Redeeming 6 (Boys of Tommen, #4)

by Chloe Walsh

“It’s never too lat...

“You’ve been traveling down a very long road, love. Maybe it’s time to rest those feet and let someone else carry the load for you?” She implored me with her eyes to listen. “Let me help you. Let me save you, Joey.” “You can’t.” What part of that didn’t she get? “There’s nothing left to save, Mrs. Kavanagh, so please just stop.”

“That’s what I used to think,” he replied. “I used to think I’d never hurt your mother the way my old man hurt mine. Believe it or not, I’ve loved her my whole life. I can remember how it felt at the beginning. How special she was. How much I adored her. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t repeat my own father’s mistakes.” He choked out a humorless laugh. “And look where I am, boy.” “My mother was a vulnerable teenage girl, and you took advantage,” I choked out, trembling. “You’re a fucking monster!” “Do you think I was born this way, boy?” he demanded, taking another swig from his bottle. “I’m a product of my upbringing. Same as you.”

“I’m not you,” I ground out. “I refuse to be you.” “You can’t stop it, Joey,” he replied, using my name for impact. It worked. It rattled me. “You can’t fight your nature, boy.” He took another slug of whiskey. “Only way you’re changing the ending of your story is if you walk away from that girl and her kid, and we both know you’ll never do it.” He shook his head in defeat before adding, “God knows I couldn’t.”

“Stop fucking saying that, Shannon. Nothing’s okay. Nothing!” I strangled out, feeling myself slip. Feeling the mask that I wore to shield my emotions fall away. “You know, I sat in that cell for hours, thinking how did this happen to me. How did I end up the way I am. All fucked up in the head. But then I called you.” My voice cracked and I forced myself to point at her. “I called you to come help me and you didn’t pick up. And then I knew.” Sniffling, I threw my hands up, feeling helpless and alone. “I said to myself, That’s why. That’s how I turned out like this.” Narrowing my eyes at the woman who gave me life, I spat out, “Because you broke me!”

“You fucked my head up worse than he ever did. He used his fists, but you? You got in my head,” I admitted, on a roll now, as pain and poison spilled from my lips. “You broke my mind.” I slammed the heel of my hand against my temple, desperately trying to emphasize to this woman just how badly she had damaged me. “I don’t work right anymore, and it’s because your voice is stuck in my head! The sound of you crying and begging me to help you is all I can hear!” “Joey—” “Every time I close my eyes, you’re there. In my head. Crying for me. Begging me. Screaming, ‘Save me, Joey, save me!’”

“But I couldn’t ever save you, Mam,” I cried, hating myself for my weakness as tears trickled down my cheeks. Hating myself for still loving her. “I couldn’t save you because you didn’t want me to! You wanted him to be here! You wanted all of this to happen—”

My mother struck me so hard across the face that I momentarily lost my train of thought. “Don’t you dare blame me,” she hissed, poking me in the chest. “I did everything I could for you and your brothers and sister!” “You did everything you could for him,” I retaliated. For them. “You can’t lie to me, remember? I see right through you.”

“What about me?” I broke down and cried. “What about me, Shannon? What about me!” “I love you,” she wept, unwilling to let me go. “I do. I love you so much, Joe. I care about you. You’re important to me. We can figure this out.” Desperation filled her voice. “We can get through this together. You don’t need to do—” “Listen,” I interrupted before she could cut me any deeper with her words. “I need you to take care of yourself, okay? I need you to do that for me.” Trembling, I leaned in close and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Don’t depend on her, or Darren, or anyone else, because in the end, the world will let you down. They will all let you down.” Anyone with the Lynch last name, at least.

“And you?” my baby sister asked, looking up at me like I could somehow fix her world when I couldn’t even fix my own. “Does that include you?” “Especially me,” I forced myself to tell her, though it almost killed me to say it.

Because that boy was my home.

“It won’t fix anything,” she strangled out, burying her face in the back of my hoodie. “You think it’s the answer to all your problems, and maybe it is, to yours.” She sucked in a sharp breath. “But what about the people you leave behind? You think they’ll be able to accept it?” I could feel her shaking her head. “They’ll never accept it, Joey. It will haunt them forever. It haunts me forever.”

