you know how to throw a punch!”
“Why?” I asked, instantly on edge. My gaze flicked to John. “What’s going on?” “Remember earlier, when I said that we would talk after court?” John answered, tone eerily calm. I nodded stiffly, hackles rising. “Well,” he continued, “my wife and I have been doing a lot of talking lately, and we wanted to speak to you about the possibility of—” “We want to keep you!” his wife blurted out, causing John to drop his head in his hands and groan. “All five of you,” she continued, hurrying over to the island and catching ahold of my hand. “Especially you.” She smiled down at me. “I think I want you
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“They deserve a better life than the one they’ve been dealt.” Swallowing roughly, I forced myself to say, “They deserve to have parents.” “From what I can tell, they’ve always had one,” John said, giving me a meaningful look. “You’ve been one hell of a father, Joey Lynch.”
In a weird way, his abuse was familiar. Unlike my mother, I knew where I stood with my father. It gave me a sick sort of fearful comfort. I knew that didn’t make sense, but it was how I felt—on the rare occasion I slipped up and allowed myself to feel.
His cruelty was home to me. It was all I knew. I could handle his attacks because I knew they were coming. I never knew what was coming with Mam.
“You’re high.” Darren narrowed his eyes. “Again.” Whoop-de-fucking-doo. “And you’re an asshole,” I shot back. “Again.”
“Joey, please,” she sobbed, clinging to me just the same as always. “What about me?” What about her? What about Tadhg? What about Ollie? What about Sean? What about Darren? “What about me?” I broke down and cried. “What about me, Shannon? What about me!”
“No!” Momentarily releasing my wrist, my sister’s friend wrapped both of her arms around my body and pressed her cheek against my back. “I won’t let you do it to Shannon.” “Do what?” “Turn her into me.”
“Do you have any idea how fucking selfish that sounds?” she demanded. “When you mean so much to so many people!” “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” “Your sister and brothers love you,” she screamed at the top of her lungs. “They love you so fucking much it’s palpable. And your girlfriend? Aoife? Holy shit, lad, I have never seen someone look so in love with another human being in my life.”
“I’m trying to do the right thing,” I pleaded. “Please just let me do the right fucking thing for once in my goddamn life!” “You’ve always done the right thing!” she shouted back at me, as the wind howled and the sirens grew louder. “That’s never been your problem, Joey Lynch.”
“You’re a piece of shit for thinking about doing this,” she argued. “But as a whole, you’re a good fucking human, dammit, and I’m not going to stand back and watch another person I know erase themselves from this world because of another asshole’s actions. Because that’s what this is about, right?” she demanded. “Your father?”
I love you, okay? Please don’t ever doubt that. I love you so fucking much I don’t even know how to put it into words. But I just… I need to set you free. Yours always, Joey x PS: On the other side of this letter is a full confession of the shit that went down at home in my words, dated and signed. I want you to give it to John Kavanagh. It will help him in court when he goes for custody of my siblings. Tell them I was sorry. Tell them I loved them. Tell my son that I loved him. Tell yourself that I loved you most. I’ll be seeing ya, Molloy. xx
“We have another one.” “Adult male.” “In the sitting room.” “He appears to have been trying to escape through the window.” “Deceased.”
“Joey, you’re going to come home with us now, okay?” a familiar voice was saying, but I didn’t know where it was coming from. My heart was beating so hard that it was making my eyes blur. Or maybe that was the tears? “We’re going to take care of you, and that’s not me asking you, son. That’s me telling you.” You jumped. Don’t worry, you jumped. None of this is real. It’s not happening.
“I should have been here,” I heard myself say—to who, I wasn’t sure. But I said it. “It’s my job to keep them safe.” “They are safe.” Someone was holding me. There was an arm around my shoulder and a big hand covering mine. “And so are you.” Was it God? Was it the Devil? Where the fuck was I? “No,” I mumbled drowsily as I felt the last strand of my sanity snap. “It was my job to keep her safe.”
In keeping 13 I thought he meant his mom, but my first thought here was Aoife…. Not sure who
“Listen, I’m just trying to keep my brother alive here. If that makes me the bad guy, then so be it. I’ll take that title and all the shit that comes with it on the chin for him. Because he can’t do this, Edel. He can’t take another person sucking the life out of him.” I love you, Joey Lynch. “Have you ever considered that she might be the one pouring life into him?” Ride or die, Joe.
“You should take her to him and watch her work her magic,” Nanny said then, turning to Edel. “Return my grandson’s heart to him, and he’ll start living again.”
“I’m the one saving 6.”
Long after his mother was lowered into the ground and the other Lynch children had dispersed, Joey continued to stand vigil, still trying to protect her, even in death.
