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“I’ll get us a spin home.” “Molloy?” “Not right now, Joe.” My heart bucked wildly in protest. “Molloy.” “No,” she choked out, before hurrying out of the kitchen with Casey draped around her. “I can’t do this right now, okay?” No, it wasn’t okay. It wasn’t fucking okay at all.
“Are you going to look at me?” “Not right now.” “Why not?” “Because it hurts too much.”
Our eyes met, green on green, and he winked at me from across the room. And just like that, I was ruined.
“Stop trying to protect me and start making me happy,” she countered, eyes locked on mine. “Because it’s time to pick your poison, Joey Lynch.”
“I’ll love you the right way this time,” he whispered, and his breath fanned my cheek. “If you’ll show me how.”
“It was my turn to look after you.” “That’s different.” “How?” “Because you’re my boyfriend.” “So? You’re my girlfriend.” “Girlfriends are supposed to be sexy.”
Addiction was a consequence of being raised by street thugs and dealers, where the only substitute available for a mother’s love came in the form of a line of cocaine or, worse, a needle in the arm.
“You’re really sticking around, aren’t ya?” “Afraid so.” I smiled in the darkness. “For the ring. The white dress. The white picket fence. The whole nine yards.” “Jesus.” He chuckled. “Don’t push it.” “I always push it, Joe.” “Understatement of the century, Molloy.”
“When we get engaged—” “We’re not getting engaged.” “I want a ring the size of my fist.”
“And when we get married—” “We’re not getting married.” “I want a big house in the country, with a huge four-poster bed and one of those giant flat-screen televisions hanging on the wall.”
“And when we have babies—” “We’re not having babies.” “They’ll be blond and green-eyed and just like their dad.” “You’re insane.” “I’m in love.”
“You’re not turning into one of those self-conscious girls, are ya?” “I gained weight, asshole,” she shot back. “I never said I wasn’t beautiful.” “There’s my vain baby.”
“Molloy.” “Joey,” she acknowledged. “Nice moves.” “Nice legs.” “If you ever want to experience them wrapped around your waist again, then you’ll back down.” “That’s blackmail,” I teased, narrowly avoiding a sneaky swipe of her hurley across the shins.
“Well, shit,” I mused, reluctantly smiling at the sight of my baby sister tucked under the arm of the rising star of Irish rugby. “Maybe he has notions.”
I could smell the bullshit a mile off every time she denied her very obvious feelings, and I smiled to myself as I listened to her ramble on about who I thought might be her very first crush.
“You just look sort of shiny.” I swallowed. “Shiny?” “Yeah.” He nodded. “Kind of like you’re glowing.” That would be your baby. “That would be my halo,”
“Let’s go say hi.” “What?” Joey gaped at me like I’d grown three heads. “Why would we say hi?” “Because he could be your future brother-in-law.”
The boy’s attention quickly sparked to life at the sound of Shannon’s name, and I watched the fog dissipate from his steel-blue eyes.
The sincerity in his voice and the vulnerable look in his eyes assured me that not only was my sister’s heart on the line here, but so was his. Poor fucker had gone and caught himself some big old feelings. For my sister, of all people.
“Your face right here is the only face I’ve been seeing since I was twelve. Because no matter how off my head I’ve been over the years, no matter how far from reality I’ve let my mind wander, I have never lost sight of this face.”
“So, what’s the story with you and your buddy’s sister?” “Who?” he asked. “Claire?” I nodded. “She’s my intended,” he came right out and said, without a hint of embarrassment.
Because even though I’d long given up on protecting myself and had spent years failing to protect my siblings, I was starting to come to terms with the possibility that I wasn’t doing the right thing for them. That keeping quiet wasn’t the right thing.
“I want you to love yourself enough to stop destroying yourself.” “How do you ever expect that to happen when the very person who gave birth to me can’t love me?”
“I don’t know how to help.” “No offense, but it’s kind of impossible for you to help him when you’re the source of his pain.” She flinched from my words, but didn’t argue. Because she knew just as well as I did that she had a huge role to play in her son derailing.