“Nobody was there to stop her,” she continued, crying hard and ugly. “Nobody was there to stop my sister, but I’m here now. I’m here to stop my best friend’s brother from following my sister!” “I’m not your sister,” I repeated on a croak, tears flowing freely down my face. “I’m not worth saving.” “Do you have any idea how fucking selfish that sounds?” she demanded. “When you mean so much to so many people!”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” “Your sister and brothers love you,” she screamed at the top of her lungs. “They love you so fucking much it’s palpable. And your girlfriend? Aoife? Holy shit, lad, I have never seen someone look so in love with another human being in my life.” “You don’t get it.” I shook my head, trembling. “I’m not good for her.” “Then get good for her, dammit,” she snapped as the sound of fire engine sirens filled the air. “Don’t throw in the towel and ruin her life before it’s even started. Because that’s what you’ll do. You jump and you’re killing more than just yourself. You’re killing everyone that loves you. You’re sentencing them to a life in prison. Trust me. I should know.” “I’m trying to do the right thing,” I pleaded. “Please just let me do the right fucking thing for once in my goddamn life!” “You’ve always done the right thing!” she shouted back at me, as the wind howled and the sirens grew louder. “That’s never been your problem, Joey Lynch.” “You don’t know me.” “You’re a piece of shit for thinking about doing this,” she argued. “But as a whole, you’re a good fucking human, dammit, and I’m not going to stand back and watch another person I know erase themselves from this world because of another asshole’s actions. Because that’s what this is about, right?” she demanded. “Your father?” “You don’t know a fucking think about my father!” “Fine,” she agreed, still shouting. “I don’t know you. So, change that. Climb down from the raili...

With my heart hammering in my chest, I stared down at her hands that were knotted together and resting on my stomach. “If you don’t let go, we’re both going under.” “Yeah?” She doubled down and tightened her hold on me. “Then I guess we’re both going under. And please bear in mind that, going off rumors and the color of your eyes, you’re clearly high as hell right now, therefore any decisions you make may be heavily influenced by the shit pooling around in your veins and not how you would genuinely feel in your right frame of mind.” “Jesus,” I bit out, frustrated. “You’re so fucking stubborn.” “Says the pot to the kettle,” Lizzie countered. “So, what’s it going to be, Joey Lynch? Are we dying tonight, or are we living?” “You’re living,” I begrudgin...

“They are safe.” Someone was holding me. There was an arm around my shoulder and a big hand covering mine. “And so are you.” Was it God? Was it the Devil? Where the fuck was I? “No,” I mumbled drowsily as I felt the last strand of my sanity snap. “It was my job to keep her safe.”

Whoever was sitting to my left reached over and wrapped their arm around my shoulder, and that’s when I knew I was broken. Because I didn’t flinch. Because it didn’t hurt. Because I didn’t care.

“No, Mam, it’s bullshit,” I cried out, hating myself for sounding so weak in that moment. “It’s not fair. I’ve been here the whole time. I didn’t run away. I didn’t check out on Joey. Six years, Mam. For six years, I’ve stayed, and I’ve helped him. I’ve pulled him out of drug dens. I’ve taken needles out of his arm. I’ve begged and borrowed to pay

his dealers and keep him safe, and now, because I’m pregnant, Darren’s making it out like I’ve caused Joey’s entire downfall.”

“He’s only eighteen,” I shot back, trembling. “And he is my life, Dad. He’s my life and I’m his. We’re a family.” My voice broke, and I sucked in a shuddering breath before squeezing out, “He’s the father of my baby, and Darren’s taking him away from me.”

“I need to see him,” I told her slowly, emphatically, fucking desperately, willing this woman to do the right thing for my boyfriend. “You don’t get it. Darren thinks he knows everything, but he doesn’t have a clue. He doesn’t know a damn thing about his brother, but I do. I know Joey. I can help him. I can get through to him, if you just give me a chance.”

