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my ultimate ambition is to survive.”
“You don’t get to shut me out, Shannon. You don’t get to do that to me again, because I won’t go this time. Do you hear me? I’m here, I’m in, I care, and I’m not going the fuck away.”
I cared about a grand total of two things in my life. Rugby and Shannon.
“Hi, Johnny,” she whispered, tumbling off the door step as she clung to me. “You came back.” “Hi, Shannon.” My crutches fell to the ground as I wrapped my arms around her body, holding her in place. “I promised I would,”
One thing I knew for certain was that I could never untangle myself from this girl. And what’s more, I didn’t want to.
Everything about Shannon’s life had changed so drastically, and in such a short time, that I didn’t want to make a mistake with her. Most of all, I didn’t want her to regret me.
I just wanted time with her. Away from her family and rugby. Away from everything. Just me and her. I wanted to hit pause on my life and just keep her. Strong words for a person my age, but I trusted my instincts and my gut. All of those were encouraging me, assuring me that I was dead on the money because this girl was the girl for me. The one I was supposed to keep.
then you walk in and it recedes.” Tipping her chin up, she looked me dead in the eyes and exhaled a shaky breath. “You show up and all the bad just…goes away for a little while.” I could feel her eyes on me, and it caused a slow burn to ignite inside of me. My skin was hot, my body coiled tight with frustration and excitement. I was so fucked. “That’s how you make me feel,” she whispered, blue eyes burning their way right down to my soul. “Better. Alive. Free. Safe. Important. I feel like I can breathe for the first time in days, and that’s only because you’re here—because I’m with you.” She
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The girl was the definition of fall down seven times and stand up eight. No matter what seemed to be thrown her way, she always dusted herself off, climbed back up on her feet, and tried again.
“There’s something you should know about me, and it’s that I don’t do feelings fleetingly. I’m not a fleeting fucking anything… That’s not how I work. So when I tell you something, or when I do something, I mean it. I’ve thought it through. And I’m telling you that I want you here with me.”
“I don’t just like you. I fucking—” Shaking his head, Johnny rubbed his jaw before looking back at me. “Shannon, I love you.” I stopped breathing. “You love me?” He nodded slowly, blue eyes locked on mine. “Like, a crazy fucking amount.” “Really?” “Really,” he confirmed. “And I’d ask your permission, but I didn’t even ask mine.”
“I love you,” he went right ahead and rocked my world by saying again. “Present tense—as in I mean it now. And maybe I shouldn’t be saying that, maybe I’m fucking everything up by telling you that when you’re in the middle of your family stuff, but it’s the truth.” He shrugged helplessly. “I’m in love with you. I think I’ve been that way for a while now—a long fucking while, if we’re being totally honest.” Exhaling shakily, he added, “And that scares the shit out of me worse than the thought of not making the U20s. You scare me more than anyone I’ve ever come up against on a pitch.”
“It’s like you see me—and I see you. Christ, I think you saw through me that very first day on the pitch at school, because I sure as hell haven’t been the same since, Shannon. You don’t give a shite about rugby. It never fazed you and that threw me because I’m not used to that. I’m not used to having someone want me for…well, for me—but you did. And you took the time to notice me. To see things that no one else was seeing, things I didn’t want to acknowledge to myself.” He ran a hand through his hair and slumped, his broad shoulders bowing. “And I was scared, Shannon. I was so fucking afraid
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“I want you because you drive me fucking crazy. And yeah, I’m not going to lie, I feel sorry for you,” he added gruffly. “I’d be a coldhearted bastard if I didn’t, but that’s got nothing to do with why I want to be with you. I’m sticking around because I need you.”
“You think it’s the other way around, but it’s not,” he told me. “I need you, too, because you calm something inside of me. You make me feel good. Like I don’t have to…” His voice trailed off for a moment as he clearly pondered what he was trying to say. “You make me feel like I’m enough as I am,” he finally admitted. “Like if this is the furthest I go, if I don’t make the squad, then it’s okay.”
“You’re such a good person, Johnny Kavanagh, and you don’t even know it. You don’t see how little rugby has to do with how special you are. But I do. I see it, and I know.”
“You asked me what I wanted? There’s a lot of things, but in a nutshell, I just want you.”
I couldn’t explain it, but I felt braver when I was with him. Or maybe I just felt safer?
“You make me happy,” he whispered. “I want to stick with that. I want to stick with you.”
“I love all your versions.”
it was different with Shannon. Everything was different when it came to her.
“I’m not in your corner, Shannon,” Johnny replied in a gruff tone. “I’m standing right beside you.”
“I’m in love with you, Shannon. I’m completely fucking hooked on you, so when you’re hurt, it affects me. It hurts me. I can’t pretend that it doesn’t.” She shuddered and stepped closer to me. “But that doesn’t mean that I’m with you because I feel sorry for you…” I hooked an arm around her bare back and tugged her all the way until she was flush against me. “It just means that I’m going to get upset when you’re upset, and that when someone hurts you, I’m going to want to cause some serious harm to them in return. I’m all in, Shannon. Scars and all. Fucked-up father and all. One hundred and
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For the first time in my life, I had someone who was just for me. I didn’t have to share him with my brothers or my friends. I didn’t have to compromise or double-check. He was mine. Just mine.
“For keeps?” I breathed. He kissed my shoulder. “For keeps.”
Claire’s eyes filled with tears and she hurried off through the woods in the direction of the camping site, mumbling something about a fly being in her eye. “Oh my fucking god!” Gibsie roared, clearly livid. “If any of you have a problem with being here, then get back in your cars and leave!” Gesturing behind him to where Claire had hurried off, he added, “Think very carefully about your next move, because if you’re coming, then you’re going to be happy. You’re going to smile, and you’re going to have a good bastard time. You’re going to eat the cake, you’re going to sing all the happy fucking
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BKT
YES GIBSIE!
“You’re my little darling,” he slurred. “My whole heart’s inside of ya.”
my little blue river,”
don’t forget that you’ll always be my 13.” She sniffled and wiped my cheek with her fingers. “My binding 13.”
when it comes to you, Shannon Lynch, I’m all in.” “Me too.” “Where you go, I go.” “Promise?” “I promise.”
We were young and free and together.