I just… I was so fucking tired. I felt hollow. Like I didn’t have anything left inside of me.
“No, no, no, I would never hurt you.” “You hurt yourself and that’s the same thing,” I choked out. “Because when you hurt, I hurt. When you burn, I go down in flames with you. We’re entwined, Joe. We’re mirrors. Don’t you get that by now?”
“Did anything happen?” “We hugged.” I fought back the laugh that was threatening to escape me. “You hugged.” “Uh-huh.”
“Foreplay?” “Yeah, Shan.” “What kind of foreplay?” “Well, not hugging, that’s for fucking sure.”
“I’m never leaving you, Molloy.” “See, I know you believe that,” I replied, my tone thick with emotion. “But every time you snort a line or pop a pill, you’re playing Russian roulette with your life and my heart.”
“I’ve been sold on you since I was twelve years old.”
“You’re going to stick by her?” “I am.” “Are you going to marry her?” “If that’s what she wants.” “What do you want?” “Her.”
I’ll burn this fucking house to the ground with you and your cunts in it before I let ya go!”
“Hey, stud.” “Hey, queen.” His voice was raspy and torn. “Nice legs.” I choked out a sob. “Nice everything.” “Don’t cry for me.”
“You could die, Joe!” “I don’t know if I want to live, Aoife.”
“I’m not giving up on your brother.” Swallowing harshly, I offered him what I hoped was a reassuring smile. “I never will.” “He’s going to make it hard.” “Nothing worth having comes easy.” “And it’s going to get worse before it gets better.” “I’m well aware.”
“I’m your mother,” she sobbed, voice slurring. “Why do you hate me so much?” “I’m your son,” I replied, giving her back her words. “Why do you hate me so much?” “Because you’re him,” she slurred, twisting away from me.
We were so far away from each other, even though we were lying side by side, with a baby we’d made together growing in my belly. He had never felt more detached from me.
My Joey was still inside the person strung out next to me. And I loved him enough to keep fighting for him.
“You just need to remember who you are.” “I tried to warn you,” he slurred. “You didn’t hear me and now we’re both fucked.”
Falling in love had exposed the biggest weakness in me because my heart refused to allow me to walk away from him, no matter how hopeless it seemed. Weakened and demoralized, I watched on daily as he continued to splinter both his world and mine because I knew he was still my Joey underneath the ghost he had become.
“We want to keep you!” his wife blurted out, causing John to drop his head in his hands and groan. “All five of you,” she continued, hurrying over to the island and catching ahold of my hand. “Especially you.” She smiled down at me. “I think I want you the most.”
“They deserve a better life than the one they’ve been dealt.” Swallowing roughly, I forced myself to say, “They deserve to have parents.” “From what I can tell, they’ve always had one,” John said, giving me a meaningful look. “You’ve been one hell of a father, Joey Lynch.”
“When did it happen?” Edel asked once her husband had left the room. “When did what happen?” “When did you lose yourself?” “The day I was born.”
His cruelty was home to me. It was all I knew. I could handle his attacks because I knew they were coming. I never knew what was coming with Mam.
Would I have a son who hated me as much as I hated my old man? Would he resent his mother like I resented mine? Would he fall into the same pattern of addiction that I had? Was I forever destined to repeat the cycle, and then produce more sons to carry on the fucked-up gene?
“You fucked my head up worse than he ever did. He used his fists, but you? You got in my head,” I admitted, on a roll now, as pain and poison spilled from my lips. “You broke my mind.”
What about her? What about Tadhg? What about Ollie? What about Sean? What about Darren? “What about me?” I broke down and cried. “What about me, Shannon? What about me!”
It wasn’t a lie. I was going home. I just needed to find him first. Because that boy was my home.
It’s the best thing for everyone. Especially her. Because she’ll never stop fighting for me while my heart’s still beating. And I’ll never stop dragging her down.
“You think it’s the answer to all your problems, and maybe it is, to yours.” She sucked in a sharp breath. “But what about the people you leave behind? You think they’ll be able to accept it?”