Edel nodded. “I wanted to have you over that night. I thought it would be good for Joey to have you with him, but Darren had just lost his mother, too, and I didn’t have the heart to fight with him. He genuinely believed that he was doing the right thing for his brother. He was so adamant that he knew what was best.” She took a sip of coffee before setting the mug back down and saying, “But I have a feeling that the best thing for Joey is sitting in this kitchen.”

“I see you, Joey Lynch,” I whispered, pressing a kiss to his cracked and peeling lips. “You can’t hide from me.” His hand moved then, settling on the swell of my stomach, and I swear I could have cried in relief. “That’s it,” I coaxed, gently lifting his head onto my lap. “Come back to me, baby.”

“I know you’re hurting, and I know you’re tired, baby,” I whispered, holding him as close to me as I physically could in this moment. “But I promise, if you just hold on a little while longer, it’ll get better.” I kissed him again. “You’re going to make it, Joe. I swear it.”

“That’s my job, remember?” I joked through my tears. “I’m the one saving 6.”

“What if I can’t get better, Aoife?” he choked out, holding onto my body for dear life. “What if this is who I am?” “Then you’ll still be stuck with me,” I told him. “Because I love you, stud. In all your shapes and forms.” “I let them down.” “Who?” “The boys.” He shuddered. “Shannon.” “No, baby, you didn’t let anyone down.” “They hate me.” “Nobody who knows the real you could ever hate you,” I whispered, wiping a tear from his cheek. “If you could only understand how much you mean to those children, how much they adore you, appreciate you. If you could only see yourself through their eyes…” I exhaled shakily. “You are so important to so many people.”

“Yeah, don’t give up on him,” I told her, forcing my lip to stop wobbling as I spun around to face her. “I know he’s difficult and can be a right pain in the hole at times, but you need to not quit on him, Edel. No matter what. If you quit one time, one single time, then that’s it.” Leaning against the sink at my back, I snapped my fingers for emphasis. “He’ll be done. That flicker of hope? That tiny semblance of a bridge he’s offering you and John into his world? He’ll burn it to the ground the minute you let him down, and you’ll never get back in.”

“Read the part at the end,” I instructed when she gasped and clenched her eyes shut. “Read the part where he was trusting his babies with you and John.” “The poor boy.” “Because that’s what Ollie, Shan, Tadhg, and Sean are,” I forced myself to continue. “They’re his babies, and something about you and your husband resonated with him. You don’t realize how momentous that is. He planned on killing himself, and the saddest part about it is that he’s been fighting his whole life. He’s tired. He’s so damn weary, and I know that despite everything he would never contemplate leaving those kids unless he had a plan for them. He did have a plan for them. He finally found a home for his babies with people he feels he can trust. If you knew Joe like I do, then you’d know that he doesn’t trust. He’s been through too much, so the fact that he wrote all of this down and was prepared to go against his mother and brother to get his siblings to safety? Well, that’s one hell of a compliment to you and John.”

“But he’ll push it,” I warned her, wiping a tear from my cheek. “Joey will do everything in his power to prove himself right and prove you wrong.” Shivering, I rested my hands on my swollen belly and sighed. “He’ll take you on like a soldier at war because all he’s used to doing is being in battle with grown-ups. He’s going to question everything you do, from the television shows you let them watch, to the food you feed them. He’ll watch you like a hawk and make you feel like a paranoid wreck. It’s nothing personal. You need to understand that these kids are cubs. He’s a glorified mama bear.

“Giving up power to you will be his biggest sacrifice because you’re a woman, and women have always let him down. He’s not fixable like Tadhg, Ollie, and Sean. You can’t slap a plaster on him and heal the scars they put in him. He’s not forgiving like Shannon or diplomatic like Darren. Joey’s not open to change. He’s a closed book. He’s been traumatized far deeper than you, his siblings, or anyone else could comprehend. But you?” I looked her dead in the eyes. “There’s something about you that calls to him. He’s trusting you with his babies. That’s a breakthrough.” “I am all in with these children,” she vowed, voice thick with emotion. “I am all in with him.” “I hope so,” I replied, tone mirroring hers. “Because he’s going to get better, I can promise you that, and then your family is going to meet the real Joey. And I promise, you guys are going to fall head over heels in love with him.” She smiled softly. “We already are, love, we already are.”

