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But I was still here, still trying, still hanging in there. For her.
Yeah, he was a few crayons short of a full box.
Our eyes met, green on green, and he winked at me from across the room. And just like that, I was ruined.
“You can’t tell me what to do, Joe,” I growled, feeling a combination of drunk and dizzy. “You don’t own me.” “Well, that’s bad fucking luck on my account, because you sure as shit own me!” Drunk or not, his words hit me like a wrecking ball to the chest. Feeling the air whoosh from my lungs, I glared up at him, feeling a torrent of emotions crashing through me. “Why would you say that to me?” “Because it’s the truth.” “Since when?” “Since I was twelve.”
Because every part of me loved every part of her. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I fucking reveled in all of it.
“It’s you,” he repeated gruffly, fingers tightening on my waist. “I pick you. Every single time.”
“I’ll love you the right way this time,” he whispered, and his breath fanned my cheek. “If you’ll show me how.”
“I’m not your mother or your sister. I’m not another girl who needs something from you. I’m the girl who wholeheartedly wants you. I’m the girl who wholeheartedly loves you. The hurler. The mechanic. The boy. The protector. The asshole. The lover. The addict.”
“All of your versions. All of your shapes and colors. I accept them all. So, I don’t care how fucked up in the head you get, or how bad of an idea you decide you are for me. If you can’t be with me, warts and all, then walk away now, because I won’t go through this again with you.”
“This hurts me, Joey.” Another pained groan escaped his lips. “No, no, no, I would never hurt you.” “You hurt yourself and that’s the same thing,” I choked out. “Because when you hurt, I hurt. When you burn, I go down in flames with you. We’re entwined, Joe. We’re mirrors. Don’t you get that by now?”
“Don’t make me a victim, Shan. It’s not the narrative of my story.”
“But every time you snort a line or pop a pill, you’re playing Russian roulette with your life and my heart.”
“It’s like I have this whole other person in my head, a whole other voice, even though I know it’s me. It’s my voice, but it’s a destructive fucking voice that rears its head every time I’m stressed.”
“The worse shit gets in my life, the louder the voice gets, louder and louder and louder, until it’s literally screaming in my head, and I can’t focus on anything other than doing the one thing that I know that will quieten it down.”
“And your head? Where’s your head at, Joe?” “Same place as it’s always been,” I replied. “With you.” “I believe in you.” The words hurt to hear and I flinched. “Molloy.” “I. Believe. In. You,” she repeated slowly. “I’m not expecting perfection from you, Joe. Hell, I don’t want it, because I’m definitely not perfect. So, all I need you to do is be honest, be faithful, and keep trying.”
“And if I’m not worth it?” I dared to ask. “If I’m not worth believing in? If this all goes to shit and I end up letting you down again? What happens then?” “You see, you’re not taking into account my feelings for you,” she said, stroking my cheeks with her thumbs. “And I know being loved is a foreign concept to you, but it doesn’t come with strings or conditions. It’s unconditional, Joe.”
“I’ve loved your daughter for six years,” Joey finally broke his silence by saying. “I can easily love her for another eighteen.”
The woman was broken in the head. Same as me.
That didn’t surprise me. It didn’t do anything to me. I felt completely dead inside
Falling in love had exposed the biggest weakness in me because my heart refused to allow me to walk away from him, no matter how hopeless it seemed. Weakened and demoralized, I watched on daily as he continued to splinter both his world and mine because I knew he was still my Joey underneath the ghost he had become.
I felt very little these days,
then she did the unspeakable; she put her hands on my man. Oh hell to the no.
“When did what happen?” “When did you lose yourself?” “The day I was born.”
“My childhood ended a long time ago.”
“I have a hard time with living,” I admitted. “Being alive is a challenge for me because I don’t work right. I don’t seem to have the right tools for going through the motions. It’s like I’m stuck on fight mode. I’m constantly watching for danger. Doesn’t matter if it’s there or not, I’m programed to sniff it out. Wasn’t so bad when I self-medicated. The drugs took the edge off everything. Made being alive bearable. Until I couldn’t go an hour without them. Then I wanted to live even less.”
“I can’t trust anyone,” I added. “Not you. Not my thoughts. Not the people around me. No one.”
“Everyone leaves, and nobody fucks you over like your own blood.”
My heart just didn’t beat the same way as my siblings’.
“And I already told you that we’re keeping you.” She chuckled. “Finders keepers, Joey love. You’re mine now.” Jesus.
“Jesus,” I breathed, cradling him in my arms as my emotions got the better of me. “You’re here.” And then he opened his eyes and looked at me. And I was done. My heart no longer beat for me. For the rest of my days, it would beat entirely for the child in my arms. Fuck.
There was something inside of me, an invisible cord of sorts, that went from my chest into his. I felt it every time I laid eyes on him.
“Actually, we decided to name our son after the man who raised the both of us,” I confirmed quietly. “Because, let’s face it, the only man I ever had to show me the way was your husband.”
It was her. It always had been. It always would be. The girl from the wall. “I’m going to take care of you,” I told her. “Because I love you.”
“I think you have the loneliest blue eyes I’ve ever seen, and looking at you hurts, but not nearly as much as being near you hurts. Your fractured pieces are sharp and jagged and cut anyone who gets too close.”
I needed that, I suddenly realized. I needed to be needed. I was programmed to take care of the people I loved. Not having that made me feel off-balance.
Joey Lynch and Aoife Molloy: both full of flaws and humanly imperfect and yet so undeniably perfect for each other.