“You should have told me to fuck off,” he whispered, leaning in close. “All those years back when we were in first year.” His lips brushed mine once, twice. “I’ve loved you since then.” Another kiss. “From the first time I laid eyes on you, sitting on the wall with your blond hair blowing around your face.” His tongue snaked out, teasing mine. “I just didn’t know it then.”

“I know I’ve done you wrong, Molloy,” he quickly continued, seeming to stumble over his words as he tried to piece reality back together in the haze of withdrawal and grief. “But you’re the only one,” he continued to tell me, voice low, pained, and urgent. “You were always the only one. My one. In the good times and the bad. I swear to Christ…” He cleared his throat and tipped his head toward the freshly dug grave beside us. “On her grave. I swear it. No matter how fucked up I ever got, I never touched another girl.” He shook his head again, blew out a pained breath, and said, “All of the crazy shit I did? Fucking around with Shane and the lads? The drugs? The fighting? All of it. It was never about me replacing you. It was about me replacing me.”

“I love you, queen. Always have and always will.” He continued to break me down by whispering, “There was only ever you for me. Stone-cold sober or off my trolly, my head knows that.” Taking my hand in his, he pressed it to his chest before adding, “My heart knows that, too.” “Joe.” “I’ve done you wrong in so many ways, I couldn’t even begin to list them, but I would never do ya wrong like that. I have never done you wrong like that, okay? If I’ve given you nothing else these past few years, trust that I’ve given you fidelity. I never broke that promise, Molloy. Fucking never.” “Joe, I just want you to get better,” I pleaded, clutching him with a death grip. “I need you to. So badly.”

“Come back for me, Joe,” I cried out hoarsely, clutching my stomach. “Get better and come back for me… For your family.” Looking shattered, he stared at me for the longest moment before nodding. “I’ll come back for you. For both of you.”

By the age of twelve, she was gone. By the age of twelve, so was I.

Through the storm, through the Category 5 fucking hurricane that was my life, she stayed, never giving up on me even when I’d given up on myself. Nobody ever got me like she did. Nobody ever accepted me like she had.

“No. I’m not.” I glowered at her. “I’m the one who got expelled from school before I could do my leaving cert. I’m the one with fuck-all in the line of qualifications. He didn’t do that to me. I did that to me.” Blowing out a ragged breath, I hissed, “And I’m the one who’s taken the only person who’s ever genuinely loved me down with me. Yeah, Aoife’s pregnant, and not only does she have to deal with that alone, while I’m holed up here like the pathetic fuckup I am, but she also has to do it with the label that comes with having my baby.” “You sound angry with her.” “I’m angry with myself,” I spat out, legs shaking restlessly, hands balled into fists on my thighs. “I’m pissed that I took her down with me…” Words breaking off, I exhaled another shaky breath and glared at her. “I see what you did just there—bringing her up like that.”

“I don’t know if I can break the cycle, but I want to.” Needing to move, I stood up and paced the small confines of the room. “I want to so fucking badly that it keeps me up at night. It’s why I went back that night. Why I let Lizzie talk me off the edge. Why I didn’t throw myself off that bridge. Why I’m here right now.” Frustrated and anxious, I cracked my knuckles and walked to the window. “I know I’m not good enough, but I want to be.”

I nodded. “He was so fucking excited about it that he picked me up and threw me in the air.” I rubbed my jaw and blew out a pained breath at the memory. “Took me to the shop afterward and bought me a pound’s worth of penny jellies.” Frowning, I said, “I remember thinking, ‘If I can keep winning, it’ll keep him happy, and he’ll stop hitting my mother.’” Shrugging, I added, “So, I kept winning.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve been fighting for so long, I don’t know how to take my finger off the trigger,”

“Trauma reveals itself in many shapes and versions.” “Yeah, well, in my head, I’m still fighting a war that I can’t win. Against people who can’t hurt me anymore, but still do. So, I reckon that goes a little deeper than trauma, Doc.”

tried to get them out of there, so many fucking times, but I always caved,” I blurted out. “There was always a part of me that held out hope for her. The same way she held out hope for him. In the end, look where it got the both of us. He killed her, and I stayed for as long as I did to prevent that. The night I walked out, it happened. How can I get over that? How can I ever move on from it? The guilt is drowning me on the daily.”

Blowing out a frustrated breath, I hissed, “It all feels so fucking needless. I could’ve stopped it all from happening. I could have saved her if I’d just stuck in there. But I lost it, my temper, my patience, whatever I had left inside of me, I lost it that night. And because I lost that, I ended up losing everything. Those kids don’t have a mother, and it’s because I walked away.”

“I have a hard time with living,” I admitted. “Being alive is a challenge for me because I don’t work right. I don’t seem to have the right tools for going through the motions. It’s like

I’m stuck on fight mode. I’m constantly watching for danger. Doesn’t matter if it’s there or not, I’m programed to sniff it out. Wasn’t so bad when I self-medicated. The drugs took the edge off everything. Made being alive bearable. Until I couldn’t go an hour without them. Then I wanted to live even less.”

“I can’t trust anyone,” I added. “Not you. Not my thoughts. Not the people around me. No one.” “Your siblings?” “That’s different.” I narrowed my eyes in disgust. “They’re babies.” “Your sister is going to be seventeen on her next birthday. That hardly makes her a baby, Joey.” “She’s still a baby to me,” I argued. “Anyone whose nappies I’ve changed or knees I’ve put plasters on will always be a baby in my eyes. Besides, they’re not included in that statement.” “And Darren?” “You really want to push the boat out today, don’t ya?” She laughed. “Let’s go there, shall we?” “I’d rather not,” I replied flatly. “I wasn’t entirely hating today’s session. Bring him up and I’ve a feeling that’ll change.” “Not entirely hating today’s session.” She grinned. “That’s a compliment if ever I heard one. It only took, what, eleven weeks?”

“I think your relationship with Darren is one of your biggest triggers.” “I don’t do triggers, Doc.” “Because he broke your heart,” she pushed on. “Because he broke your trust.” “On the contrary, he taught me a valuable lesson,” I replied coolly. “Which was?” “Everyone leaves, and nobody fucks you over like your own blood.” “But Darren came back.” “Too little, too late.”

“Maybe before they moved on, someone wanted to make sure his first love had a fighting chance with her first love.”

“Aoife.” There was a pause and then his words came in a flurry. “Christ, Aoife, I’m so sorry, baby. For all of it. For leaving you. For the letter. Jesus, I can’t into put into words how bad I feel for everything I put you through these past few months. When I came here, I wasn’t myself. The truth is, I haven’t been myself in a very long time. I’m not sure if you’ve ever met the real me or if you’ll even like him, but I’m trying. I’m trying so fucking hard to get back to you—” “I already love him,” I blurted out. “All of your shapes and versions, remember?” “You have no idea how much it means to hear you say that.” “What? I love you?” I heard him sniff before saying, “Yeah.” “Well, I love you, Joey Lynch,” I croaked out, wiping my cheeks with my free hand. “And apparently, I can’t stop.” “Thank fuck for that,” he replied. “Because apparently I can’t stop loving you, either, Aoife Molloy.”

“It’s the truth, Dar,” I retorted hoarsely. “I wouldn’t have made it to eighteen without her. Hell, I probably wouldn’t have made it to fifteen without her. You weren’t there. You didn’t see. I was a piece of shit. Sincerely. I was fucking terrible. To myself. To her. My behavior toward her was horrendous. I was the worst possible version of myself. And still, she stuck it out with me. She saw something worth saving in me, and she decided to love me anyway, and I am so fucking thankful that she did.” I shook my head. “You will never understand how much I owe that girl. How much I fucking worship the ground she walks on!”